What A Decade!

Firstly 2019, thank you. At the start of the year I mentioned how took a metaphorical beating last year. 2018 broke me several times. I was desperate for a gentler year this year and whilst its had its downs and boy has it been busy it has definitely been an improvement to last year.

I can't imagine life if I'd have had another year like 2018. 2019 blessed me with new opportunities, new memories and a chance to rebuild myself. I am 100 x better than this time last year and whilst I still don't feel like the old me I can see myself getting better slowly. 2018 made me guarded and people who I have only just met have noticed. 2019 shown me how good life could be though. I got to travel, chase down new dreams and make some incredible memories.

Its important to remember that 2018 was only one year of this decade, overall though this decade has had some of the best and worst moments of my life.

2010 I was trying to figure life out after a patchy 2 years, it was the year I picked and started taking my GCSE's. I thought I had my life set out, I was 14 and oh so in love. I thought he would be my forever, it wasn't the best relationship and as an adult I look back on it and think 'eww' or 'why' but then I remember I was a child and I was naive and I have to forgive myself for that.

2011 I started becoming stronger, I started accepting what I should and began settling for less.

2012 I sat and passed my GCSE's a milestone several people thought I wouldn't reach because I was either to dumb or I was trouble and wouldn't last in the school system that long. I started my A-Levels and set my sight on university. It was also the last time I was in a 'relationship' the break up was so powerful for me. At 16 I opted to leave a relationship that wasn't working, that I couldn't see myself being in in the future and do what felt right for me. Negative wise this was also the year I was attacked and victim blamed, that night and the events after still affect me each day and I don't know if there will ever be a day where they won't but I've come to accept that to the best of my ability. At the beginning of this year I also struggled with my MH and spent my nights drinking whether it was a Monday or a Saturday, I attempted an OD which thankfully was unsuccessful. I did however get my first part time job and I loved it.

2013 was quite uneventful to be honest. The main thing I remember is discovering this magical place called London. I've never known somewhere so new and strange feel like  home and I think its safe to say it will always be one of my favourite places. Other than that nothing really happened but thats probably because during my 1st year of 6th Form I was sitting 4 AS Levels and working 3 jobs so I didn't really have time for anything to happen.

2014 was another successful year, I turned 18, sat and passed my A-Levels and started studying for my degree. I also got to enjoy what I didn't realise would be our last big family holiday.

2015 I lived in a beautiful student flat, honestly that view still gives me the feels. I started socialising more and I could vaguely see my anxiety improving.

2016 I met my best friend. I went to London again but this time at Christmas, I also went on a protest for education rights and cuts before that visit. It was a day to remember to say the least.

2017 within the first 2 months I was in London again, once for a uni trip and again for an interview. I turned down that interview and I was gutted but it just wasn't viable at that time, little did I know I would eventually be thankful for that decision. If I had taken that offer I wouldn't have been able to say goodbye to my nan in the winter and that would have killed me. I also graduated and went back to uni.

2018 I've said before what a dreadful time that was I mainly remember tears of frustration, emotional exhaustion and hurt. However I also got my pup and that pup changed me more than I ever imagined, you see no matter how hard life gets I know that if I left, the pup couldn't understand and would forever be waiting for me to come back. I never knew a pups unconditional love would change me so much.

2019 has given me so much, I got to go to new places, I travelled abroad for the first time in 10 years, I ticked things of my bucket list and I found a new dream to chase. 

The last 10 years have been a rocky journey but onwards and upwards from here so 2020 bring it on.

I Never Asked...

I never asked for my secrets to be passed on like a game of Chinese whispers,

I never asked for people to say words that cut like knifes,

I never asked for death threats,

Yet by 12 I got them all.

I never asked to be pressured into things I didn't want to, 

I never asked to be alone in a corner with him,

I certainly never asked him to kiss me,

And yet he did.

I didn't want or need part time friends,

I shouldn't have had to deal with such toxic relationships so young,

I didn't asked to be judged by the people who I thought would always be there for me,

I never asked for those things, but I got them,

I didn't want people to go out of their way to try and harm me,

I never wanted that to lead to anxiety or depression,

I didn't ask for some of the adults who had a

duty of care to let me down when I needed them,

But for those people I 'deserved' what I got.

I never thought I'd be addicted to a blade,

I never wanted to learn how to hide and heal cuts,

I never wanted to feel so low,

And at the time I couldn't decide whether or not I wanted to stop.

I never wanted wooded areas to remind me of trauma,

I wish the people around us had said something.

Entering wooded areas remind me of how in one second life can change,

I never asked him to touch me,

In fact I told him 'No' I made it clear not to touch me.

But he did. 

I never wanted to be broken,

I never wanted to feel shame and disgust,

I never wanted to be damaged

But I am.

Because I am broken and damaged I have changed,

I am cautious of people, even those who want to be 'friends',

I panic if I can't see an exit,

I've not had a boyfriend since I was 15 because I don't know if he

caused to much damage.

