One Year Later.

25th May 2018. I left University. It was the day before I was supposed to break up for half term. Now there's lots of supposed to's. 

I'm supposed to be finishing my NQT year. I'm supposed to be in secondary. I'm supposed to be done with university, but I'm not and I can't change those things I've just accepted those things for what they are.

Secondary wasn't the path I was supposed to take. Primary seems to be my natural habitat but I have learnt nothing is ever guaranteed. I need to make these next 2 years mine. I need to forget about toxic, negative, oppressive people who are power hungry and feel the need to belittle others. instead I need to focus on me. What I want to do. I know I'm not stupid, I know deep down I can do this even if there is a little self doubt.

In 1 year I've spent time crying constantly not wanting to move, rebuilding my confidence, getting back into class, getting a place at university and preparing for university.

I've rediscovered who I am and who I want to be, I've started growing my roots and I can't wait to grow my branches.

So here's to that nightmare of a year. Here's to power hungry people. A new path and hope.

I'm getting the career, I'll take care of that. Destiny just needs to do its job. 

Feeling 22

22 you have been a rocky, dramatic year. I feel like I've almost lived out my whole twenties in one year. Most of it has been rough in every sense of the word so as I'm about to turn 23 I thought it would be a good idea to reflect on the positive things that have happened. 

Career wise I took some much needed time out (sort of) to re-evaluate what path I would follow and I realised that sometimes there's a block in the road because thats not the path you need to take. I love what I do and I want to progress and continue that career. I am so lucky that I've found my forever career so young even if it has been a bit of a bumpy road.

In terms of finances, money hasn't been great at 22, but I finally managed to start saving for a house and each bit that I save gets me closer and closer to that goal.

Personally I have changed so much that some days I feel like a completely different person.          I feel stronger, more independent, calmer. I feel so much more freedom and more confident in who I am. Don't get me wrong, I had a massive knock in my confidence this year but I've built myself back up again and I'm rediscovering the person I was before January 2018.

Education is a tough one, after all I left university. So I guess you could say at 22 it was reinforced that having an education doesn't necessarily make you a better person, everyone is intelligent in their own right after all. 

I am definitely still single so in the conventional sense I shouldn't put a big fat tick in the relationship box. However, I guess its partially because I know what I bring to the table and I'm not afraid to eat alone. I don't see why I should and I'm not willing to accept things such as mind games or hypocrisy. So in that sense I'm giving it a big fat tick.

Finally health, I have lost the weight I gained over a stressful period of time, I've started not only going to the gym but also liking it (I think at some point this year I may have had a slight personality transplant). I've started taking steps to improve my mental health as well, I've also improved on being able to tell when its on a downward spiral so health definitely gets a tick.

So I'm counting the blessings of being 22, the end was definitely better than the beginning and I guess the only way is up from here on.

Chasing Dreams.

It feels so long since I've wrote a really hopeful, happy post that if it were to be a colour it would be the brightest of yellows, and I think its safe to say between December 2017 and 2018 I took a metaphorical beating. I dealt with a lot. I felt like quitting as tears streamed down my face for 5 months. By August/September I questioned leaving my hard work and dreams behind and finding new ones, but I'm not a quitter. I don't give up. I just don't think its in my DNA.

Before my first birthday I was diagnosed with epilepsy, my body was resisting medication and having 40 seizures. I should've missed my childhood, but I walked and I talked (and didn't stop talking) and as I grew into an infant I danced and sung my heart out, I went to school and I climbed the climbing frame. 

As I grew into a child I progressed in my education, I proved even more people wrong. I loved to read and despite missing days/weeks/months of school I worked hard to defy the odds. Teenage me made it her mission to prove those who doubted me wrong. I got up no matter how many times they kicked me, when they tried to change me I pushed back, and it wasn't straightforward and it wasn't easy but I did it. I got my GCSE's which some people didn't expect it, I got my A-Levels and I got my degree.

So when you tell me I will never do something, or that you don't think I'm capable and I should probably just give in. When you try and tear me a part like a piece of material, you can be assured that I will do it, no matter what it takes. Even if that means starting again which is exactly what I will be doing.

I will be starting a new university course in August. I will be chasing the dream once more and when I graduate, knowing I've done my best and I have proved them wrong I will be beaming. Not because I care about what they think but because it will just serve as another reminder that anything is possible and people can only drag you down if they're already beneath you.

In August I'm getting a clean slate but I'll do my best to make sure its the best slate yet. So here's to 2019, chasing dreams and never, ever giving up even if it feels like the best option at the time.

Healing Not Healed

In my 22, nearly 23 years of living life has dealt me some rubbish cards. In the last 10 years I have dealt with a lot and whenever you talk to someone, it could be anyone and I could be speaking about anything its 'How are you holding up?' 'I hope you're getting through/over it?', what I've realised in the past few months though is you never really get over it, over anything. They'll always be a reminder.

