Uni Update

So I have moved into my new flat, while I was writing the last post I got my results and I passed. I have my timetable for 3rd year and I start in just over a week.

When I think that 2 years ago I was this excited fresher, ready to start a new adventure and now I'm having to think about a Research Project and life after uni is startling. It feels such a short while ago and yet at the same time it also doesn't feel like in around a year I will be a graduate.

The people I disliked last year have gone, I am aiming to become more organised (again). I am determined to make this year mine, even if I do have the tutor I dislike. So I'm going to make some goals for third year.

Stay Organised - I usually start of organised, and then dwindle into 'I'll do that later.' etc. Then get myself in a mess/panic and it all spirals out of control.

Take More Control - I had a few issues last year where people essentially just decided to take the mick. Even if I tried to stop it they would still continue. 

Go Out In Style - I want my last year to be the best. I want this to be THE year. The one where I rock it, I become the person I want to be, I have grown so much in the 2 years. Most people especially those close to me can see how much I've changed and tell me how far I've come, but its still not quite enough. So I will push myself and I will be able to look back and be able to say I did it the best way possible.

Of course I want a good grade and I want to go and pursue the dreams I have for after my time here but life isn't always about letters and numbers on a piece of paper.

Tag Tuesday: 108 Questions

So I've done as much prep and moving in as I can do for now, and I need a distraction since my results are due in 2 hours give or take. Therefore, I thought it might be a good idea to get back into 'Tag Tuesday'.

1) Are you really ready for 108 questions?

Yep

2) Was your last real relationship a mistake? 

Pretty much, I mean it made me happy for a while but,

it also made me miserable at times.

3) Who was your last relationship with?

 A guy I had a crush on for a long time,

shame it didn't live up to my expectations.

4) Who did you last say “I love you” to? 

Probably my nephews just before I left to go back to uni.

5) Do you regret it? 

Of course not.

6) Have you ever been depressed? 

Unfortunately yeah.

7) Are you a boy or girl?

Girl

8) Who is your best friend? 

The person who has been there no matter what,

I'd love to tell the world how amazing she is.

but I also don't want the world reading into her life. 

I chose blogging she didn't.

9) What is your relationship status?

Single

10) How do you want to die?

Peacefully, other than that I don't really know.

It's not something I've planned.

11) What did you last eat? 

Magic Stars.

12) Played any sports?

Only Burlesque, as a child I also did, gymnastics and karate for a while.

13) Do you bite your nails? 

When I don't have acrylics on, yeah. My mum has tried

everything, to get me to stop.

14) When was your last physical fight?

I can't remember, a long time ago,

so long that I was in school.

15) Do you have an attitude?

At times, but I also believe at times its necessary. 

16) Do you like someone?

I did but haven't seen them in a while, I could be seeing them soon,

so I guess we'll wait and see if I still feel the same.

17) What is your real name?

I don't feel like this is a first name basis, maybe by our third date.

19) Are you gonna get high later? 

No. I'm not about that life, each to their own, 

it's just not for me.

20) Do you hate anyone at the moment?

Hate's a strong word, I don't agree with some people, 

and I can find some people hard to tolerate but hate is a bit strong.

21) Do you miss someone?

Pretty much all the time.

 

22) Twirl or cut your spaghetti? 

Twirl...doesn't everybody twirl.

23) Do you tan a lot?

Call me 'Ghostie' I think it might be impossible for me to tan,

I tried fake tan and even then I'm still pale.

24) Have any pets?

Yes, they are my babies and I love them so much.

So much that I made my mum put my dog on Facetime instead of her.

25) How exactly are you feeling?

Content, yet reflective.

26) Ever eaten food in a car while someone or yourself is driving? 

Yep, in pretty much everyone's car that I've ever been in.

27) Ever made out in the bathroom?

Eww...germs, toilets..just no.

28) Would you take any of your exes back?

I'd rather have food poisoning or something.

29) Are you scared of spiders?

Yeah, all though I wasn't as a kid.

30) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

Maybe, I guess it depends on what time I'd be going back to.

31) Do you regret anything from your past? 

A lot. Some deep things and some not so deep stuff.

32) What are your plans for this?
I'll presume 'this' means The Little Daisy.  

So originally this was going to be a way I could show my interests to the world, like beauty and photography as well as document my life and voice my opinion. 

That didn't happen, well not the way I planned it. So I guess I could do that but I just want this to grow, not even in followers or readers but grow into something I can look back on and be proud of. Whatever that is.

33) Do you want to have kids? 

I always say this but it depends,

like I don't want to bring a child into a life it doesn't deserve.

 

34) Did you ever kiss someone whose name starts with an M?

Yes.

35) Do you type fast?

Sort of, but I used to type even faster, it also depends on what I'm doing/typing.

36) Do you have piercings? 

Yep and most of them are on one ear.

37) Want any more?

A couple more wouldn't hurt.

38) Can you spell well?

(Okay, I'll admit I first thought it meant the word 'well')

Not as well as I used to (I blame auto correct and Google).

39) Do you miss anyone from your past?

Yes.

40) What are you craving right now? 

Nothing really. I only ate a short while ago.

41) Ever been to a bonfire party?

Yep, mum used to have them at our house as a child.

43) Have you ever been on a horse? 

Yep

44) Kissed someone in a pick up truck?

No.

45) Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

I don't think so.

46) Have you ever been cheated on?

Yes. 

47) Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

Nope, not even happy tears.

49) Would you live with someone without marrying them?

Sure, its 2016 why not. 

50) What should you be doing?

Nothing, I should relax and use this time away from uni to relax but that won't happen until after my results go online.

*I interrupt this post because I got impatient and went to check my results to see if they got uploaded early and I PASSED!*

 

51) What’s irritating you right now?

Nothing...I'm on Cloud 9.

52) Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts? 

Yes.

53) Does somebody love you?

I'd like to think so,

unless you mean in a relationship way then probably not. 

54) What is your favourite colour?

At the moment, grey I think.

55) Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?

Nope, never.

 

57) Do you have trust issues?

Yes.

60. Do you have a good relationship with your parent(s)?

Most of the time, yes.

62) Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you?

Hopefully not.

63) Who was the last person you cried in front of?

My mum, I think.

64) Do you give out second chances too easily?

Sometimes.

 

65) Is it easier to forgive or forget?

Neither. They're both equally as difficult.

66) Is this year the best year of your life?

Hopefully.

67) What was your child nick name?

Sweet-Pea of my mum (my birth mother).

Munchkin and Pain.

68) Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

Nope and I don't intend to.

70) Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

When I'm the perky, happy, hopeful version of my self, yeah I do.

 

71) What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

Took my make up off/showered

(I like to take my make up off, shower then do it again).

73) What is bothering you?

Just a little issue with my timetable but that's it.

74) Have you ever been out of your state?

I don't live in the USA so we'll go with city, so yes.

75) Do you play the Wii?

Not any more.

76) Are you listening to music right now?

No I am watching Netflix

77) Do you like Chinese food?

Yes

78) Do you know your fathers birthday?

Yep, only because its 2 day's after my birds though.

79) Are you afraid of the dark?

Not really, walking alone in the dark yeah, but being in a dark room no.

80) Is cheating ever okay?

Never, just leave, in the end it causes a lot less pain and is less messy.

81) Are you mean?

I don't really like to think of myself as mean.

82) Can you keep white shoes clean?

Look I clean them, that's as much as I can do. On the plus side you can tell how loved my converse are.

84) Do you believe in true love?

Yes and no, I believe you still have to work at it,

you can't just give up at every hurdle.

 

88) Do you like the outside?

Yes.

 

89) Are you currently bored?

Nope, just happy.

90) Do you wanna get married?

Maybe.

91) Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

I don't know it depends on the situation and person its either cute or creepy.

 

92) Are you hungry?

No

93) Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight?