I felt shame because I was made to believe everything I never asked for was my fault,

I was made to feel shame because I gave in to a boy,

all because I was too scared to say 'No'.

I was made to feel weak because I couldn't just quit,

I was made to feel ashamed because I 'misjudged' the situation,

because when I finally was strong enough to say 'No' I was 

just 'playing hard to get and didn't mean it'.

But I did.

So now I'm broken, I'm cut up into tiny pieces,

and that might not have been my decision,

but it's my decision to choose to live and not simply survive.

One Year Later.

25th May 2018. I left University. It was the day before I was supposed to break up for half term. Now there's lots of supposed to's. 

I'm supposed to be finishing my NQT year. I'm supposed to be in secondary. I'm supposed to be done with university, but I'm not and I can't change those things I've just accepted those things for what they are.

Secondary wasn't the path I was supposed to take. Primary seems to be my natural habitat but I have learnt nothing is ever guaranteed. I need to make these next 2 years mine. I need to forget about toxic, negative, oppressive people who are power hungry and feel the need to belittle others. instead I need to focus on me. What I want to do. I know I'm not stupid, I know deep down I can do this even if there is a little self doubt.

In 1 year I've spent time crying constantly not wanting to move, rebuilding my confidence, getting back into class, getting a place at university and preparing for university.

I've rediscovered who I am and who I want to be, I've started growing my roots and I can't wait to grow my branches.

So here's to that nightmare of a year. Here's to power hungry people. A new path and hope.

I'm getting the career, I'll take care of that. Destiny just needs to do its job. 

Feeling 22

22 you have been a rocky, dramatic year. I feel like I've almost lived out my whole twenties in one year. Most of it has been rough in every sense of the word so as I'm about to turn 23 I thought it would be a good idea to reflect on the positive things that have happened. 

Career wise I took some much needed time out (sort of) to re-evaluate what path I would follow and I realised that sometimes there's a block in the road because thats not the path you need to take. I love what I do and I want to progress and continue that career. I am so lucky that I've found my forever career so young even if it has been a bit of a bumpy road.

In terms of finances, money hasn't been great at 22, but I finally managed to start saving for a house and each bit that I save gets me closer and closer to that goal.

Personally I have changed so much that some days I feel like a completely different person.          I feel stronger, more independent, calmer. I feel so much more freedom and more confident in who I am. Don't get me wrong, I had a massive knock in my confidence this year but I've built myself back up again and I'm rediscovering the person I was before January 2018.

Education is a tough one, after all I left university. So I guess you could say at 22 it was reinforced that having an education doesn't necessarily make you a better person, everyone is intelligent in their own right after all. 

I am definitely still single so in the conventional sense I shouldn't put a big fat tick in the relationship box. However, I guess its partially because I know what I bring to the table and I'm not afraid to eat alone. I don't see why I should and I'm not willing to accept things such as mind games or hypocrisy. So in that sense I'm giving it a big fat tick.

Finally health, I have lost the weight I gained over a stressful period of time, I've started not only going to the gym but also liking it (I think at some point this year I may have had a slight personality transplant). I've started taking steps to improve my mental health as well, I've also improved on being able to tell when its on a downward spiral so health definitely gets a tick.

So I'm counting the blessings of being 22, the end was definitely better than the beginning and I guess the only way is up from here on.

Chasing Dreams.

It feels so long since I've wrote a really hopeful, happy post that if it were to be a colour it would be the brightest of yellows, and I think its safe to say between December 2017 and 2018 I took a metaphorical beating. I dealt with a lot. I felt like quitting as tears streamed down my face for 5 months. By August/September I questioned leaving my hard work and dreams behind and finding new ones, but I'm not a quitter. I don't give up. I just don't think its in my DNA.

Before my first birthday I was diagnosed with epilepsy, my body was resisting medication and having 40 seizures. I should've missed my childhood, but I walked and I talked (and didn't stop talking) and as I grew into an infant I danced and sung my heart out, I went to school and I climbed the climbing frame. 

As I grew into a child I progressed in my education, I proved even more people wrong. I loved to read and despite missing days/weeks/months of school I worked hard to defy the odds. Teenage me made it her mission to prove those who doubted me wrong. I got up no matter how many times they kicked me, when they tried to change me I pushed back, and it wasn't straightforward and it wasn't easy but I did it. I got my GCSE's which some people didn't expect it, I got my A-Levels and I got my degree.

So when you tell me I will never do something, or that you don't think I'm capable and I should probably just give in. When you try and tear me a part like a piece of material, you can be assured that I will do it, no matter what it takes. Even if that means starting again which is exactly what I will be doing.

I will be starting a new university course in August. I will be chasing the dream once more and when I graduate, knowing I've done my best and I have proved them wrong I will be beaming. Not because I care about what they think but because it will just serve as another reminder that anything is possible and people can only drag you down if they're already beneath you.

In August I'm getting a clean slate but I'll do my best to make sure its the best slate yet. So here's to 2019, chasing dreams and never, ever giving up even if it feels like the best option at the time.