I'll never get over being bullied because I have anxiety due to that, and when I finally became a happy, confident, bubbly person again after years of trying to become that person, it was taken away again. Something/someone else happened and I became a recluse. I couldn't bare to see people and had to force myself to talk to people I'd known for years or even to go outside and face the day. 

I'll never stop grieving because I have all this love and it has nowhere to go and yes I'm thankful for the memories but when Mercedes was talking to Nana McQueen in Hollyoaks, I couldn't help but think 'What I would give for just one more day, one more conversation.' 

I'll never forget the hurtful, damaging comments my ex's said to me. I know they're not the truth but I will always carry them with me. I know I'm not dumb, I proved that when I got my degree. I don't value their opinion anymore, but they left their mark.

I may be strange but I don't think I'll ever be healed. It's like my heart and soul are a mirror, they've been shattered and although each time I've picked the pieces up and glued them back together the best I could, you can still see the cracks and the dried glue. 

I will never forget all of the tears, the breakdowns, the self harm. I will never forget the lows even when I'm at my highest. Only I will know how sorry I am for pushing people away when they were trying to be there for me, how confusing and painful all that was. But I will also not burden people with that because as a society we expect people to heal within a certain time.

If I said all those things, that I am still haunted just not as frequently, that I still think about pretty much one of those things each and every day I would be told 'But it was years ago.' or asked 'Aren't you over that yet, it was years ago?'. So I'll say 'I'm fine.' or 'Everything's OK.' and I know I will never be 'healed' and thats ok because all of those things are a part of who I am, not one single thing defines me, but if they hadn't happened, if they didn't leave me a little bit hurt or broken then I would not be the 22 year old girl that I am and on those good days I am fierce and I am proud of who I am and the choices I made and who I'm turning out to be. And that, that is all what matters. 

So here's to not being healed, for growing constantly, for wounds being open, for them serving as a reminder that pain exists and it won't always feel as bad as the initial hit. Heres to healing even if we'll never be healed.

2018 Favourites

I started this blog so I could have a place that I could write about things I loved and was passionate about and whilst I do use it for that I still don't discuss certain things like beauty, fashion, music or books. So I thought I would change that and to kick things off I'd write a post about things I've loved in 2018.

Film and TV

Mamma Mia Here We Go Again

Me and my mum went to see this at the cinema and I fell in love with it, the storyline, the costumes the soundtrack it all just fitted so well. Despite the fact some people got irate at plot holes in the story line such as the order Donna met the dad's, I thoroughly enjoyed it and would watch it time and time again.

Black Lightning

I only started watching this because my mum was watching it but I soon became hooked. I don't really enjoy watching things like this but the characters and the storyline was so catching.

13 Reasons Why

13RW is such a bizarre thing for me, like Hannah I suffered with/have depression, fortunately unlike Hannah my attempts were unsuccessful. For me its intriguing to think of what could've happened and it serves as a reminder of what I could've left behind and that no matter what they'll always be an element of devastation.

Casualty

This is something I only got into because I wanted something easy to follow on a Saturday night, I watched it on and off in the past. I started getting into it during the storyline of Alicia's rape. The storyline was written and executed amazingly. It explored taboo/untold topics of rape, how the victim may feel, how the attacker may react, how those around you could react. It has done other storylines incredibly well but this one got me hooked. If you're one for dipping in and out of things I'd definitely suggest casualty.

Food and Drink

Gin

More specifically flavoured gins. I'm not a massive drinker but I love flavoured gins like pink gin, lemon drizzle gin. They taste amazing and they also look pretty.

Cheese

I have consumed waaaayyy too much cheese over Christmas, including plum chutney cheese, gingerbread cheese, white chocolate and caramel cheese and I loved them all. Cheese is just heaven and involved in many of my favourite foods. I love it, I always have even if my skin doesn't.

Slimming World

Towards the end of 2018 I started Slimming World, I didn't join a group I figured it out by myself and had lost around 1 stone before Christmas. I love some of the meals, I love knowing whats going into my food and I love having a reason to buy new clothes. I also have a slight obsession, I've seen people suffer with illnesses and if theres anything I can do to make sure I'm the healthiest I could be then I'll give it a go.

Beauty

Urban Decay All Nighter

This has been my safety net for the whole of 2018. It kept my make up on and I felt refreshed whenever I sprayed my face with it despite it being one of the hottest summers the UK had experienced in years.

Disney Beauty

More specifically Mad Beauty and Primark's collaborations with Disney. I've loved face masks, false lashes, false nails. I even invested in some Disney Spectrum brushes. Disney and beauty are 2 of my favourite things so to have them combined is lovely.

