Grown Up Stuff

It's occurred to me that I don't really deal with adult issues, or deep issues and even on here I keep things at a distance, trying not to put a barrier down. All I really do on here is rant or just put facts that pretty much anyone could guess. I still think that nobody is reading it and it's just me sat a computer just rambling and having a conversation with her. However by my stats its not, and its clearly not the people I know because 1) I don't know that many people and 2) I don't know anyone in some of the countries this is getting viewed in. 

I started this as just somewhere to vent and stuff but I have a voice on here. I have people willing to hear it and I'm not really using that opportunity very well. I'm not showing the real me. The real things that I worry or care about. 

I am 19. I am a student. I have fought...a lot, I am not confident, I can act, I can pretend I am but every actress eventually takes of her costume. I hate the fact that I can't tell someone 'I like you and you're pretty awesome' no matter how many people go 'You should tell him.' I have lost count of the things I'd change about myself and I like to pretend I am this cold hearted person so that nobody will want to get close and people won't hurt me. I hate that even though I begin to lose myself when I drink, this never really goes away. I won't go out without make up and that is one thing that scares me most, that someone will one day have to see me without it. Nobody knows all of me, nobody knows I am scared. Scared of being hurt, scared of losing the battles I face. Scared I'll never truly be happy, that everything in life will just go by me. I hate rejection, not just from guys but people in general, no in fact life in general. 

I tell other people things I should be telling myself 'Tell him you like him, what have you got to lose?' but even when other people tell me I push them off 'That guy is looking at you' he's not looking at me, he's looking at someone or something else but not me. Never me. If he talks to me I think he's joking, which can help in certain situations. I hate to feel trapped, I like having an escape route at all times. I like to feel in control. I like distractions, I like pretending these things aren't happening. Crowds help except they don't help the anxiety. 

I do have happy days though next to my desk is a photo board (it should be used for a calender and stuff but I've got better priorities). I look at them and I get sentimental. 

I have a photo there of my Nan and the Granddad I never got to meet, he died before any of his grandchildren were born, before any of his children were adults. The last 2 years he lived on half a heart but him and my Nan married when she was 19. He worked at the pit all of his working life and my Nan always tells me how no man can ever compare or what an amazing father, and that to me that's love, seeing someone talk about the way she talks about him, with love and loss in her eyes, making sure he stays alive in everyone else.

I have a lot of photo's of my nephews, who steal my phone to take selfie's or watch Netflix, or my eldest nephew's drawings from school. Photo's of London because that is my happy place, that is where my heart becomes 5 again and I just become free or the zoo to remind me of the job I loved (who doesn't love a job where you get to go to the zoo?).

Next to my bed are quotes from films or books that I can look at as I wake up in the morning, which is a lot prettier than a blank wall. I have days were all I do is put comfy clothes on and just watch films in my duvet with a cup of tea. I love that I get to live independently and unlock the door with the key to my flat. I love to write and have times where all I do is write segments of the book I try and write. I reminisce and that helps because old me was an idiot, well more of an idiot. 

I have rent to pay, food to buy and make, decisions that only implicate me and only I can make. I have doctors appointments and scans and I have to do them for me now, not because my mum makes me. I decided I wanted to step out my comfort zone and in a way I have, I just need to jump over those hurdles.

Life sucks but the guy who's looking your way may not be looking at that chair or the person behind you, he could be looking at you. That girl who compliments you on your outfit, is probably genuine. It's perfectly acceptable to blast Steps or My Chemical Romance, it is definitely acceptable to say 'No I deserve better' or just 'No'. I hate saying no, but as much as I love spending time with people there are some days where all I want is a book and a film. I don't particularly listen to other people very well either, if people have faith in me, its because they're pretending. Unfortunately that is because I let other people write my story for so long they're words just aren't becoming undone. 

I've wasted so much time bottling this version of me when I could of been using it to let people know that its fine, they're not alone. Nobody is and life can be suckish and dark and crumby but that doesn't matter You might come from a working class family but you can still make something of yourself. You might hate yourself but somebody will always love you, you just might not have found how to switch on the light. If I can not post crumby vague stuff and let down some (baby steps) of my walls then I'm sure you can find a little happiness in your life. They're is someone worse than you, I don't mean with poor living conditions but I'm talking morally, you might do things your not proud of but I'm guessing you're not reading this from a jail cell or are a criminal master mind, so you're all good.

So I'm going to delete all the stupid blog posts and for everyone I'm going to (well try) post a better one, not grown up but not pointless. This will be a long process.