Favourites

Since I had some spare time and have a certain song in my head I thought I would answer some 'Favourites' questions, I've already answered a few before (I think), but others are new and quite a few are dependant on my mood so they may have changed. I tried to stick to one favourite per question but I couldn't so here's a list.

1. What is your favourite drink?

Fizzy Drink; I am currently can't get enough of Fanta, like I just want it constantly, but that only started about 1 week or so ago, usually is Raspberry Diet Coke, I tried it on my last visit to London and its been my favourite ever since.

Hot Drink; Tea with honey and milk, Green tea or Hot Chocolate

Still Drink; Juice, Cherry juice, Raspberry + Cranberry juice for some reason I love it, my teeth not so much.

2. What is your favourite song at the moment?

Since I love music from pretty much any genre there's quite a few however I can narrow it down(ish).

McFly Song; Obviously

Musical Song: Slipping through my fingers - Mamma Mia

Acoustic - Sometimes its Hard - Jamie Lawson

Rock(is)- She moves in her own way - The Cooks

Honey I'm Good - Andy Grammer

Basically there isn't one it depends what mood I'm in or what's stuck in my head

3. What is your favourite book?

The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald, I have an extract from my favourite quote tattooed on my ribs. I do love most books I read, I find it easy to fall in love with books and have done since I read Rainbow Fish but The Great Gatsby resonated somewhere within me.

4. What is your favourite colour?

I don't really have one, it is usually dependant on several things, i.e I love my Rose Gold phone but in terms of decorating/home ware I love neutrals such as greys and muted tones and as for make-up, it is dependant on the season. 

5. What is your favourite animal?

Elephant, Lion, Giraffe, Seahorse....although I have elephants scattered everywhere at uni, but I also have a seahorse tattoo. I also love dogs, mainly my dog but dogs in general, guinea pigs, I also have a cockatiel (he's grey and white with one black feather) so as you can guess I love birds (not pigeons they scare me a little when they fly near me). Essentially I should own a zoo or a farm...

6. What is your favourite perfume?

Victoria Secrets Noir Tease, Total Attraction, Endless Love and Aqua Kiss

Marc Jacobs Daisy Dream

Christina Aguilera Signature

7. What is your Favourite Food?

.Pizza Express is the only Margherita Pizza I will eat. I love Chips, Cheese and Gravy, Bacon Cheese Burger, Sour Patch Kids, Cheese Dog, back home I have a sausage roll with tomato sauce and cheese in a roll/cob/bap (whatever you want to call it), stuffing, Yorkshire puddings. I realise my standard is basically long as it has cheese its good for the majority of things.

8. What is your favourite casual clothes shop?

Primark, if that fails New Look. I used to change my style so much I could never justify spending a vast amount on clothes, plus you can't beat Primark's 300 denier black tights. I also go through shoes really quickly so for my casual day-to-day slip on shoes I'll also head to primark. I do like the style or clothes in other but considering I could change my mind by the time it comes to wearing the item again a year later I can't justify spending a vast amount on clothes unless it is a statement item (i.e. a coat or black dress) I can wear it all year or along those lines.

9. What are some of your favourite TV shows?

I've binge watched all 7 series of Skins recently, I also love Friends, Mrs Browns Boys, Call the Midwife, Educating....(Yorkshire is my favourite series so far), Sherlock, Waterloo Road, Jeremy Kyle is a guilty pleasure, Hollyoaks, The Simpsons (I can recite most episodes word for word or tell you what will happen)

10. What is/are your favourite musicals?

Les Misérables, Mamma Mia, Shrek and The Addams Family 

11. What is your favourite film(s)?

Pretty much all Disney films,  Harry Potter series (Prisoner of Azkaban has always been my favourite) and The Addams Family

So they're my current favourites, some of them have never changed and have been my favourite for as long as I can remember, some change daily like my favourite songs. 

UPDATE No2: 20 Things To Do Before I Turn 20

In my last update I said I had either completed or started number 5 which was to see 5 new things, I had started number 12 which was tracing my family tree, I had begun 13 by feeling nostalgic and reliving childhood memories and finally I started to stand up for what I believe in which also allowed me to tick off number 18. That also meant I was also 1/5 of the way through my list. Since that update I have managed to tick of some more things on my list.

The first one I managed to tick off my list was number 2, since going back to university, I have started a new sport and I love it so much, I never associated P.E or sport with relaxing because I just never really found a sport I liked that much in Secondary School. For at least 1 hour of the week I can forget the stress or worries I have and just have fun and relax which is actually bliss.

I have also vaguely ticked number 4 off, I did try a new food (a cannoli, better than I ever imagined and have been wanting to try this since my obsession with the Cake Boss series'), however I can pronounce that and do still want to try food I wouldn't usually eat.

I have also started number 7, I still keep getting mini break outs however I have found make up products that don't seem too heavy and skin care that doesn't seem to be having an adverse impact on my skin so I'm hoping that will improve some more.

The final two I have managed to tick of were relax, get out of my comfort zone and write letters, I still get stressed however I have found some relaxing scents, relaxing tea etc. so it is slowly improving, I also feel like I get the most stressed at night so try and de-stress the most here, I also feel as if coming back to uni, having to walk further to and from uni, finding a sport I enjoy etc. has helped improve things as well by making me have more time in the day to think and plan ahead, waking up earlier etc. In terms of getting out of my comfort zone, I am pretty much a jeans sort of girl and I always love the idea of dresses and skirts but I'm simply not used to them, but since coming to uni I have not only wore my old skirts/dresses what I had but I've also bought some new ones and I'm wearing them on a pretty regular basis. I also have started writing letters so that can also be ticked off.

