What A Decade!

Firstly 2019, thank you. At the start of the year I mentioned how took a metaphorical beating last year. 2018 broke me several times. I was desperate for a gentler year this year and whilst its had its downs and boy has it been busy it has definitely been an improvement to last year.

I can't imagine life if I'd have had another year like 2018. 2019 blessed me with new opportunities, new memories and a chance to rebuild myself. I am 100 x better than this time last year and whilst I still don't feel like the old me I can see myself getting better slowly. 2018 made me guarded and people who I have only just met have noticed. 2019 shown me how good life could be though. I got to travel, chase down new dreams and make some incredible memories.

Its important to remember that 2018 was only one year of this decade, overall though this decade has had some of the best and worst moments of my life.

2010 I was trying to figure life out after a patchy 2 years, it was the year I picked and started taking my GCSE's. I thought I had my life set out, I was 14 and oh so in love. I thought he would be my forever, it wasn't the best relationship and as an adult I look back on it and think 'eww' or 'why' but then I remember I was a child and I was naive and I have to forgive myself for that.

2011 I started becoming stronger, I started accepting what I should and began settling for less.

2012 I sat and passed my GCSE's a milestone several people thought I wouldn't reach because I was either to dumb or I was trouble and wouldn't last in the school system that long. I started my A-Levels and set my sight on university. It was also the last time I was in a 'relationship' the break up was so powerful for me. At 16 I opted to leave a relationship that wasn't working, that I couldn't see myself being in in the future and do what felt right for me. Negative wise this was also the year I was attacked and victim blamed, that night and the events after still affect me each day and I don't know if there will ever be a day where they won't but I've come to accept that to the best of my ability. At the beginning of this year I also struggled with my MH and spent my nights drinking whether it was a Monday or a Saturday, I attempted an OD which thankfully was unsuccessful. I did however get my first part time job and I loved it.

2013 was quite uneventful to be honest. The main thing I remember is discovering this magical place called London. I've never known somewhere so new and strange feel like  home and I think its safe to say it will always be one of my favourite places. Other than that nothing really happened but thats probably because during my 1st year of 6th Form I was sitting 4 AS Levels and working 3 jobs so I didn't really have time for anything to happen.

2014 was another successful year, I turned 18, sat and passed my A-Levels and started studying for my degree. I also got to enjoy what I didn't realise would be our last big family holiday.

2015 I lived in a beautiful student flat, honestly that view still gives me the feels. I started socialising more and I could vaguely see my anxiety improving.

2016 I met my best friend. I went to London again but this time at Christmas, I also went on a protest for education rights and cuts before that visit. It was a day to remember to say the least.

2017 within the first 2 months I was in London again, once for a uni trip and again for an interview. I turned down that interview and I was gutted but it just wasn't viable at that time, little did I know I would eventually be thankful for that decision. If I had taken that offer I wouldn't have been able to say goodbye to my nan in the winter and that would have killed me. I also graduated and went back to uni.

2018 I've said before what a dreadful time that was I mainly remember tears of frustration, emotional exhaustion and hurt. However I also got my pup and that pup changed me more than I ever imagined, you see no matter how hard life gets I know that if I left, the pup couldn't understand and would forever be waiting for me to come back. I never knew a pups unconditional love would change me so much.

2019 has given me so much, I got to go to new places, I travelled abroad for the first time in 10 years, I ticked things of my bucket list and I found a new dream to chase. 

The last 10 years have been a rocky journey but onwards and upwards from here so 2020 bring it on.

I Never Asked...

I never asked for my secrets to be passed on like a game of Chinese whispers,

I never asked for people to say words that cut like knifes,

I never asked for death threats,

Yet by 12 I got them all.

I never asked to be pressured into things I didn't want to, 

I never asked to be alone in a corner with him,

I certainly never asked him to kiss me,

And yet he did.

I didn't want or need part time friends,

I shouldn't have had to deal with such toxic relationships so young,

I didn't asked to be judged by the people who I thought would always be there for me,

I never asked for those things, but I got them,

I didn't want people to go out of their way to try and harm me,

I never wanted that to lead to anxiety or depression,

I didn't ask for some of the adults who had a

duty of care to let me down when I needed them,

But for those people I 'deserved' what I got.

