I Never Asked...

I never asked for my secrets to be passed on like a game of Chinese whispers,

I never asked for people to say words that cut like knifes,

I never asked for death threats,

Yet by 12 I got them all.

I never asked to be pressured into things I didn't want to, 

I never asked to be alone in a corner with him,

I certainly never asked him to kiss me,

And yet he did.

I didn't want or need part time friends,

I shouldn't have had to deal with such toxic relationships so young,

I didn't asked to be judged by the people who I thought would always be there for me,

I never asked for those things, but I got them,

I didn't want people to go out of their way to try and harm me,

I never wanted that to lead to anxiety or depression,

I didn't ask for some of the adults who had a

duty of care to let me down when I needed them,

But for those people I 'deserved' what I got.

I never thought I'd be addicted to a blade,

I never wanted to learn how to hide and heal cuts,

I never wanted to feel so low,

And at the time I couldn't decide whether or not I wanted to stop.

I never wanted wooded areas to remind me of trauma,

I wish the people around us had said something.

Entering wooded areas remind me of how in one second life can change,

I never asked him to touch me,

In fact I told him 'No' I made it clear not to touch me.

But he did. 

I never wanted to be broken,

I never wanted to feel shame and disgust,

I never wanted to be damaged

But I am.

Because I am broken and damaged I have changed,

I am cautious of people, even those who want to be 'friends',

I panic if I can't see an exit,

I've not had a boyfriend since I was 15 because I don't know if he

caused to much damage.

I felt shame because I was made to believe everything I never asked for was my fault,

I was made to feel shame because I gave in to a boy,

all because I was too scared to say 'No'.

I was made to feel weak because I couldn't just quit,

I was made to feel ashamed because I 'misjudged' the situation,

because when I finally was strong enough to say 'No' I was 

just 'playing hard to get and didn't mean it'.

But I did.

So now I'm broken, I'm cut up into tiny pieces,

and that might not have been my decision,

but it's my decision to choose to live and not simply survive.