So in total I have now ticked off 10 of my 20 things, which means I am half way through my list with 4 months and 16 days left. I will ideally update this after Christmas provided I've actually ticked off more things.

UPDATE: 20 Things To Do Before I Turn 20

Okay so now I've moved into my new flat at uni (I may post some photos when I finally get it to the way I want), and I thought it would be a good time to finally update my 20 Things To Do Before I turn 20 since it is now like 7 months away.

The first one I managed to complete was number 5 which was see 5 new things, I managed to tick this off by the 15th of July. I managed to do this in one week since I went to London and finally went sight seeing and avoided shopping for one day.

All of these sites are pretty amazing and there's still so much I want to see in London let alone the UK or the rest of the world, but its a start and I can tick it off my list which I am very happy about. I also really want to go at Christmas to see the lights and go to a market. 

Secondly I have ticked off number 12 and started tracing my family tree, I managed to find out some cool things about my dad's side from stories my mum could tell me, and found more of my mums side (some of which my nan didn't even know about). I learnt that my Nan's family didn't actually originate from our home town and one of my ancestors actually died in the Towers of London as well as however I've forgot when I started this.

The third thing I've done is stand up for what I believe in, whether that has been buying more ethical products such as the Lush products (it also helps that they make my baths pretty and smell really nice). I hate wasting packaging so if its like Lush where I can recycle the packaging or buying loose fruit and vegetables over pre-packaged then I'm more likely to go for that option. I've also voiced my opinion more, which makes me feel happier, I used to be so confident and opinionated and wasn't afraid to share those opinions and I miss that part of 12 year old me, so I'm glad I'm getting back to that even in a small dosage.

I have also been really nostalgic at the moment so I've been listening to music from my childhood, eating some of what used to be my favourite foods, right now I have a thing for grapes and have to have a packet in the fridge at all times. So I guess I've started number 13 Relive some of my childhood.

I will probably do another update around Christmas and will hopefully have ticked off a few more of my 20 Things.

1 Year Lessons

In one month I'll be starting my second year at NTU, and although uni can be hard work, it can also be quite the adventure. I've had a year full of lessons and not just in Accounting and Finance or Information Systems and Quantitative Methods. Uni has been full of surprises and realisations.


The first lesson I learnt was that awkwardness only exists if you let it. Every situation can be fixed with conversation or laughter and as much as you wish it wasn't awkward the other person is probably feeling the same. Everything can be filled with laughter if you just let it.

The South/North divide is real and it is serious. Pick a side. 

Word Counts are one gigantic pain, you will either never have enough words or have far too many and have to go through the difficult task of either filling it in or taking things out. Which will then result in you re-thinking your whole assignment.

Doing nothing can feel like absolute heaven, PJ days watching Netflix or YouTube or just doing something you like such as drawing, alternatively on your day off you could go food shopping or do something productive like cleaning.

Cooking from scratch is usually the cheapest option, also if you're near 2 supermarkets and are like me you will learn which is cheapest for what and try and save even 1p by going to the cheapest. You can also save time, money and effort if you order food together as a flat even if you're not cooking together as a group.

Amazingly, common sense is not required for you to get into university.

Standing up for yourself is good, being rude isn't good and being rude all the time is not acceptable but sometimes you need to stand up for yourself even if that means being blunt.

Everyone can be a good liar or good at sneaking around, whether that is telling your mum you haven't had instant noodles or pasta all week or, trying to sneak into a lecture just before the lecturer arrives.

Its about the experience. Even before I went to uni I never heard someone go 'Yeah I went to uni, the buildings were amazing, oh and the floors were ever so clean' its all about how you make it, either way you will have amazing memories.

Uni isn't everything, it doesn't matter whether you decide to take a year out, leave uni early, or complete your degree it does not matter, what does matter is your happiness, if you've tried all you can and it isn't working then that is fine.

Overall that though, you've just got to remember that uni isn't going to determine the rest of your life and it may be the centre of most of your worries, you choose your destiny. There will always be something at the end of the horizon and remember that new things will come along and one day it will only be a memory and you chose whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.

20 Things To Do Before I turn 20!

Okay so in about 10 months I turn 20, I have just completed my firstly year of my degree and I realised there is so much I want to do while I have the chance. So I decided to create this list and I will stick to it, even if it kills me!

1) Get out of my comfort zone- whether this is wearing something I love but wouldn't usually wear or going somewhere on my own I would usually go to with someone else I want to get out of this zone or at least push it a little.

2) Try a new sport- I am the least sporty person I know, apart from the odd gymnastic lesson or karate for about a year I never really entertained sport I mean I loved dancing around and playing normal kids games but going swimming wasn't my idea of a great Saturday I'd much rather paint or make something. This is why I shall try a new sport and hopefully find one I love!

3) Get my health back on track- this is going to be the time I kick epilepsy's butt and tell my OCD where to go, pack my panic attacks bag and throw my anxiety out the door! I'm fed up of these dictating things when they really shouldn't. Even if it improves a little that will be a success.

4) Try a new food- I want to try something I can't pronounce or something I wouldn't normally eat I am so fussy when it comes to food I usually opt for my 'safe' options but I will try a new food and who knows it may become my new safe option.

5) See five new things- I want to see 5 new things whether this is 5 locations or 5 physical things like a building or statue I want to see them and I want to take in their beauty. 