Eww and that's a bit too much information for the internet, no matter who answers.

 

94) What makes you happy?

Passing my exams, my nephews, elephants, autumn, London, shopping.

.

95) Would you change your name?

I used to dream about changing it but I don't know if I would now.

96) Ever been to Alaska?

No

98) Do you watch the news? 

Yes, occasionally.

99) What’s your zodiac sign? 

I'm on the cusp of Aries and Taurus.

100) Do you like Subway?

Yes!

101) Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

Yeah.

102) Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Don't have one, so I don't know.

103) Do you talk like your friends?

Yeah, well sometimes, it depends on the situation.

104) Have you ever seen someone you knew & purposely avoided them?

Yeah, especially back home.

105) Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? 

No.

106) Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

Probably someone at uni (well near uni).

107) Does it matter if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes?

Nope.

108) Can you count to one million?

Yep

I'm back...again!

Okay, so its been a while since I last posted, unfortunately when my uni results came in I failed a module (not spectacularly, only a few marks off which I think is more annoying/worse than getting 0). Therefore I had to focus on my resit, which was this week. 

However, even with failing that module my grade still improved from first year. The truth is, this year I wondered what I was doing at uni. Was it worth it? I've wondered whether I was good enough? Whether my dreams could be enough to keep me there, keep me motivated. I remembered and looked back at 16 year old me. I remembered how driven I was, how sure I was, the life I had and the life I wanted.

I knew my family would only want me to be happy, I am so lucky to have a supportive family. I met people at uni who said that they had a family who would be disappointed in them if they didn't go to or complete uni.

My mum will be the proudest parent at graduation, she already is, she doesn't know it all. She knows about the bullying, the death threats, the relapses, the self esteem issues, the things I gave up. Obviously she also knows about all of the health problems and most of the ones I could face.

She has hopes and dreams for me, but she wouldn't be upset if I didn't follow them. Of course she'd love to see me everyday/most days but knows I am restless, I have wings that are ready to fly and dreams that I wouldn't be able to achieve in my hometown.

I see my nephews growing up quickly, with wonder and curiosity in their eyes, the innocence and pureness of unbroken souls. I want to show them that they can do whatever they want, that if they dream big enough and work as hard as they can no hurdle will be to big. They're miracles and fighters. 

Haunted pasts don't have to define someone, I can do this, I can achieve my dreams, I can fight and I can win battles. Recovery is a daily struggle, simple things can trigger me, it took me so hard to not see everyday objects as ways to cope or as a comfort.

I miss the sassy, unbroken,hopeful person I once was. Life is full of hurdles, but this set back will only make victory even sweeter.

So here's to third year, the stresses, the highs, the memories and more importantly the final chapter of my journey at NTU.  

Tag Tuesday: A-Z of things I love

So I decided to do the A-Z tag of things I love for 'Tag Tuesday'.

A.

Autumn, it is the perfect in between its not extremely hot or cold, the fashion is so good and versatile. I love seeing the leaves change colours and it means the countdown to Christmas begins.

B.

Burlesque, it gave me so much confidence this year.

C.

Carbs, I tried the ketogenic diet to see if it would help my epilepsy, I didn't last a week before I gave in.

D.
Disney, it just makes me happy, no matter how old I am.

E.
Elephants. I'm slightly obsessed with them.

F.
Food, just food in general, I don't have a favourite.

G.

Going out, whether its shopping or simply going for a walk or picnic, I love just being out, unless its raining or cold.

H.
Hope, I have had depression for 8 nearly 9 years now so when I have hope or days of happiness it feels so good.

I.

Imagination, it has no limitation, it goes on forever and I guess that makes me happier, it has resulted in so many of my traits or interest like reading, writing and things such as films etc.

J.
Jokes, especially inside ones, those always feel more special.

K.

L.
London, I've said it before but I don't feel as anxious there and it just makes me happy.

M.
Make-up, it allows me to be creative and helps me to feel better.

N.
Nuggets, at the moment I may be a little obsessed, I don't have a favourite food but whether I have the chance I will have nuggets (battered not bread crumbs).

