Grown Up Stuff

It's occurred to me that I don't really deal with adult issues, or deep issues and even on here I keep things at a distance, trying not to put a barrier down. All I really do on here is rant or just put facts that pretty much anyone could guess. I still think that nobody is reading it and it's just me sat a computer just rambling and having a conversation with her. However by my stats its not, and its clearly not the people I know because 1) I don't know that many people and 2) I don't know anyone in some of the countries this is getting viewed in. 

I started this as just somewhere to vent and stuff but I have a voice on here. I have people willing to hear it and I'm not really using that opportunity very well. I'm not showing the real me. The real things that I worry or care about. 

I am 19. I am a student. I have fought...a lot, I am not confident, I can act, I can pretend I am but every actress eventually takes of her costume. I hate the fact that I can't tell someone 'I like you and you're pretty awesome' no matter how many people go 'You should tell him.' I have lost count of the things I'd change about myself and I like to pretend I am this cold hearted person so that nobody will want to get close and people won't hurt me. I hate that even though I begin to lose myself when I drink, this never really goes away. I won't go out without make up and that is one thing that scares me most, that someone will one day have to see me without it. Nobody knows all of me, nobody knows I am scared. Scared of being hurt, scared of losing the battles I face. Scared I'll never truly be happy, that everything in life will just go by me. I hate rejection, not just from guys but people in general, no in fact life in general. 

I tell other people things I should be telling myself 'Tell him you like him, what have you got to lose?' but even when other people tell me I push them off 'That guy is looking at you' he's not looking at me, he's looking at someone or something else but not me. Never me. If he talks to me I think he's joking, which can help in certain situations. I hate to feel trapped, I like having an escape route at all times. I like to feel in control. I like distractions, I like pretending these things aren't happening. Crowds help except they don't help the anxiety. 

I do have happy days though next to my desk is a photo board (it should be used for a calender and stuff but I've got better priorities). I look at them and I get sentimental. 

I have a photo there of my Nan and the Granddad I never got to meet, he died before any of his grandchildren were born, before any of his children were adults. The last 2 years he lived on half a heart but him and my Nan married when she was 19. He worked at the pit all of his working life and my Nan always tells me how no man can ever compare or what an amazing father, and that to me that's love, seeing someone talk about the way she talks about him, with love and loss in her eyes, making sure he stays alive in everyone else.

I have a lot of photo's of my nephews, who steal my phone to take selfie's or watch Netflix, or my eldest nephew's drawings from school. Photo's of London because that is my happy place, that is where my heart becomes 5 again and I just become free or the zoo to remind me of the job I loved (who doesn't love a job where you get to go to the zoo?).

Next to my bed are quotes from films or books that I can look at as I wake up in the morning, which is a lot prettier than a blank wall. I have days were all I do is put comfy clothes on and just watch films in my duvet with a cup of tea. I love that I get to live independently and unlock the door with the key to my flat. I love to write and have times where all I do is write segments of the book I try and write. I reminisce and that helps because old me was an idiot, well more of an idiot. 

I have rent to pay, food to buy and make, decisions that only implicate me and only I can make. I have doctors appointments and scans and I have to do them for me now, not because my mum makes me. I decided I wanted to step out my comfort zone and in a way I have, I just need to jump over those hurdles.

Life sucks but the guy who's looking your way may not be looking at that chair or the person behind you, he could be looking at you. That girl who compliments you on your outfit, is probably genuine. It's perfectly acceptable to blast Steps or My Chemical Romance, it is definitely acceptable to say 'No I deserve better' or just 'No'. I hate saying no, but as much as I love spending time with people there are some days where all I want is a book and a film. I don't particularly listen to other people very well either, if people have faith in me, its because they're pretending. Unfortunately that is because I let other people write my story for so long they're words just aren't becoming undone. 

I've wasted so much time bottling this version of me when I could of been using it to let people know that its fine, they're not alone. Nobody is and life can be suckish and dark and crumby but that doesn't matter You might come from a working class family but you can still make something of yourself. You might hate yourself but somebody will always love you, you just might not have found how to switch on the light. If I can not post crumby vague stuff and let down some (baby steps) of my walls then I'm sure you can find a little happiness in your life. They're is someone worse than you, I don't mean with poor living conditions but I'm talking morally, you might do things your not proud of but I'm guessing you're not reading this from a jail cell or are a criminal master mind, so you're all good.