6) Be happy with myself- Over the past few weeks I've suddenly become more content with myself yet I've also had really bad days where I literally hate everything about myself and I don't like those days at all so I will change that and I will become confident and happy!

7) Be kind to my skin- As a teenager I had really bad acne it was so bad that after a while even medical facial washes would not help or solve it so I kind of gave up and in that gave up on talking as much care as I could with my skin. This year that will stop and I will be kind to my skin after all you only get one.

8) Learn 5 new things- I'm not on about uni I'm on about things like a recipe, skill or hobby like knitting (it won't be knitting I tried several times and gave up)

9) Write- I love writing (hence why I started a blog) and I used to love to write poems and songs and stuff but unfortunately this took a back seat and I miss it so I will write to my hearts content.

10) Finish what I started- I have so many unfinished projects (books, crafts etc) and I really just want to finish them so I aim to finish 5 ideas (either new or old) before I turn 20.

11) Relax- I am a stress head I panic about things that happened years ago, I panic about things happening now and I panic about things that haven't even happened! I need to learn to take a step back, relax and accept help when I need it.

12) Trace my family tree- it's kinda hard when you only have one side of your family to ask but I vaguely know a little about my dad's side and I want to know more and learn more about my ancestors and family ties.

13) Relive some childhood memories- the best memories I have as a child are either one of the many times I was poorly and watched disney movies and had super noodles with sweet corn or just spent some quality time outside or with my family, so I want to do that again.

14) Write letters and put them away (read them at a later stage)- I want to be able to look back in years to come and remember what I was doing how I was feeling what I liked and didn't like, and laugh at how cringeworthy I was/am.

15) Spend quality time with my family- the fact is in a few more years I'll be moving out making a life of my own and this could be hundreds of miles away from them so while I have the chance I want to spend time with them and make quality memories.

16) Be more confident in what I do- I hate sharing my work because I never think it's good enough similar to my ideas. I need to start sharing and realise some pieces of work will be better than others but as long as I try my best that's all that matters.

17) Be happy- If something is making me unhappy then I need to stop whether that is a book or task I'm not on about quitting but if something that is supposed to make you happy isn't, it clearly isn't working and that needs changing.

18) Stand up for what I believe in- I can be quite argumentative but there are times I will shy away from confrontation I need to stop doing this and speak up because if I don't do something I may as well be the person doing wrong or if somebody isn't doing something wrong but I spot something someone needs bringing up on how will they know unless they are told. I will do this in a nice way though.

19) Find something to smile about at least once a day- this explains itself really.

20) Enjoy my last year being a teenager- this is it after this year I will never be a teenager again i will never be 19 I will never have a chance to relive those years so I intend to make it as good as it can be!

So that's it my 20 things to do before I turn 20 I may decide to blog about my progress throughout the next 10 months or just do 1 big blog at the end I'll see where the list takes me.

Too Short Too Soon?

Okay, so again I've been a little bit too busy but this time it was doing things I enjoy, but as I was watching TV this morning a segment came on the show about school girls wearing short skirts and how one school had banned skirts meaning girls must wear trousers. At the moment where I live it is in the mid to high twenties (Celsius) and clearly I would not be wearing Teflon trousers. 

Luckily I bid farewell to my school uniform 3 years ago, but to be honest, apart from the first 1 maybe 2 years of secondary school I didn't really follow the uniform anyway for a lot of different reasons, and I totally understand that me wearing a short skirt for the last year wasn't really 'appropriate'. However the reason the school has banned skirts is because it is  'too distracting for male teachers or pupils when the girls walk up stairs or sit down' I have 2 BIG issues with this statement. Firstly, why are they lookin? are we accepting a 'look but don't touch' policy. If that girl is wearing a uniform she is likely under 16 anyway, which makes it illegal and if she's too young to wear it as people say she's too young to be sexualised. Also why is it acceptable for a male teacher to wear a tight shirt but a female is seen as 'distracting' if she wears a short skirt because its too hot, or that's how she feels comfortable. I get there is children dressing too sexy, too soon but if we have a standard for one gender, there should be equal standards for the other gender. 

I understand rules are rules and in the 'real' world as school refers to it, there are consequences if you don't follow them, but what some teachers/people in general don't seem to understand is that the length of a skirt does not equal the person's IQ. Also people are bound to experiment with there style, its natural. I wore a short skirt, red lipstick and skinny jeans as part of my uniform. I also wore neon accessories for a while. Non of that makes me a bad person. Wearing a short skirt didn't mean I wanted people too look at me, it simply meant I wanted to wear a short skirt. My other issue with this is people are moaning that you can see a girls underwear with a short skirt or a tight skirt not if you wear tights or are careful (but again why look?), however if a gust of wind comes along, you can wear a long skirt and see a girls underwear.

Also, judging a young person is just as bad sometimes, that person may have finally gained some confidence, and you may have just torn them again. You can also blame the parents but when I first started wearing my skirt to school, I changed in the school toilets, so my mum never knew until I came home in the skirt, by which time it was far too late. It is also clear that me wearing jeans or a short skirt didn't impact my education or my ability to learn until it was brought up and I argued with the teacher. However its about discretion, I don't think its appropriate for primary school or even early secondary school children to be dressing provocative, but after a certain age, there isn't much you can do, they'll wear what they want, and by saying 'You must change for a man' its not really improving the situation or society. 

I also don't believe we would have this issue if females were not used as sexual objects. We seem to have this debate every summer, and every summer it sparks up the same response, which is fine put rules into place, but I know for me personally, if you'd have told me what to wear I'd of done the exact opposite, which I did, most of the time. Why can't school girls who are in there last ear of compulsory school wear what they like rather than be told there something they're not just because of what they wear? Or why can't men just grow up and deal with it rather than forcing girls to change what they wear or who they are?