O.

P.
Pintrest, all my boards are private but I have so many boards, it is so good for inspiration or useful tips.

Q.
Quitting, I've realised, even more so recently that its okay to let things or people go that don't make you happy. If they're toxic or generally make you feel crumby then its okay to let them go and quit.

R.
Reality TV, it might be cringe but certain shows make me feel more content with my life and appearance. Its easy to watch which is perfect when you've had a stressful day.

S.
Shopping, which probably is one of the reasons I love London, it also was something I took into consideration when applying for uni.

T.
Ted Baker, I have a slight obsession its okay though.

U.

Unicorns, I don't even think I need to explain this.

V.
Vacations, even if its just to the local beach I just love exploring, seeing more than my home town.

W.
World Buffets, what is better than being able to eat Chinese food, pizza, sushi and dessert all at the same time. 

X.
Xmas, okay technically it should be spelt with a C, but its the same word and I love it. The food, the shopping, the music, giving gifts to the people I love it always feels so magical.

Y.
YouTube, like pinterest it has pretty much everything. It also allowed me to find a community of people who are lovely and kind and a result of that is that I now have some more amazing friends.

Z.
Zoo's I love animals and I get just as excited as the children who are there do. Especially with the elephants.

I want Tag Tuesday to be a fun, easy, and just something that lets me forget the stresses of life for a little moment.

Tag Tuesday: Ask, Me, About

So things have been a little crumby so I decided that I would do a tag. I know I've posted that I wanted to use this blog to have more of an impact and discuss topics I'm passionate about such as my epilepsy or equality but I just need something lighthearted at the moment. I'm also going to try and do a tag every Tuesday or every other Tuesday.

Ask

1. Sexual orientation

Straight

2.What I'm really bad at

Organisation, despite having OCD I also have a restless brain and can't seem to stay organised despite how much I try.

3.Description of my self esteem

Low, like rock bottom at times, there are times I feel bad about myself, my abilites and mainly my body, unless I know I've lost weight i.e. having to buy new clothes.

4.Favourite book

The Great Gatsby

5.Biggest turn offs

Nastiness, whether thats making judgements, generally being negative or making someones life worse. Younger guys, it might sound superficial but I just can't do it. Generally just acting like an idiot, like I can deal with a certain extent, but if you're going make ridiculous statements I just can't deal with it.

6.Description of my best friend

They're all beautiful, amazing, thoughtful, intelligent people who I adore.

7.Favourite Animal

Elephant

8.Someone I miss

Unfortunatly I never got to meet my granddad and my papa died when I was only 2 months, I have stories but I just wish I got to meet them. 

9.Reason behind my last break up

He was immature, a cheat, a liar and I'm not going to be treated like that
.

10.What I did yesterday

I went into town to pick up a few bits and bobs.

11.Greatest achievements
Surviving school, being almost 3 years into recovary and beating certain fears.

12.Description of who I dislike most
Catty, hypocritical and judgemental.

13.Favourite songs
Older Songs: Here and now, Slipping through my fingers, Summer of love and Spice up your life

New Songs: Secret Love Song, Love Yourself, Blank Space, Touch and Go and Wildest Dreams

14.Pets

I have a dog and a bird, I used to have a guinea pig and keep asking for more and another dog, however since I'm at uni mum thinks its not such a good idea.

Me

15.Favourite ice cream flavour
From the ice cream van: vanilla with bubblegum sauce and sherbet/fizz bits
Ben and Jerry's Karamel Sutra. Generally mint choc chip

16.Where I want to be right now
London, I am obbsessed with it and as I've written in other posts I want to live there.

17.Worst thing someone said to me
'You even failed at committing suicide'

18.I'll love you if..
Relationship wise: You actually know all of me down to what colour foundation I wear. We explore, you excite my mind.

Friend wise: You love disney, cope with my awkwardness/weirdness.