Healing Not Healed

In my 22, nearly 23 years of living life has dealt me some rubbish cards. In the last 10 years I have dealt with a lot and whenever you talk to someone, it could be anyone and I could be speaking about anything its 'How are you holding up?' 'I hope you're getting through/over it?', what I've realised in the past few months though is you never really get over it, over anything. They'll always be a reminder.

I'll never get over being bullied because I have anxiety due to that, and when I finally became a happy, confident, bubbly person again after years of trying to become that person, it was taken away again. Something/someone else happened and I became a recluse. I couldn't bare to see people and had to force myself to talk to people I'd known for years or even to go outside and face the day. 

I'll never stop grieving because I have all this love and it has nowhere to go and yes I'm thankful for the memories but when Mercedes was talking to Nana McQueen in Hollyoaks, I couldn't help but think 'What I would give for just one more day, one more conversation.' 

I'll never forget the hurtful, damaging comments my ex's said to me. I know they're not the truth but I will always carry them with me. I know I'm not dumb, I proved that when I got my degree. I don't value their opinion anymore, but they left their mark.

I may be strange but I don't think I'll ever be healed. It's like my heart and soul are a mirror, they've been shattered and although each time I've picked the pieces up and glued them back together the best I could, you can still see the cracks and the dried glue. 

I will never forget all of the tears, the breakdowns, the self harm. I will never forget the lows even when I'm at my highest. Only I will know how sorry I am for pushing people away when they were trying to be there for me, how confusing and painful all that was. But I will also not burden people with that because as a society we expect people to heal within a certain time.

If I said all those things, that I am still haunted just not as frequently, that I still think about pretty much one of those things each and every day I would be told 'But it was years ago.' or asked 'Aren't you over that yet, it was years ago?'. So I'll say 'I'm fine.' or 'Everything's OK.' and I know I will never be 'healed' and thats ok because all of those things are a part of who I am, not one single thing defines me, but if they hadn't happened, if they didn't leave me a little bit hurt or broken then I would not be the 22 year old girl that I am and on those good days I am fierce and I am proud of who I am and the choices I made and who I'm turning out to be. And that, that is all what matters. 

So here's to not being healed, for growing constantly, for wounds being open, for them serving as a reminder that pain exists and it won't always feel as bad as the initial hit. Heres to healing even if we'll never be healed.

2018 Favourites

I started this blog so I could have a place that I could write about things I loved and was passionate about and whilst I do use it for that I still don't discuss certain things like beauty, fashion, music or books. So I thought I would change that and to kick things off I'd write a post about things I've loved in 2018.

Film and TV

Mamma Mia Here We Go Again

Me and my mum went to see this at the cinema and I fell in love with it, the storyline, the costumes the soundtrack it all just fitted so well. Despite the fact some people got irate at plot holes in the story line such as the order Donna met the dad's, I thoroughly enjoyed it and would watch it time and time again.

Black Lightning

I only started watching this because my mum was watching it but I soon became hooked. I don't really enjoy watching things like this but the characters and the storyline was so catching.

13 Reasons Why

13RW is such a bizarre thing for me, like Hannah I suffered with/have depression, fortunately unlike Hannah my attempts were unsuccessful. For me its intriguing to think of what could've happened and it serves as a reminder of what I could've left behind and that no matter what they'll always be an element of devastation.

Casualty

This is something I only got into because I wanted something easy to follow on a Saturday night, I watched it on and off in the past. I started getting into it during the storyline of Alicia's rape. The storyline was written and executed amazingly. It explored taboo/untold topics of rape, how the victim may feel, how the attacker may react, how those around you could react. It has done other storylines incredibly well but this one got me hooked. If you're one for dipping in and out of things I'd definitely suggest casualty.

Food and Drink

Gin

More specifically flavoured gins. I'm not a massive drinker but I love flavoured gins like pink gin, lemon drizzle gin. They taste amazing and they also look pretty.

Cheese

I have consumed waaaayyy too much cheese over Christmas, including plum chutney cheese, gingerbread cheese, white chocolate and caramel cheese and I loved them all. Cheese is just heaven and involved in many of my favourite foods. I love it, I always have even if my skin doesn't.

Slimming World

Towards the end of 2018 I started Slimming World, I didn't join a group I figured it out by myself and had lost around 1 stone before Christmas. I love some of the meals, I love knowing whats going into my food and I love having a reason to buy new clothes. I also have a slight obsession, I've seen people suffer with illnesses and if theres anything I can do to make sure I'm the healthiest I could be then I'll give it a go.

Beauty

Urban Decay All Nighter

This has been my safety net for the whole of 2018. It kept my make up on and I felt refreshed whenever I sprayed my face with it despite it being one of the hottest summers the UK had experienced in years.

Disney Beauty

More specifically Mad Beauty and Primark's collaborations with Disney. I've loved face masks, false lashes, false nails. I even invested in some Disney Spectrum brushes. Disney and beauty are 2 of my favourite things so to have them combined is lovely.