Hello I'm A Feminist...

So after several drafts I've decided to just write this blog because this is a topic that regardless of what I write I will get praise and criticism for. This is probably because for some reason people have the belief that 'Feminism' is simply about burning your bra and fighting for equal rights for women, but quite frankly that just simply isn't it.

Yes, being a feminist I am all about equal rights, yes I do want to be paid equally to a man, but only if I am doing an equally good job or a job of equal responsibility. Yes I do want men to be punished for the crimes they commit but a women should also face the same sentence. If I make a man a sandwich that doesn't mean that I'm conforming to societies 'outdated' expectations as a woman, what it actually means is I'm making him a sandwich. If a man cheats, yes he has done a terrible thing and hurt someone else, but the girl he was having an affair or one night stand with is also equally guilty because she could of said 'No, you're in a relationship, I'm not being that person, go home'. I also hate the fact that as society we have unwritten rules or expectations where the man has to be the breadwinner or ask the girl out on a date. No he doesn't a couple can be perfectly happy if the girl says 'Hey, you want to go on a date?' she can also pay for a date, because quite frankly a healthy relationship isn't 'the woman is always right' or 'he knight should save the princess'.

Not only that but if a man does pay for a date or offer to help a girl out, he isn't suppressing the poor girl, nor is she against 'girl power'. Feminism is and should be all about equality. That means for everyone. That means the little girl in the playground can play football with the boys because she likes it. That means the little boy can also go to dance class because it makes him happy, and when they grow up she can be a builder and he can be a midwife. Gender does not matter, what matters is the person. Whether that is how kind they are? or even at times 'How smart or brave they are?' because to be honest I don't care whether my consultant is male or female I just want them to be good at what they do, similarly if a nurse is a male or a fire fighter is female I am not going to say 'DO NOT TREAT ME YOU ARE A MAN!' or 'DRAG ME BACK INTO THAT BURNING BUILDING I WANT A MAN!' I am going to say 'Thank You!' regardless and be grateful for my life.

My name is Chelsea and I want a world where children can be happy and do things that make them happy regardless of whether they are male or female. I also want them to be held responsible regardless of what gender they are. I want females and males to be equal. That means having same opportunities and responsibility's. So yes, my name is Chelsea and yes I am a Feminist.

Dear Epilepsy | 31

Dear Epilepsy,

Today is the last day of this project/daily blog, whatever you want to call it, but unfortunately its not my last day with you. It is a daily battle, a daily balance between medication, avoiding triggers on top of GP appointments and after a years break consultant appointments. Its like we're on a see-saw, one of us is always higher than the other and yet we never seem to move, we're not in unison and we're not going anywhere, more importantly you're not going any more. The thing about being on a see-saw though is one person has to give up first, and you see Epilepsy, I don't quit, I don't give up I just keep fighting. So although this may be the end of this day/month/chapter it won't be the end of the battle until you leave, because I've told you, I will do anything to get you out of my life and break the stigma others face. I'm not scared of you Epilepsy, you won't make me give up on; fighting you, having fun and living my life. Yes I have you, but I won't ever let you have me.

Dear Epilepsy | 30

Dear Epilepsy,

Today I was told that because of you, I have to go back under a specialist. For 17 years I went through tests year after year, appointment after appointment just to try and manage you. Manage you, that's funny because you still insist on visiting, you still insist on pestering me and visiting although your not welcome. I don't want you in my life, your a never ending nightmare except how I know I'm not waking up, I'm fast asleep and your not leaving, but the thing is Epilepsy, everything must come to an end, even you and one day I will wake up from this nightmare and you'll be out of my life, hopefully.

Dear Epilepsy | 29

Dear Epilepsy,

In the morning I will be at the doctors, talking about the best wash to fight you, the best way to stop you and everything else you bring. You don't ever seem to give in and always attack when I am at my most vulnerable, you don't care where or when you visit. You takeover my brain and for a short while you are in complete control. That's another thing I hate, no matter how many times I think I've won you always seem to be another five steps ahead.

Dear Epilepsy | 28

Dear Epilepsy,

Everyone says they're willing to fight or support, but they aren't, when it comes down to it they don't know what its like to live with you. How not only you drain me but the medication I take in order to give me a fighting chance against you. They may see what I go through but until they've experienced it they will ever fully understand. They won't understand how hard it can be at times, most 18/19 year olds are driving or clubbing, not me though, I have you to thank for that epilepsy. Although I've had a lifetime to get used to that idea, it still doesn't feel right or justified that not only can you take so many memories but you can get in the way of others, and if I had to choose just one, that would be the thing I hate most about you.

Dear Epilepsy | 27

Dear Epilepsy,

After today I have 4 more letters to write to you, 2 more days until our review. For some reason everything seems to be measured in numbers, 'How many seizures do you have in a year?' 'How many seizures do you have in a day/week?' but more importantly I know roughly how many times you have visited me in my life. You, Epilepsy, have stopped me in my tracks and visited me nearly 60,000 times. That is nearly 60,000 memories I won't get back. I hate that you can take away so much of me, but I've began to control you, I have around 52 seizures a year, or around once a week in terms of absence seizures alone, and although some may class that as 'uncontrolled' for me that is a miracle. I've gone from around 40 seizures a day, to having 52 in a year, I've already won half the battle Epilepsy, and I won't back down now, in 2 more days I will have another plan to fight you head on Epilepsy, and each one works more than the last. So be prepared Epilepsy, because I'm coming to get you.