Too Faced Better Than Sex Mascara

If I haven't been wearing mascara I've been wearing this, it was the first high end product I've repurchased and despite wearing it almost every single day it still lasted me longer than almost every other mascara I've tried. From the first use I had a wow moment as it made my lashes pop. Its also fairly easy to remove which is always a bonus.

Hair

Scrunchies

Need a way to quickly accessorise your hair, grab a scrunchie. Need something to tie your outfit together, grab a scrunchie. Want to tie your hair up, you guessed it grab a scrunchie. They're cheap and so versatile and also very nostalgic.

Argan Oil

As someone who bleaches her hair its obviously important to look after it and whilst shopping in the summer I found the perfect solution. Whilst browsing in Superdrug I noticed they had a 3 for 2 offer on hair products and since I was buying 2 things I thought I would try their 10 in 1 multipurpose pray and it makes my hair feel shiny and healthy. After years of using detangling spray on my knotty hairI I have found the perfect one in this spray it also helps that it smells good.

Fashion

Gym Leggings

Sssh, its a secret I have an obsession with these even if I don't go to the gym. They're comfortable and the perfect choice for a day of getting stuff done.

Borg Denim Jacket

This jacket is possibly one of the best purchases made in 2018. Its so versatile and warm, easy to put on as well as going perfectly with a pair of black jeans or skirt. 

Jumper Dresses

The perfect comfortable yet stylish outfit. I love switching them up and wearing them with tights and knee or thigh high boots as well as leggings and ankle boots for something a little bit more casual.

So there it is, a few of my favourite things from 2018. Hopefully 2019 will be full of more wonderful things.

Thank U, Next

After listening to Ariana Grande's 'Thank U, Next' and becoming a little bit obsessed with it I thought I would take inspiration for it and write my own 'Thank U's' to the people/things  that I'll be leaving in 2018.

Dick.

You fooled some people with your lies and cover, but you couldn't fool me. 5 months of hell   and digging the knife in wasn't enough for you. I think you even believed yourself at times but thats ok because you taught me that I can survive pretty much anything. You're not having anymore time or energy from me so 2018 is where you'll stay because I'm getting better not bitter.

Kent.

6 whole months. 6 months you strung me along to literally just stop. I gave you the benefit of the doubt but you liked control, you liked to feel you were better, to try and make me feel worse. You taught me something though and that was your mistake. You taught me that I know how I deserve to be treated, and what I want and you weren't/couldn't give me that. So thank you, thank you for making me realise how far I've come.

Mo.
You didn't do anything majorly wrong, you also tried to be there, but you were thoughtless and careless at a time when I was so fragile and for me that showed everything. It showed me that you weren't there because you wanted to be there for me more you needed me to be there for you.

I'm so grateful you three showed me your true colours and taught me things about myself. I'm so thankful there is a group bigger than these three of people who will/are no longer a part of my life. 

So 2018 thank you, next.

*Names have been changed.

Changes

I used to think my life was so repetitive, especially when I was younger, I had the same classes, same teachers, wore the same type of clothes/colours to school, had the same friends, some even from before nursery. Ate at pretty much the same time everyday, went for a walk at the same time everyday. It was mundane and boring. Even as I got to uni in the beginning I would stick to the same trusted favourites, favourite bars, favourite shops despite having so much more choice than before, but as I sit here now I realise how much can change in such a short while.

I never fully understood how they say your whole world can turn upside down in a moment. I got why people felt that but it had never happened to me. Everything always seemed to happen after having time to prepare. I had members of my family with cancer, it gave us time to prepare for their death. I knew when I hadn't done well on an exam or as well as I wanted and could prepare for that.

However I couldn't prepare for my Nan's death, she was seen by a doctor only 15 minutes before the ambulance was called, a friend had resuscitated her whilst the ambulance was on their way. I'd called from work to see how she was as we were waiting for the doctor. I didn't know I would drop out of uni until the day I sent that email. All within just under 6 months. Within 10 months things I never thought would happen did. I left a dream behind, I for once let go of education, something that brought so much pain but so much joy. I was putting myself and my health first. 

I felt so low, despite somethings being my decision. I was saddened it had come to this, I felt ashamed that I'd given up but relieved I wasn't going through the torture I felt for so long anymore. I wasn't a failure but I was full of 'What if's?' I finally began to smile but my confidence disappeared. In one week I began to fall out of love with my dream career, I began to smile again, feel relief and my health and mental health improved rapidly.

One person, one event can change everything, for better or worse. At the same time, one decision you make can change your life instantly. Leaving a toxic relationship, crossing the road when you see traffic running, going on that spontaneous trip, getting into someones car who's been drinking or starting that new diet.

Its important to be cautious with the decisions we make and try and make the best ones for us, even if its within a split second.