Too Faced Better Than Sex Mascara

If I haven't been wearing mascara I've been wearing this, it was the first high end product I've repurchased and despite wearing it almost every single day it still lasted me longer than almost every other mascara I've tried. From the first use I had a wow moment as it made my lashes pop. Its also fairly easy to remove which is always a bonus.

Hair

Scrunchies

Need a way to quickly accessorise your hair, grab a scrunchie. Need something to tie your outfit together, grab a scrunchie. Want to tie your hair up, you guessed it grab a scrunchie. They're cheap and so versatile and also very nostalgic.

Argan Oil

As someone who bleaches her hair its obviously important to look after it and whilst shopping in the summer I found the perfect solution. Whilst browsing in Superdrug I noticed they had a 3 for 2 offer on hair products and since I was buying 2 things I thought I would try their 10 in 1 multipurpose pray and it makes my hair feel shiny and healthy. After years of using detangling spray on my knotty hairI I have found the perfect one in this spray it also helps that it smells good.

Fashion

Gym Leggings

Sssh, its a secret I have an obsession with these even if I don't go to the gym. They're comfortable and the perfect choice for a day of getting stuff done.

Borg Denim Jacket

This jacket is possibly one of the best purchases made in 2018. Its so versatile and warm, easy to put on as well as going perfectly with a pair of black jeans or skirt. 

Jumper Dresses

The perfect comfortable yet stylish outfit. I love switching them up and wearing them with tights and knee or thigh high boots as well as leggings and ankle boots for something a little bit more casual.

So there it is, a few of my favourite things from 2018. Hopefully 2019 will be full of more wonderful things.

Thank U, Next

After listening to Ariana Grande's 'Thank U, Next' and becoming a little bit obsessed with it I thought I would take inspiration for it and write my own 'Thank U's' to the people/things  that I'll be leaving in 2018.

Dick.

You fooled some people with your lies and cover, but you couldn't fool me. 5 months of hell   and digging the knife in wasn't enough for you. I think you even believed yourself at times but thats ok because you taught me that I can survive pretty much anything. You're not having anymore time or energy from me so 2018 is where you'll stay because I'm getting better not bitter.

Kent.

6 whole months. 6 months you strung me along to literally just stop. I gave you the benefit of the doubt but you liked control, you liked to feel you were better, to try and make me feel worse. You taught me something though and that was your mistake. You taught me that I know how I deserve to be treated, and what I want and you weren't/couldn't give me that. So thank you, thank you for making me realise how far I've come.

Mo.
You didn't do anything majorly wrong, you also tried to be there, but you were thoughtless and careless at a time when I was so fragile and for me that showed everything. It showed me that you weren't there because you wanted to be there for me more you needed me to be there for you.

I'm so grateful you three showed me your true colours and taught me things about myself. I'm so thankful there is a group bigger than these three of people who will/are no longer a part of my life. 

So 2018 thank you, next.

*Names have been changed.

Changes

I used to think my life was so repetitive, especially when I was younger, I had the same classes, same teachers, wore the same type of clothes/colours to school, had the same friends, some even from before nursery. Ate at pretty much the same time everyday, went for a walk at the same time everyday. It was mundane and boring. Even as I got to uni in the beginning I would stick to the same trusted favourites, favourite bars, favourite shops despite having so much more choice than before, but as I sit here now I realise how much can change in such a short while.

I never fully understood how they say your whole world can turn upside down in a moment. I got why people felt that but it had never happened to me. Everything always seemed to happen after having time to prepare. I had members of my family with cancer, it gave us time to prepare for their death. I knew when I hadn't done well on an exam or as well as I wanted and could prepare for that.

However I couldn't prepare for my Nan's death, she was seen by a doctor only 15 minutes before the ambulance was called, a friend had resuscitated her whilst the ambulance was on their way. I'd called from work to see how she was as we were waiting for the doctor. I didn't know I would drop out of uni until the day I sent that email. All within just under 6 months. Within 10 months things I never thought would happen did. I left a dream behind, I for once let go of education, something that brought so much pain but so much joy. I was putting myself and my health first. 

I felt so low, despite somethings being my decision. I was saddened it had come to this, I felt ashamed that I'd given up but relieved I wasn't going through the torture I felt for so long anymore. I wasn't a failure but I was full of 'What if's?' I finally began to smile but my confidence disappeared. In one week I began to fall out of love with my dream career, I began to smile again, feel relief and my health and mental health improved rapidly.

One person, one event can change everything, for better or worse. At the same time, one decision you make can change your life instantly. Leaving a toxic relationship, crossing the road when you see traffic running, going on that spontaneous trip, getting into someones car who's been drinking or starting that new diet.

Its important to be cautious with the decisions we make and try and make the best ones for us, even if its within a split second.