Dear Epilepsy | 26

Dear Epilepsy,

Today is Purple Day, a day where everyone in the world supports and raises awareness for Epilepsy by wearing purple. Today is also 13 months since I was discharged from the Hospital, on the 26th February 2014 I finally knew I had begun to gain control of you. You see Epilepsy, people may wear purple for one day, but I have fight you 365 days a year, never knowing when you're going to strike next, but after all this time I'm ready, ready for you and whatever you bring, you see Epilepsy, although you have a whole day to fight you I've had a lifetime fighting you so no matter where or when I will fight you and one day, I will win.

Dear Epilepsy | 25 Mothers Point of View

Dear Epilepsy,

I never asked for you to take over my daughters life for so many years. As a toddler she was in your grip and at time it was hard was hard to go through it, but as she grew she began to control you and the days you took her made her stronger. Today you still invade her but not as much but she is a fighter and she will never let you win. As for me, her family, friends and all who know her we will be standing right by her side every single day.

Dear Epilepsy | 24

Dear Epilepsy,

Relationships are meant to be give and take, whether that is the relationship between a mother and daughter or a romantic relationship, but not my relationship with you, I give and you take, I get nothing in return. You take my control, my memories, and at times you take my happiness. The other day for the first time, I went to the place you were  at your most present, an overwhelming feeling of reality and a sense of achievement, came flooding. The reality is, although I have done with that particular place and battle, I haven't done with you, but I've also come so far since we first discovered I had you. I have decreased the amount of seizures I have, you see Epilepsy, you may be winning the battle but I will win the war.

Dear Epilepsy | 23

Dear Epilepsy,

80 people are diagnosed with you every NHS working day, you kill around 1,000 people each year, if you were a human being you would be called, sick, psychotic, evil, but because you are almost invisible to people society's attitudes seem nonchalant, as if it doesn't even matter. In England and Wales, you claim more lives than AIDS and Cot Death combined, and yet people still don't seem to take you seriously, until you effect them in some way or another. For those you do affect, we have the daunting task of managing you, and the impact you have on our lives. That could be solved if just more people took you seriously Epilepsy, if more people took notice of you, we might be able to find a cure and beat you once and for all.

Dear Epilepsy | 22

Dear Epilepsy, 

You suck, you suck the life out of me. You drain me every time you come, you drain me from the side effects of the education I have to use to fight you! You never se to tire yourself out and yet you tire me out. You make me feel tired and yet restless. I don't know why you exist, you bring havoc into everyone's lives and yet seem to go unnoticed, no thoughts or consideration made not just to you but by you. You don't care who you visit. You visited me before I could even run or swim or cycle. You have no boundaries you won't cross. You just don't care. Like I said Epilepsy, you suck.

Dear Epilepsy | 21

Dear Epilepsy,

You think you can do whatever you want and I will just sit there and take it, but you're wrong. I'm not just going to sit back and relax, I'm going to kick your butt because I fight like me, I fight like a girl. I have strength and determination and most of all I have will power, and I won't let you get me down and I won't let you win. No matter what I won't give up, I won't stop fighting or trying to beat you, I will continue to try and continue to fight, because you Epilepsy, you can't bring me down. You see when you set your eyes on me, you set your eyes on the wrong girl Epilepsy.

Dear Epilepsy | 20

Dear Epilepsy,

Everyday I can't help but wonder when your next visit will be, or what memory you'll take next. Precious memories are stolen every time you come along, in one months time I will be 19, you've stolen so many memories in those years, memories I will never get back. I hope that you leave, that one day you'll be gone, not just out of my life but out of everyone's for good. Look at yourself Epilepsy, you're hideous, you're vile and nobody wants you, nobody wants what you bring. Everyday we're fighting, the researchers, the consultants, the family, the friends all on top of the person you plague. Pray Epilepsy, because one day our time will come and you will be out of people's lives forever. Society thinks you're not that serious, or that you're simply seizures that involve shaking. You're more than that Epilepsy you're my own personal war, a daily battle I have to face, but I am not alone, because Epilepsy you see I am not alone and together, we will fight you and we will kick your butt. No matter what we won't quit even if that simply means suppressing you. We will fight and we will win.

Dear Epilepsy | 19

Dear Epilepsy,

The pills on my bedside table are a consistent reminder of you, its funny because your always right there, ready to attack at any given moment. You're like a man on guard, first little chance you get and you'll be there, thats all it takes, one slip up from me and your back. All I need is a break Epilepsy, I know you won't go for good, but just a while, just enough time for me to sleep without disturbance, to feel alive and well, not groggy and ill. Your more than a seizure, your the feeling after you come, the medication I have to take, the appointments and reviews that all revolve around you, you see Epilepsy even if you don't come you still have all this attention, please leave me alone, just for a while.

The Girl Code

So as a teenager the words 'Girl Code' and 'Guy Code' seem to float around, but I actually realised that these are just words for being a good person. Here are my reasoning's/the 'Top Rules' of the 'Girl Code';

1. No hating on other women (should be person)- For some reason as a society we think its okay to drag a person down because of a) how they look b) how they feel c) where they come from or d) any other reason we can find. To me, that's not cool, its not clever and it certainly does not make you a nice person. The saying sticks and stones always comes into my head because I have been on the receiving end of that hate, and I can safely say, words do hurt, emotionally and mentally they hurt...a lot. The thing I find most ridiculous of all is how as a society we claim to hate this and yet still continue to do it. Nothing ever gives you a reason to hate on someone else, nothing. EVER. 