I never thought I'd be addicted to a blade,

I never wanted to learn how to hide and heal cuts,

I never wanted to feel so low,

And at the time I couldn't decide whether or not I wanted to stop.

I never wanted wooded areas to remind me of trauma,

I wish the people around us had said something.

Entering wooded areas remind me of how in one second life can change,

I never asked him to touch me,

In fact I told him 'No' I made it clear not to touch me.

But he did. 

I never wanted to be broken,

I never wanted to feel shame and disgust,

I never wanted to be damaged

But I am.

Because I am broken and damaged I have changed,

I am cautious of people, even those who want to be 'friends',

I panic if I can't see an exit,

I've not had a boyfriend since I was 15 because I don't know if he

caused to much damage.

I felt shame because I was made to believe everything I never asked for was my fault,

I was made to feel shame because I gave in to a boy,

all because I was too scared to say 'No'.

I was made to feel weak because I couldn't just quit,

I was made to feel ashamed because I 'misjudged' the situation,

because when I finally was strong enough to say 'No' I was 

just 'playing hard to get and didn't mean it'.

But I did.

So now I'm broken, I'm cut up into tiny pieces,

and that might not have been my decision,

but it's my decision to choose to live and not simply survive.

One Year Later.

25th May 2018. I left University. It was the day before I was supposed to break up for half term. Now there's lots of supposed to's. 

I'm supposed to be finishing my NQT year. I'm supposed to be in secondary. I'm supposed to be done with university, but I'm not and I can't change those things I've just accepted those things for what they are.

Secondary wasn't the path I was supposed to take. Primary seems to be my natural habitat but I have learnt nothing is ever guaranteed. I need to make these next 2 years mine. I need to forget about toxic, negative, oppressive people who are power hungry and feel the need to belittle others. instead I need to focus on me. What I want to do. I know I'm not stupid, I know deep down I can do this even if there is a little self doubt.

In 1 year I've spent time crying constantly not wanting to move, rebuilding my confidence, getting back into class, getting a place at university and preparing for university.

I've rediscovered who I am and who I want to be, I've started growing my roots and I can't wait to grow my branches.

So here's to that nightmare of a year. Here's to power hungry people. A new path and hope.

I'm getting the career, I'll take care of that. Destiny just needs to do its job. 

Feeling 22

22 you have been a rocky, dramatic year. I feel like I've almost lived out my whole twenties in one year. Most of it has been rough in every sense of the word so as I'm about to turn 23 I thought it would be a good idea to reflect on the positive things that have happened. 

Career wise I took some much needed time out (sort of) to re-evaluate what path I would follow and I realised that sometimes there's a block in the road because thats not the path you need to take. I love what I do and I want to progress and continue that career. I am so lucky that I've found my forever career so young even if it has been a bit of a bumpy road.

In terms of finances, money hasn't been great at 22, but I finally managed to start saving for a house and each bit that I save gets me closer and closer to that goal.

Personally I have changed so much that some days I feel like a completely different person.          I feel stronger, more independent, calmer. I feel so much more freedom and more confident in who I am. Don't get me wrong, I had a massive knock in my confidence this year but I've built myself back up again and I'm rediscovering the person I was before January 2018.

Education is a tough one, after all I left university. So I guess you could say at 22 it was reinforced that having an education doesn't necessarily make you a better person, everyone is intelligent in their own right after all. 

I am definitely still single so in the conventional sense I shouldn't put a big fat tick in the relationship box. However, I guess its partially because I know what I bring to the table and I'm not afraid to eat alone. I don't see why I should and I'm not willing to accept things such as mind games or hypocrisy. So in that sense I'm giving it a big fat tick.

Finally health, I have lost the weight I gained over a stressful period of time, I've started not only going to the gym but also liking it (I think at some point this year I may have had a slight personality transplant). I've started taking steps to improve my mental health as well, I've also improved on being able to tell when its on a downward spiral so health definitely gets a tick.

So I'm counting the blessings of being 22, the end was definitely better than the beginning and I guess the only way is up from here on.

Chasing Dreams.