Life Update

It's been a while since I've done a life update on this blog. So here is a brief summary of whats happened;

1. I started a postgraduate course at university. This was to help me enter my dream career, a dream I've had since I was 15. The reason I was so determined to do everything I had done up to that point.
2. I lost my Nan. There's been 2 posts on that so you can read those for the impact of that.
3. I finished my first placement. As my course is work based I had to complete 120 days of placement that was split 40 days for Placement 1 and 80 for Placement 2. I fell in love with placement 1, it showed me and affirmed why I chose that career, I felt I could make a difference. I was on track, I was happy.
4. I started placement 2. I hated every second of it. I wanted to leave so many times. It got me down, I began to dread every day of placement, I considered giving up my dream, finding an alternative dream, but I stuck it out as much as I could. It had a detrimental impact on my health though.
5. I turned 22. I played Taylor Swift's 22 on repeat, spent too much money and it was a chance to let my hair down and de-stress.
6. I dropped out of my course. I'd completed the days but when your seizure control is decreasing, you're being demotivated, demoralised and someone else tells you if it was two school students it would be bullying. When someone has a power complex and is determined to make your life difficult, to be contradictory, its time to evaluate what is best. Leaving the course and re-starting is the best option for me. 

Thats it so far, the end of 2017 and 2018 has been ROUGH. Life is going to get better, I mean there has been the odd good thing but I'm too scared that vocalising them will only jinx it. However those events taught me: who's there for me, nobody should be treated the way I have been treated. I'm stronger than I thought, I've conquered so much, I'm still standing and I'm still fighting.

Grief Six Months On

Its six months since my Nan left us, so much has happened. We played Dani and Lizzy's 'Dancing in the Sky' for her, because everything is different, there is an emptiness. Theres questions. There's waves where it gets worse, where you think, she's missing all of this.

She never said goodbye, we had no idea. I've needed her so much these past six months, I've gone from having my life pretty sorted to having it thrown into the air. I've been used to coming in from wherever, going to see her everyday and her comforting me or just talking to me to nothing in an instant. I still remember little conversations.

When she left us, I promised I'd make her proud. I thought that meant graduating but it turns out it seems to be doing whats best for me. I've tried to live my best life. I've grown, I've done whats made me happy.

I never thought leaving university would be the best solution, I never thought I'd be in a situation again where every weekday I dreaded getting up or the person who counts the hours until finishing time. Who got that Monday dread but instead of it being a Sunday night it was Sunday to Thursday. That one place, one person could reduce my seizure control, have such a detrimental impact on my confidence and mental health.

I know she'd have hated seeing that, she always wanted me to be safe and happy. However, she would be happy to see me let go of my ghosts, to find amazing, supportive friends. That I stood my ground and by my beliefs, that I haven't lost myself like I have so many times. I've not relapsed. I took control as much as I could, I spoke up even if the people I spoke up to didn't do enough. I gave 100%.

Each day I still grieve because each day there's something to tell her, show her, or a memory to be made, but she will live on for the rest of my life. I have her spirit, her fight, her faith in love. I'll never stop telling stories of her, I'll be unapologetically me. I'll always rise above whatever obstacle I'm facing. That brings a little comfort. I'm not a religious person, but I believe in heaven and hell. I believe she's with my Grandad, they're finally reunited after too many years apart. That she's with me. She's watching over me. She can hear me talk to her. I just hope she passes that spirit on to the future generations.

I hope she helps me find a love like her and my Grandad had, that for the rest of my life I make her proud, I make her smile, I make her laugh but more importantly she knows how much I loved her, how much her death broke me but also made me.

Grief has taught me so much, its changed me, it will continue to change me, but I know it will make me stronger.

What Its Like Losing a Grandparent.

Losing my nan changed my life. For almost 3 months theres been a piece missing. At 21 I didn't expect to die or have someone around me die. It sounds silly but I just presumed whoever it was would be there. I am fully aware that it exists, its in the news, people I know have lost people close to them, and my nan wasn't the first family member I lost.

I had friends who lost grandparents, who had a vague idea that it was happening. I only had one grandparent, the others had died either whilst I was a baby/small child or my granddad died at a young age and so I never met him. I know people who've lost grandparents or relatives who they weren't close to, but after my nan passed, I re-evaluated everything. It seemed strange to me that someone could not be close or miss them, but thats because I saw or spoke to my nan every day, even when I left for uni. She is a part of almost every single childhood memory I have.

When she passed, I instantly grew up, in what felt like a second everything had changed. I had no warning, I went to work, she was ill but she was fine, I got off the bus to see paramedics speeding towards her house, I hadn't got the phone call but in me somewhere I just knew that it was for her, so I tried ringing home, I tried running. I eventually got there, whilst my family were worried (and I was as well) I just snapped into leader mode. I knew it was almost time for my nephews to pass on the way home from school, I knew their routine and that if something changed they'd question it and part of me hoped she'd be going in the ambulance and coming home in a car. When I got that phone call to say come up, I knew but part of me still had hope, part of me still hoped it wasn't real as we were taken to a private room to say goodbye. 