2. No hating on other women's (again should be person's) success- This leads nicely on from point number 1, as a society we seem to believe we can judge a persons success and then hate on it. There are 2 or 3 extreme's in this case, at one end of the spectrum we have people like Taylor Swift who get bad mouthed for doing something they enjoy or writing number one albums and singles and turning their pain into something millions of people can not only enjoy but relate to. Rather than celebrating that a girl/woman has gone through pain and not only dealt with that, but made a piece of art out of that or that they have become successful without having an inflated ego and are still down to earth, for some reason we like to bring them down. On the other hand we have what I call the 'simplest's' the people who take pleasure through the simple things. For example some people define success as having a loving family or a family of their own. Yet even though they're happy we like to judge them because they don't live in a big mansion or drive a Ferrari (we also like to judge people who have a big mansion and drive Ferrari's as arrogant or having a mid-life crisis). Either way you won't win.

3. Watch out for each other/Be there for each other- This is one of my favourites 'If your friend gets dumped be there.' That shouldn't have to be written as a rule, ever. Take away the friend part, if you see someone hurt, or in trouble or in a vulnerable state/position, be there. Be that person, not the one that stands back and does nothing, if you're on the playground and you see someone being bullied, stop it, ask them to join you. Even if you are unsure just ask, that one simple question may prevent a lot of hassle, and even if they are okay and don't need your help, at least you will have peace of mind. 

4. Treat others how you would you like to be treated- Ask yourself, 'How would I feel if this happened to me?' if the response is along the lines of 'not very good' you probably shouldn't do it, i.e. If you know a guy/girl has someone at home, don't go with them, if the y can do that to one person, they can do that to another. However, there is an exception to this rule, if the person would be better of being told the truth i.e.. you know their partner is cheating or they've misjudged the situation and are about to embarrass themselves, tell them. Do not shout it to the world, just take them to the side and tell them privately, they may hurt at first, but in the long run this may be inevitable and they will probably thank you eventually. 

5. Be Honest- Again, if this is going to hurt the person and there is no need, sometimes you're better off saying nothing at all i.e. *insert name here* has said *insert insult here* about you. However, if they need to know this information, or if you don't tell them it will cause upset/pain/embarrassment etc. just be honest. If you see their partner cheating, tell them, if you know how much they're hurting inside (and maybe out) tell them because they may be to scared to tell you. I'd also like to point out it works both ways, as human beings we can't read each others thoughts and therefore unless we use our words, nobody will ever know. If you need help, be honest, ask, whether that is because you're struggling at school/college/uni/work, people will be there for you (even if its someone you least expect). Don't let it go so far you wish you'd said something earlier or at all, no matter what side your on.

None of these should be guidelines for how we act towards a specific group, or individual, it should be how we act as a society as a whole to everyone. Whether you are young, old, male, female it does not matter these shouldn't be rules, they should be human nature and for some strange reason we still have to be told to act in a respectful and caring way. Which to be honest kind of sucks, and if we all did these without having thinking twice, maybe the world would be a nicer, happier place to be in.

Dear Epilepsy | 18

Dear Epilepsy,

Today was a good day, why? Because you couldn't stop me, today I smiled, and laughed and was happy, without you. Life is better when your not there. Today I spoke about how if I could live with you and face you everyday of my life, I could do anything, adapt to anything and more importantly be whoever I want to be. You see Epilepsy, you might control my seizures but you nor they control my life, I will beat you Epilepsy, and I do every single day you stay away, after all you should know, I don't give up and I never will.

Dear Epilepsy | 17

Dear Epilepsy,

In my life I have come across more than my fair share of bullies, but none greater than you. If I don't follow your rules you give me a seizure, even if I'm the most careful person in the world and follow your rules, you still find it amusing to give me a seizure. I cannot escape you and even worse I have to live with you inside my brain every day of my life. I cannot just turn you off when I please if I could you would be permanently off. Most bullies have a time limit, and most eventually leave your life, but not you, you insist on staying with me, but the thing is, you can stand up to bullies. I will stand up to you, and the bullies you create through lack of awareness, I will not surrender to you, I will have my life back.

Dear Epilepsy | 16

Dear Epilepsy,

You have been here for over a decade and a half now, in that time you've stolen so many memories from me and created fear within my family far too many times. One of the worst things about you is that you take away control, because of you I can't even control my own brain. You've given me thousands of seizures both in public and in private. You can't define me and more importantly, you can't stop me. No seizure will stop me from getting my degree, or anything else. I will be unstoppable because Epilepsy, I am not afraid.

Dear Epilepsy | 15

Dear Epilepsy,

Today is Mother's Day, whilst most mothers love and care for their children from the day I got diagnosed she had to go above and beyond. She had to explain why her baby was having seizures as well as what you were. Times where harder then, people weren't as understanding and information was scarce. She had to fight any injustice I faced I was her baby and had this label attached to me, I had you. How could you explain that your baby between the ages of 18 and 24 months was having up to 40 seizures a day, during those seizures my mother finally learnt how long 1 minute can be or even 30 seconds. You don't just mess with me you mess with everyone around me epilepsy.

Dear Epilepsy | 14

Dear Epilepsy,

Sometimes I can't help but wonder, what on earth do I have to do to make you leave me along? I've had test after test, medication after medication and gone from consultant to consultant and yet you're still here. No matter what its not just you I get, its the side effects and day by day they're getting worse, but do you know what I'd rather me than someone else I love, I'd rather it be me than my family or friends, I will fight you as long as you leave my family and friends well alone. I won't let you hold me back, this is where being a stubborn, tenacious person comes in handy because I won't give up no matter how many times you win.

