Okay, so its been a while since I last posted, unfortunately when my uni results came in I failed a module (not spectacularly, only a few marks off which I think is more annoying/worse than getting 0). Therefore I had to focus on my resit, which was this week.
However, even with failing that module my grade still improved from first year. The truth is, this year I wondered what I was doing at uni. Was it worth it? I've wondered whether I was good enough? Whether my dreams could be enough to keep me there, keep me motivated. I remembered and looked back at 16 year old me. I remembered how driven I was, how sure I was, the life I had and the life I wanted.
I knew my family would only want me to be happy, I am so lucky to have a supportive family. I met people at uni who said that they had a family who would be disappointed in them if they didn't go to or complete uni.
However, even with failing that module my grade still improved from first year. The truth is, this year I wondered what I was doing at uni. Was it worth it? I've wondered whether I was good enough? Whether my dreams could be enough to keep me there, keep me motivated. I remembered and looked back at 16 year old me. I remembered how driven I was, how sure I was, the life I had and the life I wanted.
I knew my family would only want me to be happy, I am so lucky to have a supportive family. I met people at uni who said that they had a family who would be disappointed in them if they didn't go to or complete uni.
My mum will be the proudest parent at graduation, she already is, she doesn't know it all. She knows about the bullying, the death threats, the relapses, the self esteem issues, the things I gave up. Obviously she also knows about all of the health problems and most of the ones I could face.
She has hopes and dreams for me, but she wouldn't be upset if I didn't follow them. Of course she'd love to see me everyday/most days but knows I am restless, I have wings that are ready to fly and dreams that I wouldn't be able to achieve in my hometown.
I see my nephews growing up quickly, with wonder and curiosity in their eyes, the innocence and pureness of unbroken souls. I want to show them that they can do whatever they want, that if they dream big enough and work as hard as they can no hurdle will be to big. They're miracles and fighters.
Haunted pasts don't have to define someone, I can do this, I can achieve my dreams, I can fight and I can win battles. Recovery is a daily struggle, simple things can trigger me, it took me so hard to not see everyday objects as ways to cope or as a comfort.
I miss the sassy, unbroken,hopeful person I once was. Life is full of hurdles, but this set back will only make victory even sweeter.
So here's to third year, the stresses, the highs, the memories and more importantly the final chapter of my journey at NTU.
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