That night I called friends, family members all of who where in shock, all of which hoping she'd pull through until we got home to deliver the news. I guess in that moment I grew up not by choice but because I had to. I had gone to her for support my entire life, even if it was just for a moan, as a family we'd seen her deal with death to many times, we used to call her the expert. 

I was thankful for every small moment up until then, and although I didn't realise it at the time, I knew then. I was thankful my generation was 'obsessed' with documenting our lives and technology. That obsession allowed me to Skype or FaceTime my nan whilst I was at university, send photos and make sure she was part of my life regardless of distance. I could and keep photos and memories with me 24/7.

When she passed, she took a part of me with her, she took a piece of everyone she knew. She got to see so many things, and will see so much more watching over us. Whilst at uni I always knew my family came first but now I prioritise making memories, I try and worry less. I never understood grief until that day, I never understood what it was until the days, weeks and even now its been almost three months after. 

Grief is love with nowhere to go, and you expect the big things to get you, but its the little things. That night I had a vivid dream where I was talking to my nan at her kitchen table, I woke up thinking she was still here for a second until it hit me. Its going shopping and her not asking to see what I've brought or what I'd eaten in town. 

My nan prepared me and was there for most of the biggest adventures and biggest highs in my life, she waved me off to prom, she came to uni when I first moved into halls, she visited each flat, she was there waiting for me at her house after graduation. Yet the biggest loss and what seems to be the worst and biggest journey through life, she's not here guiding me, she couldn't prepare me for this, all I have is hope and little signs from her. I promised her I'd live a life she could watch and be proud of, I promised her through me she'd live on. Thats all I can do, I can't bring her back and the truth is she's probably happy, watching over with granddad, so making sure the life she see's is a good life that brings happiness and is something she can be proud of will be a new adventure. One she'll be there for even if its not physically.

Update: Mental Health

It's been a really long time since I published a blog post, in fact, to be honest its been a really long time since I whole heartedly did anything fully. I had so many plans for summer, but I don't think I've even done half of them. My mental health has taken a beating once again, I've spent the days in my pj's getting by, attempting to 'adult'.

I've been battling with my mental health for almost 10 years now, and although I am on medication it is a tricky thing trying to find a dose and treatment plan that works and won't interfere to much with my epilepsy treatment plan. 

I love blogging, but all the life has been sucked out of my recently, it takes me days to even get the energy to reply to an email. I have power through days, but I've had to put that into course preparation, family time etc. appointments so things like blogging that I do enjoy have had to take a back seat (again).

I need to find a way to deal with this, I need to find a way to cope, I need to find a way to develop healthy habits that are going to help my mental health. I am a bottler, I keep things in, I don't let my guards down easily, also I don't think the fact that when I was younger and sought help for my mental health it completely backfired, and generally things just got worse. However, clearly the techniques I have at the moment aren't working either. I have so many things I want to do and achieve but if I don't tackle these issues then I'm not going to be fit enough to do anything.

So hopefully, I'll get better at this thing, hopefully I'll write a few blog posts before I start my course in a few weeks, but my priority needs to be things like the pre-course reading/assignment etc.

Officially A Graduate

On the 17th July 2017 I graduated Nottingham Business School with a 2.2 in Marketing. There were tears shed (in secret), reminiscing and celebrating we're all done.

Its crazy to think this time 3 years ago I was buying my last few bits for uni, preparing to move and waiting for my A-Level results.

Along those 3 years I've learned and gained so much. I talk about uni a fair bit here and the experience I had as it happened, but only now its all done can I look back on it as a whole. So in this blog I will touch on a few things.

Course/NTU

Firstly the course/NTU. Whenever I went to an open day at NTU it felt like I belonged, I looked wide eyed at my mum and knew the world was at my feet. It felt like home before I'd even got there, although I was local that was not the reason why. No other uni felt like NTU, I remember going to a open day at Hallam and we went to one session and I was like 'Mum I want to go, this place is not for me.' However whenever I heard about another event at NTU I was like 'Can we go?' 'Can we check this out, and do this.'

I remember being told I shouldn't pick NTU as my first choice but honestly I don't think there was anywhere else I would rather have spent my past 3 years. Nottingham is a beautiful city and NTU is a good uni. My course was versatile, I had choices, in my final year pretty much all my modules allowed me to focus on aspects or companies of interest. That made third year a lot less stressful, if you're researching and writing something your interested in it makes it easier. 

In addition to this I can honestly say I felt so comfortable at NTU and that was partially down to the staff. I remember being told at school 'Exams aren't really your forte, so you should focus on coursework' but at uni it was 'No you've got this, here's how we're going to tackle it.' I had a whole team of course staff and student support encouraging me and/or helping me. I can honestly say NTU cares about its students and not just the tuition fee's they bring, or at least my course team did. Before I got to NTU, they were talking to me about my needs in regards to my epilepsy, my depression and anxiety. They wanted the best out of me, which is obviously beneficial for them, the better I was, the better I performed, the better results they got. 