19.Future Plans
Move to London, have a career I love, explore, and just live my life.

20.Internal conflict I have
At the moment, I'm not sure how I feel about uni. I also consintely worry about life in general.

21.What I want to be

Happy, like I said I'm not sure about uni and I'm not sure who I want to be. I want to be as kind as I can be, I just want the best version of me.

22.Two Insecurities

My appearance and my abilities

23.If I won the lottery...
I'd go to Disney World and buy a house, I'd ideally be able to make it my dream home.

24.Description of my crush
Ambitious, intelligent, honest, funny and of course out of my league and I shouldn't fancy the guy.

25.Favourite thing about myself
My ability to face things that others couldn't deal with, general life hassles, my condition, my recovery. I don't let them get in the way of my life or my dreams.

26.Pet peeves
Arrogance, showing off, being judgemental, lying, winging, people who are unhygenic and/or lazy.

27.What I'm really good at
Messing up, that's my speciality, I should have an exceptional first degree in that.

About

28.Most traumatic experience
Years 8-10/11 in secondary school. Bullying, death threats, attacks aren't so fun.

29.Where I'd like to live
London.

30.Nicest thing that has been said to me

'Don't settle for a rock when you deserve diamonds' I've accepted some pretty rubbish things, I've thought I deserved them, I love hearing I've changed as well because I'm not exactly proud of the person I used to be.

31.Do I like where I am now

In respects to the person I am now, however in terms of where I live, no.

32.Biggest worry

Failing or not being able to achieve my dreams.

33.Something I'm waiting for

My future, for example I can't wait to move out properly or have a career that I love and enjoy.

34.Something I should've said a long time ago

'Thank you', I never told the people I was grateful for or the help they gave me when I had the chance. 

35.Last text message received

It was from my friend from uni.

36.What I hate about myself
I let things like my low esteem get in the way at times.

37.What I'm wearing
Minnie mouse pj bottoms and a Peter Pan top.

38.Words that upset me
Failure, Worthless, Hopeless, Ugly and the nickname I was called by the people who bullied me.

39.What I hated most about school

The fact that most of my year and other years bullied me, I got death threats, nothing was done, I used to get the blame. The fact my self harming wasn't taken seriously, certain staff didn't have faith in me until I proved them wrong, and then they 'always believed in me'. One member of staff also told me I 'deserved everything that happened/was happening.'

40.The last thing I ate
Oreo doughnut.

41.Last thing I drank
Water to take my medication.

End of Second Year

I had my final exam on Monday 6th June, my assignments have all been handed in. So far my grades are still higher than those I got in first year. Maybe its because I stressed less, I'm not sure how it works, this year I socialised more, went out more and still need to improve on my organisation, but something worked.

This year is 30% of my degree, so whilst my grades have improved it does not mean that I can just rely on those for my final grade. 

Second year has been a weird one, I keep discovering new things or rediscovering old things about myself. I met some lovely people this year. I still have the same plan, certain elements or timings have changed once...okay maybe a couple of thousand times and nothing is set in really set in concrete. 

I have learnt a few things;

1. I am so determined to move to London, it is one of the main things I think about, I cannot express the amount of love I have for London.
2. Its okay to be selfish, selfish doesn't have to be a bad thing, if my relationship with someone is toxic for me its okay to cut that off. 
3. I'm also very independent. I like living away from home, I love my family but I love my space, I love doing my own thing and living in my own space.
4. I am restless, I don't think I can feel content for a long while, I just keep on dreaming and reaching for the next step.
5. I feel happier, the depression can still come and take control.

I am not a fan of uncertainty, and second year has seen me face a lot of it, I have had scans, new treatment plans, as well as uni stuff like placement stuff. Second year really has managed to push me. Thankfully, I have managed to survive it. 

There is still a lot more work that needs doing, and its not going to be easy but it will be worth it. It feels that I'm now in my twenties and I'm heading towards my final year of my degree at NTU. 4 years ago I was a mouthy, determined 16 year old who was ready to start her A-Levels, who wanted to go to NTU and be a student and get a degree. A lot has happened since then and yet it feels like only yesterday. 