It feels so long since I've wrote a really hopeful, happy post that if it were to be a colour it would be the brightest of yellows, and I think its safe to say between December 2017 and 2018 I took a metaphorical beating. I dealt with a lot. I felt like quitting as tears streamed down my face for 5 months. By August/September I questioned leaving my hard work and dreams behind and finding new ones, but I'm not a quitter. I don't give up. I just don't think its in my DNA.

Before my first birthday I was diagnosed with epilepsy, my body was resisting medication and having 40 seizures. I should've missed my childhood, but I walked and I talked (and didn't stop talking) and as I grew into an infant I danced and sung my heart out, I went to school and I climbed the climbing frame. 

As I grew into a child I progressed in my education, I proved even more people wrong. I loved to read and despite missing days/weeks/months of school I worked hard to defy the odds. Teenage me made it her mission to prove those who doubted me wrong. I got up no matter how many times they kicked me, when they tried to change me I pushed back, and it wasn't straightforward and it wasn't easy but I did it. I got my GCSE's which some people didn't expect it, I got my A-Levels and I got my degree.

So when you tell me I will never do something, or that you don't think I'm capable and I should probably just give in. When you try and tear me a part like a piece of material, you can be assured that I will do it, no matter what it takes. Even if that means starting again which is exactly what I will be doing.

I will be starting a new university course in August. I will be chasing the dream once more and when I graduate, knowing I've done my best and I have proved them wrong I will be beaming. Not because I care about what they think but because it will just serve as another reminder that anything is possible and people can only drag you down if they're already beneath you.

In August I'm getting a clean slate but I'll do my best to make sure its the best slate yet. So here's to 2019, chasing dreams and never, ever giving up even if it feels like the best option at the time.

Healing Not Healed

In my 22, nearly 23 years of living life has dealt me some rubbish cards. In the last 10 years I have dealt with a lot and whenever you talk to someone, it could be anyone and I could be speaking about anything its 'How are you holding up?' 'I hope you're getting through/over it?', what I've realised in the past few months though is you never really get over it, over anything. They'll always be a reminder.

I'll never get over being bullied because I have anxiety due to that, and when I finally became a happy, confident, bubbly person again after years of trying to become that person, it was taken away again. Something/someone else happened and I became a recluse. I couldn't bare to see people and had to force myself to talk to people I'd known for years or even to go outside and face the day. 

I'll never stop grieving because I have all this love and it has nowhere to go and yes I'm thankful for the memories but when Mercedes was talking to Nana McQueen in Hollyoaks, I couldn't help but think 'What I would give for just one more day, one more conversation.' 

I'll never forget the hurtful, damaging comments my ex's said to me. I know they're not the truth but I will always carry them with me. I know I'm not dumb, I proved that when I got my degree. I don't value their opinion anymore, but they left their mark.

I may be strange but I don't think I'll ever be healed. It's like my heart and soul are a mirror, they've been shattered and although each time I've picked the pieces up and glued them back together the best I could, you can still see the cracks and the dried glue. 

I will never forget all of the tears, the breakdowns, the self harm. I will never forget the lows even when I'm at my highest. Only I will know how sorry I am for pushing people away when they were trying to be there for me, how confusing and painful all that was. But I will also not burden people with that because as a society we expect people to heal within a certain time.

If I said all those things, that I am still haunted just not as frequently, that I still think about pretty much one of those things each and every day I would be told 'But it was years ago.' or asked 'Aren't you over that yet, it was years ago?'. So I'll say 'I'm fine.' or 'Everything's OK.' and I know I will never be 'healed' and thats ok because all of those things are a part of who I am, not one single thing defines me, but if they hadn't happened, if they didn't leave me a little bit hurt or broken then I would not be the 22 year old girl that I am and on those good days I am fierce and I am proud of who I am and the choices I made and who I'm turning out to be. And that, that is all what matters. 

So here's to not being healed, for growing constantly, for wounds being open, for them serving as a reminder that pain exists and it won't always feel as bad as the initial hit. Heres to healing even if we'll never be healed.

2018 Favourites

I started this blog so I could have a place that I could write about things I loved and was passionate about and whilst I do use it for that I still don't discuss certain things like beauty, fashion, music or books. So I thought I would change that and to kick things off I'd write a post about things I've loved in 2018.