I never felt pressured, during my second year I had a rough time with my epilepsy, my medication was being increased every 2 weeks. I was experiencing horrific side effects (my memory was appalling I remember sitting in a lecture forgetting how to spell my last name) but thankfully my tutors have all been understanding of the fact my epilepsy or depression can get in the way and were happy to put plans into place for me. Without these plans or the support I received I can honestly say I would've had to make a decision between failing my degree or at least a year of it or my health. Anybody who knows me would know I am stubborn and there is a chance I'd of chosen the degree over my health.

My degree taught me transferable skills but also the struggles I faced taught me to reach out for help. When I felt like dropping out of my degree, or my mental health was taking a beating or my health was at a low. I knew something could be sorted with uni, it just meant that I had 1 less thing to worry about which made a massive difference.

The People

I have met some lovely people at NTU, and of course with that, some not so lovely people. I've had the joy to be part of NTU Drama for 2 years, Trent Tigerlillies as well as meeting people such as flatmates and course mates along the way. However, uni also made me realise how important the people I left at home were as well. 

Whilst being at uni, I realised that I also only had to surround myself with people who made me a better person, made me happy or had some kind of positive impact on my life. Its okay not to get along with someone, and you can say 'No' to having someone in your life, whether they've been in your life a short while or practically your whole life. 

For instance, during uni, several people have tried getting back in contact with me. One of these, was someone I once called my 'best friend' but during the years I'd given her several chances but the last time we 'fell out' was because I was talking to someone she didn't like (this was also during my A-Levels so we're like 16/17) and to me if someone who is supposed to be my friend of 10 years can do that I didn't need them anyway. Anyway, during uni they tried to get in contact again, and for a while I was like 'Ok, this is fine, we can be civil' but then it became toxic, she tried making me jealous over little things, acting like her life and achievements were far superior to mine. If I hadn't gone to uni I may not have realised that my achievements are just as relevant, and if she couldn't be happy for me then she had no place in my life. 

However, on the other hand I also met someone I can call my best friend, like she has he flaws and we're both a bit of a muppet at times but thats because we actually love each other. She knows what makes me tick, what I love, my weird crushes and also loves swearing as much as me. Like we have each others backs and we both know that even if her new flatmates are lovely they won't beat our pizza nights or bonding over reality TV. 

Finishing University!

On Sunday 28th May I submitted my final assignment for my degree, its crazy to think this blog started as a hobby in my first year. Its crazier to think of the memories I've made and the people I've met over the past 3 years.

I have had my ups and downs, I have hated uni, I've wanted to leave, I have met some dreadful people who I will hopefully never see again (and for those on my course I intend to avoid them at graduation as well). However it has also been amazing, I've made a new best friend who I can trust, love and annoy.

I have had some amazing and weird nights out, I am proud to be pink. I've grown as a person, I've learnt so much more than the three levels of product or how to manage a brand. 

People might slag NTU off, because its a 'polytechnic' but in a few years I've gone from a girl who lost her confidence and her spirit, who had so little belief in herself and wasn't even planning on doing A-Levels let alone a degree. Yet here I am, I've completed my degree, I get my results in a week and graduate in almost a month. Its crazy thinking back to buying stuff for uni or going to my welcome week and being told about graduation and what to expect over the next 3 years. 

I remember being full of all these ideas about all the different societies I'd join and how much I'd do over the 3 years and how long away it all felt. I still remember going to NTU for open days being like this is my place, this is where I want to study but I did so much more than study for me NTU was an adventure. 

I'm not pro-uni but if you're considering it and its the right choice for you (i.e. career wise) then go for it and do not hold back it is an experience that you will treasure and look back on and be amazed. I will admit I remember thinking 'Can I go back to A-Levels again?' but I don't think I'd of changed it for the world. If I had done a placement year I wouldn't have met my best friend. If I had gone to a different uni I may not have joined a society like burlesque. Everything at NTU happened for a reason and admittedly even the not so enjoyable stuff or people taught me something.

So here's to NTU and 3 astounding years that I will always treasure.

Turning 21!

So almost 2 months ago I turned the grand age of 21, this post is definitely a bit late because it was also the middle of my assessments for uni. I had an amazing time with my friends and family and was truly spoilt. I went out at uni (which was eventful and entertaining) in a pretty dress and red lipstick and as it washy 21st my family threw me a party back home.

I danced to cheesy, old music like Steps and ate far too much cake, I think it took us just over a week between everyone to eat all the cake and cupcakes.

But turning 21 made me realise and appreciate so much, I am a perfectionist but the fact the cake turned out wrong (complete and utter disaster) I knew that the cake wasn't why people were coming. I got to dance with my nephews and try and teach them the cha cha slide, I got to be with people who I love and who love me back.

I didn't let my assignments take over (too much), I got told I didn't look a day over 18, and I did the adult thing and had water every other drink. I wasn't worrying about what others might think or say, I did what was right for me.