Its strange to think that in a few more years time I'll be a graduate looking back on now. Things could and probably will change all over again and hopefully I'll still be writing this blog (maybe more regularly, who knows miracles could happen).

I guess for now though the only thing I can do is hold tight, enjoy the ride, see what life brings and try and make it the best it can be.

Final Update : 20 Things To Do Before I Turn 20

So I turn 20 tomorrow, 2 decades old. I set myself 20 challenges and I didn't actively try in a way I just tried to gradually fix them day by day. Once I completed a challenge I decided not to stop there, and just continue.

I wanted to get out my comfort zone, and that has happened, I've walked home without having a little freak out at 4 am. Which is a lot better than making sure my mum or nan stay up until I come out of a gig so I can be on the phone and not get murdered. I am wearing clothes that last year I would've liked but wouldn't hSave worn because of people opinions.

I updated this last year saying I'd started a new sport, this helped me improve my health, my anxiety is slightly improving, whilst I was under my consultant before I never actually saw and after I didn't like the way I was treated by the nurse, I have now got an appointment with the consultant after her appalling behaviour. I'm eating more healthily and now have a Fitbit which tracks my sleep and can pick up on if I've had a seizure.

In terms of trying food I now like, Broccoli, Cauliflower, Brussels Sprouts where as a kid I would flat out refuse to eat them because they were 'disgusting'. Not sure if I ever actually tried them as a kid but still. However I don't like humus, I tried a bit of the lid and it went in the bin. I also saw the 5 new things relatively early into this.

Number 6 is a work in progress, I think it always will be. I can see I'm a better person than I used to be, and I can vaguely lower my walls. My skin is also a work in progress, I have started wearing a foundation with SPF and I think I've found some products that work for my skin, but that will probably change as usual.

My 5 lessons I've learnt; 

- 1. Some people are toxic, its okay to avoid these people.

- 2. I will always think the seaweed is greener in a different sea.

- 3. Love or true friendship is being able to tolerate and live with that person in harmony...I have not found these people.

- 4. I am restless and reckless, I'm not scared to do things I want to do even if things could turn bad (but not everything), I also don't like staying still, by that I have to move onto the next thing pretty quickly.

- 5. I do far to much thinking, like a lot, on the way to uni, it keeps me up at night as well.

As for writing, I've written essays, a little bit of the book, which I need to finish and start the next one. In terms of finishing what I started, in a literal sense of projects etc I haven't done that. In terms of old relationships people have tried to contact me. Those people are toxic to/for me so I cut it off once and for all.

Relaxing...binge watching Netflix of course, panicking about life, yes. However I have began to just not care, people's opinions don't matter as much to me now. I said I traced my family tree, I forgot the site, its all good.

Childhood memories; 

-Have a bad time with epilepsy and watch The Little Mermaid with Super Noodles and Sweetcorn - Check

- Have an EEG and MRI - Check

-Eat like a 3 year old - Obviously

-Watch old kids programmes...Yes

Letters...I wrote 1. I then realised my life was just normal and I'd probably remember it...I hope. Spend quality time with my family, going home and getting off the bus and having a 3 year old run up and hug you is such a good feeling. My family came down yesterday for my birthday. I've also managed to spend more time with my nan. However if I spend more than 2 weeks with them I want to escape from most of them and have my space back.

Confidence, that has improved, I still put myself down but that's okay I can work on that. Being happy. I've smiled. A Lot. I've laughed and socialised and its so good. I can be content just by going to make myself a cup of tea, in my flat, cuddled under my blanket.

Stand up for what I believe in, I've done that more, and more openly and hopefully without being abrupt. Smile, like I said I've done that, I've found more happiness (YAY!)

I've enjoyed my last year as a teenager, I've enjoyed dancing and laughing and the moments in between, it hasn't been perfect but nothing ever is.