Dear Epilepsy | 13

Dear Epilepsy,

Because of you, I have had to take medication everyday of my life since I was 2 years old, not just a little either. That medication, has lead to a lot of side effects, sodium valporate lead to severe nausea, the lamotrigine I now take that affects me internally like having a low folic acid level, constantly. I can't really remember ever having thick hair. Fighting you does that, all of it. Not only do you make me tired but fighting you makes me tired, no matter what I just can't seem to do anything but lose, but I know one thing for sure, I won't let you win, I didn't before, I can't now and I won't let you win in the future. No matter what I will fight, I will win, I will stay strong.

Dear Epilepsy | 12

Dear Epilepsy,

I have tried to find the best in you, I try to look on the bright side, but don't be fooled, I still hate you, with a passion. Not apathy and I can't act in a nonchalance way, or pretend I have a disregard for you. Every time you come, that hate and resentment grows. Most of all though I hate the way you make me feel, whether that is physically after one of your visits, or emotionally every time I think like I've beaten you only for you to return. I hate how much control you have on me, the stigma you plague on people. Why do you do that Epilepsy? 

Dear Epilepsy | 11

Dear Epilepsy,

Every time you come, I get a little bit more tired, a little bit more frustrated but also a little bit more determined. You used to come a lot more often though, you'd visit me day in day out without fail. You weren't welcome, not then and not now, but you're persistent and so am I. I've never let you get the better of me though and I never will. You make me exhausted and drained, but I know I have to fight even more because if I give up in those times, you won't go away, you'll just keep coming back again and again.

Dear Epilepsy | 10

Dear Epilepsy,

It's been a long time since we first heard about you, nearly 17 years to be precise, but you were there before we even heard the word Epilepsy. They said they think you've been there all along. They say you will probably stay as well, some people grow out of you, but I have 2 years left and each time you make an appearance, that chance decreases more and more. In those years you've made a lasting impression, and lasting memories. 

I can remember crying every single time my mum had to get the glue out of my hair after another ECG scan. I can remember feeling scared and vulnerable, because I had wires coming out of my head. 

I can remember Christmas being difficult, no flashing lights they said that is almost impossible at certain times of the year.

I can even remember being the 'slow' child at school because I would have an absence seizure and it would luck like I was confused or day dreaming.

I can remember the shocked look on some of my teachers faces when they found out I had Epilepsy, at the beginning that was because you weren't really heard of, in the end that was because of ignorance, because I knew the staff knew what Epilepsy was but regardless of the fact I had it in for as long as I can remember the teachers at Secondary School, some of them still didn't know after several years. I'd just presumed that it was because of the amount of students they taught, then I came to uni where a tutor can see over 1,000 students and yet still remember I have Epilepsy and still remember who I am.

I remember having a seizure on stage, well being told I had a seizure on stage, since then I've been so scared, scared of performing, scared of speaking in public, scared of making a fool of myself.

Although out of all of that, all of those years it has never hit me as hard as the past 2, realising that even little things like riding a bike, you make difficult, driving, swimming...impossible. The funny thing is, as I've grown older more and more things seem to trigger you, stress...exam time is fun, I can't avoid that one though can I, not when it comes to the future. 

On top of all that though, I've learnt how to fight day in, day out. How to face a problem head on, that brains are just as important as anything else. I've also learnt that taking care of myself is vita, I know plenty of people that are diagnosed with a condition like you, that create a few more obstacles in life ask themselves 'Why me?' but why not me Epilepsy? I am no more special than anyone else, and quite frankly I would rather deal with you myself every single day than have to watch someone I love battle you every single day. So for that, thank you Epilepsy.

Dear Epilepsy | 9

Dear Epilepsy,

Isn't it funny how to some people your just a word, whether that word is petrifying or curiosity, but for those you plague, you're more than a word. You're a way of life, you're routine, you're appointment after appointment, ECG after ECG, monitoring, triggers and the list, it just seems to go on and on. You're past, present and future but you don't just create fear, pain or curiosity you create miracles. You let every single person who has had a seizure during the night be thankful for one full nights sleep, or expectant parents understand the miracle of life after you've gotten in the way for so long. Not only that but every single day a person who has Epilepsy goes by without a seizure, you let them know the miracle of freedom and life without limits. 

Dear Epilepsy | 8

Dear Epilepsy,

As much as I would do anything to get rid of you, I also can't imagine life without you, you have been there for as long as I can remember. You make regular visits even if they're unwanted, but on top of all of that you have made me a better person. I know people will stare, they always have done, but I can still walk down a street and smile regardless. I shouldn't live in fear just because I have you Epilepsy. You are not my life, you may be apart of it but you don't control or consume it, and you never will.

Dear Epilepsy | Day 7

Dear Epilepsy,

I have dealt with you for as long as I can remember. You have taken memories away from me and created ones my family would rather forget, but what you also don't know is I refuse to let you dictate my life. More importantly, you don't know that things you helped me learn like, control, strength and hope, is what I will use to fight you every sing day, without fail. You may control seconds at a time, or when you come but I refuse to waste my life feeling sorry for myself. Thanks to you I know that people will have an opinion on me, I know that life will be difficult but more importantly I know its precious, and at any moment, part of that could be taken away. So thank you, you might be a pain but I know I can walk down the street with a smile on my face because life is too precious to let you make me miserable.