21 is going to be my year, I will graduate, start my PGCE, I already have so much to look forward to and I know its going to be amazing. However, it did made me realise I am definitely having to adult.

So here's to my second year in my twenties.

Disney Tag

I was going to do a 'approaching 21' post a while ago but uni and final year got in the way so I decided to do a lighthearted 'Disney Tag'. 

1. Favourite scene in a Princess movie?

Either the end of 'Part of your world' where Ariel is on the rock or the scene in Tangled with all the lights.

2. Favourite scene in a non Princess movie?

When Scar is defeated

3. Last Disney movie you watched?

Moana

4. Is your family Disney obsessed?

Not really.

5. How many times have you visited the parks?

Unfortunately 0

6. Which park is your favourite?

I want to go to Disney World the most.

7. Cinderella’s castle or Sleeping Beauty’s castle?

Cinderella's

8. Favourite animal themed movie?

The Lion King

9. Favourite Disney movie from the 1950’s?

Cinderella or Peter Pan

10. Favourite Disney movie from the 1960’s?

101 Dalmatians 

11. Favourite Disney movie from the 1970’s?

The Aristocats or Bedknobs and Broomsticks

12. Favourite Disney movie from the 1980’s?

The Little Mermaid

13. Favourite Disney movie from the 1990’s?

Mulan

14. Favourite Disney movie from the 2000’s?

Finding Nemo 

(there was far too many to chose from so I did 'eerie meenie')

15. Favourite Disney movie from the 2010’s?

Brave

16. Favourite non-human character?

Stitch

17. If you could trade lives with one character which one and why?

Moana, I love flower crowns, and the beach so I would happily trade lives with her.

18. First Disney orientated memory?

I remember having dreams about the 3 fairies from Sleeping Beauty teaching me to fly, or dressing up as Cinderella at parties. I remember being obsessed with Pocahontas and having a Pocahontas room but they're all quite vague and I'm not sure which was first.

19. Would you get married/have your honeymoon at one of the parks?

I don't know, considering I'm single its not something I've planned.

20. If you could date one of the characters, who would it be and why?

Flynn/Eugene because I think life would be very entertaining with him

21. Would you name your child after one of the characters?

Again, not something I've thought of really, however I am getting 2 new pets and they're going to have Disney names (and my pets are basically my children right now)

22. Favourite villain?

Ursula, although I kind of hate her as well. 

23. If you could have two characters from different movies meet, who would they be and why?

Rapunzel and Ariel, I feel like they have/would have a lot in common and would get so excited.

24. Are there any characters who didn’t have a romance but you wish had?

I feel Moana and Maui might make a good couple, but I also like the fact they're just friends so I guess not.

25. Favourite sequel?

The Cinderella sequels and The Little Mermaid sequels

26. Least favourite sequel?

I don't know, I haven't watched a sequel in ages if I'm honest

27. Have you ever met any of the characters at the parks?

Evidently not.

28. Favourite live action Disney movie?

Cinderella (I still need to watch BATB)

29. Favourite soundtrack?

At the moment, Moana.

30. What are your top three favourite Disney songs?

How Far I'll Go

Hakuna Matata

Almost There

31. Mickey or Minnie?

Minnie

32. Which Disney movie do you think is overrated?

Frozen, I like it but there are also other films/characters that deserve so much more credit (For example, there were princesses before Elsa like Mulan and Merida that were independent women)

33. Which Disney movie do you think is underrated?

Mulan, Pocahontas or Brave

34. If you could be a face character at one of the parks, who would you be and why?

Ariel, she has always (and probably will always be) been my favourite princess/character.

35. If you could be in any scene from any Disney movie, which would it be and why?

'Part of your world' or when Peter and everyone are flying over London to Neverland

36. Which movie do you find the most nostalgic?

The Little Mermaid

37. Favourite Pixar movie?

Brave (even though I usually forget that's a Pixar film)

38. Least favourite Pixar movie?
A Bug's Life

39. Are there any Disney movies that you haven’t seen?
Quite a few actually, one of them is The Rescuers

40. Is there a scene or movie that makes you cry?
Not really. Bambi used to when I was a child

41. Is there a song that makes you cry?
No, I usually just sing and/or dance a long.

42. Favourite Disney prince?
Flynn or Eric

43. Which character do you relate to the most?
Ariel I think

44. Do you own any clothing that’s Disney themed?
Yes, possibly too much - in fact I'd say at least 75/80% of my PJ's are Disney

45. Favourite villain song?
Poor Unfortunate Souls/Mother Know's Best

46. Most iconic kiss?
In general it has to be Cinderella and Prince Charming

47. Favourite sidekick?
Flounder or Pua

48. Favourite Princess and why?
Ariel

49. Funniest Disney scene?
I don't know if its the funniest for me but the one that sticks out most is 'What do you want me to do dress in drag and do the hula?' also Flynn's narration in Tangled

50. Favourite Disney movie and why?
The Little Mermaid, I'm not sure why its just always been my favourite no matter what age.