So I'm going to delete all the stupid blog posts and for everyone I'm going to (well try) post a better one, not grown up but not pointless. This will be a long process.

Equality

So I did a previous post stating that I was a feminist and because of that it meant that I want equality regardless of what that means, whether its good or bad.

Yes I would like it to be acceptable for girls and women to wear what they want, after all its common sense in the winter we'll wear jumpers but we're not going to do that when the sun is shining. We also actually wear outfits for ourselves, okay we may make a little more effort if we fancy someone or we're going on a date but again that is our choice.

However, equality also applies for men, that means that a man should be entitled to spend the same amount of time with his child as the mother. A man should not have to live up to the expectations of being 'manly' it is acceptable to cry and perfectly fine if they don't have a six pack.

I want equality, I want the girls that paint their faces to feel as equally important as the ones who don't and are 'naturally beautiful'. I want a man to feel it is acceptable to hurt and that he doesn't have to be 'macho'.

I guess I believe in this because I've felt that, I've felt less equal to a guy and I know that it sucks, which means I don't want anyone to feel like that whether they're male or female.

I want everyone to feel as if they deserve better, I don't want it to be acceptable for a man to be dismissed if he has been attacked. I don't want No to mean 'Convince me' no matter what gender. However I can only come at this from my point of view.

As a student I like to go out and socialise, and there is always at least one creepy guy in the bar, and grabbing a girls arm is probably not going to convince her and if she says no she means it and is not playing hard to get. I've also seen guys accosted by women, not all guys are going out just to attract a girl, they are probably going out to enjoy themselves.

Feminism is often seen as being biased and essentially complaining but is it too much to ask that everyone is treated the same. If a guy is treated like a slave why should he treat his partner like they deserve the world. Feminism is more than wanting women to be treated better, it is not an excuse for us to be treated better than men. Things should be equal whether that is promotions, wages, prison sentences or punishments or just life in general.

I'm not asking to be saved, I'm not asking to be treated any better, I just want every one to be treated like a human being.

The Past, The Present and The Future

Recently some people have got a little confused between what is in the past, the present and what will be in the future. So I thought I would just clarify it.

The Past

A few years ago I will admit I was a person I couldn't be proud of, I was weak no matter how much I tried to be strong. That's okay though. It wasn't the right time, the right place or the right people. Then again there are 2 past versions of myself. There is the broken girl who had her world crumble, and she just didn't know how to build it up, I couldn't find the voice I had before that. However before her was a 'gobby, happy little girl' my family have videos of me just dancing and twirling and singing where I could, they have pictures of me in costume for school productions or whatever. I guess the main period of time that changed was the ages of 11-13 when I did a complete 180. I was completely different which brings me to the present.

The Present

I am 19 going on 20. I am both an introvert and an extrovert, I guess both those people combined themselves. I can retract me and put those walls back up until I'm in Rapunzel's tower. I can also be the girl screaming at a concert, singing into her hair brush, dancing around her room. Thankfully that is slowly becoming the person, thankfully the toxicity that once filled my life is disappearing, I am not scared to stand up for what I believe, or to voice my opinion, or wear whatever I like (Thankfully that isn't neon fishnet gloves any more). Things change as do people. However although my behaviour may change that doesn't mean my morals do.

The Future

I don't have a crystal ball so forgive me if in 10 years time this isn't right but if its anything like the last 5 years then everything will be okay. If I continue to stand strong, I continue to fight for what I believe in, I continue not accepting any less than I deserve. Well then life should be pretty good. 10 years ago I was 9 going on 10. I was living freely obsessed with a side ponytail and I was quite happily just jumping on my trampoline my biggest life choice was if I used an orange or red crayon whilst listening to The Black Eyed Peas.

I can completley understand people using someones past to make judgements and that is fine but don't throw their mistakes in their face. Don't hold it against them. Don't think that the person they once were is an accurate description of who and where they are now. I have changed so much, I acceptt my past, I accept people are aware of the mistakes I've made but if you want to tell me I'm still the same person I was at 12 as I am at 19, then please don't expect me to welcome you into my life. People say we only except what we think we deserve, well I've learnt that I deserve more than toxicity, more than judgemental people who are simply going to remind me of how bad things used to be, who try to fit me in that box and stay in that box, probably just to make themselves feel better about themselves. Thats not cool, I don't want that in my life. I am not ashamed of the person I was nor am I proud but I accept that person, just as I accept the person I am now and hopefully the person I become.