Dear Epilepsy | 6

Dear Epilepsy,

I guess its funny right, me writing to you, because after all you're there alongside my thoughts but the thing is, although I know plenty about you, you know very little about me. I bet you didn't know I love being busy, or that I can't wait for the future and what it will hopefully bring. I also don't think you know just how strong or determined I can be. You should, but clearly you underestimate me. So Epilepsy, watch your back, because I intend to fight you, with extreme strength, hope, determination and more importantly with a smile on my face.

Dear Epilepsy | 5

Dear Epilepsy,

How can you have a hold on me within a second, and yet in that time I lose control of everything? You have had so much control on my life and unfortunately will continue to do so. Whether that is a little thing such as taking medication as a part of my daily routine, or controlling the amount/quality of sleep I have at night. I have to avoid so much all thanks to you. But that's not just it is it, you're free to come and go as you please, and insist on coming at some of the most inconvenient of times, but that's okay, because I can fight you, I have battled for so long now, what's one more day.

Dear Epilepsy | 4

Dear Epilepsy,

Did you know that out of everyone diagnosed with you, only 5% have the trigger of flashing lights, thanks for that little quirk. I guess you could consider me lucky, after all most people have heard of that trigger right? Yet it still seems to get in the way whether it be at a fun fair or at an appointment with the optician. Not to mention all of your other triggers, all of the other things you bring with you. Hardly anyone knows about them, hardly anyone knows about you.

Dear Epilepsy | 3

Dear Epilepsy,

Why can you not get the picture? Why don't you understand just how difficult you are? You're invisible and yet you insist on being seen. You insist on being heard every time I have to say 'I have Epilepsy'. Yet although you insist on being heard you are still unknown, the amount of looks I've gotten as enough to say 'Well what's that?' or the 'I'm so sorry' look its like you've been unleashed and the world can see, but it won't last, you've had you're 5 minutes of fame, time and time again.

Dear Epilepsy | 2

Dear Epilepsy,

Most people have visits from friends, but not everyone gets visits from you. I've learned though, I know when to expect you now, and I can tell when you've been. For some reason you don't seem to understand you're not welcome, no matter what I try to do to stop you from visiting me again, you just won't take the hint. You seem to come when my mind is full with no space to spare, a reminder that you'll always have a piece of me. A reminder that you can come as you please and there's nothing I can really do to stop you.

Dear Epilepsy | 1

Dear Epilepsy,

Just as I begin my journey I begin to see exactly how you effect me, you see I'm only 18 for a moment and you won't take that moment away from me. After nearly 17 years of being with you I guess I've learned that you can't stop me! I have endless strength and determination and even though I have you, I won't let you have me.

University...Yes or No?

So I have 11 academic weeks left until I finish my first year of uni, which is scary...but even now I still contemplate whether I've made the right choice. Deep down I know I have and I know uni will get me to the place I want to be, but I still can't help but wonder what if...What if I'd stuck to performing?, What if I decided to continue with photography? What if I had finished writing that book? How different would my life be if I'd gone into criminology or cosmetology? What if I decided to follow 12 year old me's dreams of being a tattoo artist? (What can I say, I have a lot of interests...) Fair enough I would still be at uni if I'd have done criminology, and probably still at Trent. 

The thing is unless I chase those dreams I'll never know, I will never know how successful my book would have been, or if I'd have made it performing. Trent is my dream university, it was from the very beginning, and although I do wonder what life in London would have been like, I'm thankful where I am, and if I'm honest I am the type of person that will never be happy. I will be happy yes, but I will always be thinking about the next thing, the next step, the next project, and although it can be extremely stressful at times, I can't help but lead a hectic life. 

So, yes uni was right for me, but that doesn't mean it is right for everyone else. To be honest if I had decided that I wanted to continue with photography and chose it as a career, I'd have quit my A-Levels and gone straight into work. A-Levels give you the knowledge but going out and working from bottom to top will give you all that and so much more. Going straight in at the deep end will give you experience that will allow you to grow a lot more than completing an A-Level.

Alternatively if I'd listened to 12/13 year old me and decided that tattooing was the right career choice for me then yes I would have had to learn certain things such as sterilization (My OCD would LOVE this...seriously) etc, but certain things would come with experience such as how to deal with a difficult customer, and which bits would look better done freehand. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying university is wrong, I'm just saying it isn't right for everyone, and some people discover that fairly on, others may discover it after they finish. University was the right choice for me, maybe in the future my opinion will change, but I have got so much more than academic knowledge from uni, but at the end of the day if I'm honest I could be the most successful woman in history but that won't matter to me if I'm not happy within myself. 

Even if your chosen career path isn't the most well paid, it doesn't matter as long as you're happy, the best advice I got given was 'If money wasn't an object, and you'd be financially comfortable for the rest of your life, what would you do?' Since being at uni, my career choice's have changed, well everyday, but I know that if you asked me if I'd take my old job back without pay, I would, because I loved it with all my heart, at the end money didn't matter one bit, and that's what keeps me going. Whether that changes after my year in industry we'll just have to wait and see. 

Right now, in all honesty, I would give uni up tomorrow if I my 5 top goals came true, without a shadow of a doubt, but unfortunately for one of those I need my degree. Life is pointless if you're miserable, doing what makes you happy is so important. So I guess what I'm trying to say is follow your dreams, but take your brain first and don't let anyone try and pressure you, it is your life not your; teachers, familys or friends, you have to live with your decisions so whatever makes you happy (unless it is illegal or harms others...)!