Film and TV

Mamma Mia Here We Go Again

Me and my mum went to see this at the cinema and I fell in love with it, the storyline, the costumes the soundtrack it all just fitted so well. Despite the fact some people got irate at plot holes in the story line such as the order Donna met the dad's, I thoroughly enjoyed it and would watch it time and time again.

Black Lightning

I only started watching this because my mum was watching it but I soon became hooked. I don't really enjoy watching things like this but the characters and the storyline was so catching.

13 Reasons Why

13RW is such a bizarre thing for me, like Hannah I suffered with/have depression, fortunately unlike Hannah my attempts were unsuccessful. For me its intriguing to think of what could've happened and it serves as a reminder of what I could've left behind and that no matter what they'll always be an element of devastation.

Casualty

This is something I only got into because I wanted something easy to follow on a Saturday night, I watched it on and off in the past. I started getting into it during the storyline of Alicia's rape. The storyline was written and executed amazingly. It explored taboo/untold topics of rape, how the victim may feel, how the attacker may react, how those around you could react. It has done other storylines incredibly well but this one got me hooked. If you're one for dipping in and out of things I'd definitely suggest casualty.

Food and Drink

Gin

More specifically flavoured gins. I'm not a massive drinker but I love flavoured gins like pink gin, lemon drizzle gin. They taste amazing and they also look pretty.

Cheese

I have consumed waaaayyy too much cheese over Christmas, including plum chutney cheese, gingerbread cheese, white chocolate and caramel cheese and I loved them all. Cheese is just heaven and involved in many of my favourite foods. I love it, I always have even if my skin doesn't.

Slimming World

Towards the end of 2018 I started Slimming World, I didn't join a group I figured it out by myself and had lost around 1 stone before Christmas. I love some of the meals, I love knowing whats going into my food and I love having a reason to buy new clothes. I also have a slight obsession, I've seen people suffer with illnesses and if theres anything I can do to make sure I'm the healthiest I could be then I'll give it a go.

Beauty

Urban Decay All Nighter

This has been my safety net for the whole of 2018. It kept my make up on and I felt refreshed whenever I sprayed my face with it despite it being one of the hottest summers the UK had experienced in years.

Disney Beauty

More specifically Mad Beauty and Primark's collaborations with Disney. I've loved face masks, false lashes, false nails. I even invested in some Disney Spectrum brushes. Disney and beauty are 2 of my favourite things so to have them combined is lovely.

Too Faced Better Than Sex Mascara

If I haven't been wearing mascara I've been wearing this, it was the first high end product I've repurchased and despite wearing it almost every single day it still lasted me longer than almost every other mascara I've tried. From the first use I had a wow moment as it made my lashes pop. Its also fairly easy to remove which is always a bonus.

Hair

Scrunchies

Need a way to quickly accessorise your hair, grab a scrunchie. Need something to tie your outfit together, grab a scrunchie. Want to tie your hair up, you guessed it grab a scrunchie. They're cheap and so versatile and also very nostalgic.

Argan Oil

As someone who bleaches her hair its obviously important to look after it and whilst shopping in the summer I found the perfect solution. Whilst browsing in Superdrug I noticed they had a 3 for 2 offer on hair products and since I was buying 2 things I thought I would try their 10 in 1 multipurpose pray and it makes my hair feel shiny and healthy. After years of using detangling spray on my knotty hairI I have found the perfect one in this spray it also helps that it smells good.

Fashion

Gym Leggings

Sssh, its a secret I have an obsession with these even if I don't go to the gym. They're comfortable and the perfect choice for a day of getting stuff done.

Borg Denim Jacket

This jacket is possibly one of the best purchases made in 2018. Its so versatile and warm, easy to put on as well as going perfectly with a pair of black jeans or skirt. 

Jumper Dresses

The perfect comfortable yet stylish outfit. I love switching them up and wearing them with tights and knee or thigh high boots as well as leggings and ankle boots for something a little bit more casual.

So there it is, a few of my favourite things from 2018. Hopefully 2019 will be full of more wonderful things.