Chasing Dreams.

It feels so long since I've wrote a really hopeful, happy post that if it were to be a colour it would be the brightest of yellows, and I think its safe to say between December 2017 and 2018 I took a metaphorical beating. I dealt with a lot. I felt like quitting as tears streamed down my face for 5 months. By August/September I questioned leaving my hard work and dreams behind and finding new ones, but I'm not a quitter. I don't give up. I just don't think its in my DNA.

Before my first birthday I was diagnosed with epilepsy, my body was resisting medication and having 40 seizures. I should've missed my childhood, but I walked and I talked (and didn't stop talking) and as I grew into an infant I danced and sung my heart out, I went to school and I climbed the climbing frame. 

As I grew into a child I progressed in my education, I proved even more people wrong. I loved to read and despite missing days/weeks/months of school I worked hard to defy the odds. Teenage me made it her mission to prove those who doubted me wrong. I got up no matter how many times they kicked me, when they tried to change me I pushed back, and it wasn't straightforward and it wasn't easy but I did it. I got my GCSE's which some people didn't expect it, I got my A-Levels and I got my degree.

So when you tell me I will never do something, or that you don't think I'm capable and I should probably just give in. When you try and tear me a part like a piece of material, you can be assured that I will do it, no matter what it takes. Even if that means starting again which is exactly what I will be doing.

I will be starting a new university course in August. I will be chasing the dream once more and when I graduate, knowing I've done my best and I have proved them wrong I will be beaming. Not because I care about what they think but because it will just serve as another reminder that anything is possible and people can only drag you down if they're already beneath you.

In August I'm getting a clean slate but I'll do my best to make sure its the best slate yet. So here's to 2019, chasing dreams and never, ever giving up even if it feels like the best option at the time.

I Am...

I found a Tumblr post on twitter, it was signed of as -Fears (via Iairwite) but I can't find the original post. It was from the perspective of a girl/woman at different ages and upon reflection it gave me some inspiration, so I decided to write my own version.

I am 6 years old

I get pushed over by a boy at school

They tell me it's his way of showing he likes me

What they don't say is the age where

society no longer thinks this acceptable

The age society begins to frown upon love being violent

I am 13 years old 

I go to school with a full face of make up

When someone see's me they ask my mother

'You let her go like that'

Whilst their comment may seem judgemental

The next is said out of fear

'She looks a lot older'

I am 14 years old

I've started coming home later

My mum always tells me to let her know when I'll be home 

Its always followed by 'Please let me know if you're late'

If I forget she becomes filled with fear

She see's it on the news all the time

She knows it only takes a moment

I am 15 years old 

I am bombarded with sex,

With comments about my look

Catcalling and wolf whistles that make me feel sick

When I tell a guy 'I don't want to', I'm not interested'

Or even the word 'No' his reply is simple

'I like a girl who plays hard to get

His comment and actions fill me with distrust

I am interrogated about the clothes I wore

What I did to lead him on

I am 16 years old

That means I am no longer 'Jail Bair'

I am legal, I am now a prize that can be won,

A prize that now has no consequences

Now I am 16 grown men wolf whistle, they ogle me

It doesn't matter to them that I am half their age.

It doesn't matter to them how it makes me feel.

I am 17 years old

I am at a house party

My drink gets spiked and I can't stand

My friends think I'm too drunk

They loathe having to take care of me

I'm told I embarrassed myself

I am told I should stop drinking to much

I am 18 years old

Me and my friends like to drink

To go out, to wear make up and nice cloths

But that means we are objects

It makes it acceptable for men to grope us

For them not to stop even when we ask

So we try to move away

A fun night turns into being followed

A time where everyone has to be each others protector

Because the men that grope us, follow us they just won't leave us alone.

I am 21 and now I understand;

Why my mother worried

The endless 'Please let me know your safe'

Why time after time I was told don't leave your friends

Don't leave your drink unattended

And don't take lifts from strangers

I know now why she had sleepless nights even as I grew up

Why she wished I 'would stop growing up'

I understand why my friends were worried about the man talking to me at the bar

Why they would closely watch his actions

I understand why we walk in groups

I now understand that the world is unsafe

I know what my mother has known all along

But she can't remove the people who think its ok

And although she tried to protect me the best she could

This world is still a battlefield

Filled with disrespect and judgement

A world filled with fear and vulnerability

And unless the world changes it will continue

And any children I have will worry about just that bit more

Because I know now just how evil and scary this world can be

If I have a son society will say 'Boys will be boys'

Although I'll try and raise him the best I can

I can't change the fact society will expect him to act the same way

The exact same way those men made me feel

And if anyone makes him feel the way I have,

If he complains about someone making him feel uncomfortable

He will be told to 'Man up'

And if I have a daughter

She will be raised in a hypocritical and condescending world

If she turns down a guy she will be subjected to questioning

Because a girl can't simply say No

She will be branded a liar if she says she's in a relationship

Even if its true.

I understand we live in a world of blaming, judgement, fear and vulnerability. I understand that there is to much hunger for power and to much ignorance for this world to be a safe place. When I say I was born in the wrong decade, I don't wish to rewind, I wish to fast forward to a time of equality and respect.