I Am...

I found a Tumblr post on twitter, it was signed of as -Fears (via Iairwite) but I can't find the original post. It was from the perspective of a girl/woman at different ages and upon reflection it gave me some inspiration, so I decided to write my own version.

I am 6 years old

I get pushed over by a boy at school

They tell me it's his way of showing he likes me

What they don't say is the age where

society no longer thinks this acceptable

The age society begins to frown upon love being violent

I am 13 years old 

I go to school with a full face of make up

When someone see's me they ask my mother

'You let her go like that'

Whilst their comment may seem judgemental

The next is said out of fear

'She looks a lot older'

I am 14 years old

I've started coming home later

My mum always tells me to let her know when I'll be home 

Its always followed by 'Please let me know if you're late'

If I forget she becomes filled with fear

She see's it on the news all the time

She knows it only takes a moment

I am 15 years old 

I am bombarded with sex,

With comments about my look

Catcalling and wolf whistles that make me feel sick

When I tell a guy 'I don't want to', I'm not interested'

Or even the word 'No' his reply is simple

'I like a girl who plays hard to get

His comment and actions fill me with distrust

I am interrogated about the clothes I wore

What I did to lead him on

I am 16 years old

That means I am no longer 'Jail Bair'

I am legal, I am now a prize that can be won,

A prize that now has no consequences

Now I am 16 grown men wolf whistle, they ogle me

It doesn't matter to them that I am half their age.

It doesn't matter to them how it makes me feel.

I am 17 years old

I am at a house party

My drink gets spiked and I can't stand

My friends think I'm too drunk

They loathe having to take care of me

I'm told I embarrassed myself

I am told I should stop drinking to much

I am 18 years old

Me and my friends like to drink

To go out, to wear make up and nice cloths

But that means we are objects

It makes it acceptable for men to grope us

For them not to stop even when we ask

So we try to move away

A fun night turns into being followed

A time where everyone has to be each others protector

Because the men that grope us, follow us they just won't leave us alone.

I am 21 and now I understand;

Why my mother worried

The endless 'Please let me know your safe'

Why time after time I was told don't leave your friends

Don't leave your drink unattended

And don't take lifts from strangers

I know now why she had sleepless nights even as I grew up

Why she wished I 'would stop growing up'

I understand why my friends were worried about the man talking to me at the bar

Why they would closely watch his actions

I understand why we walk in groups

I now understand that the world is unsafe

I know what my mother has known all along

But she can't remove the people who think its ok

And although she tried to protect me the best she could

This world is still a battlefield

Filled with disrespect and judgement

A world filled with fear and vulnerability

And unless the world changes it will continue

And any children I have will worry about just that bit more

Because I know now just how evil and scary this world can be

If I have a son society will say 'Boys will be boys'

Although I'll try and raise him the best I can

I can't change the fact society will expect him to act the same way

The exact same way those men made me feel

And if anyone makes him feel the way I have,

If he complains about someone making him feel uncomfortable

He will be told to 'Man up'

And if I have a daughter

She will be raised in a hypocritical and condescending world

If she turns down a guy she will be subjected to questioning

Because a girl can't simply say No

She will be branded a liar if she says she's in a relationship

Even if its true.

I understand we live in a world of blaming, judgement, fear and vulnerability. I understand that there is to much hunger for power and to much ignorance for this world to be a safe place. When I say I was born in the wrong decade, I don't wish to rewind, I wish to fast forward to a time of equality and respect.

Rollercoaster

Life has been a rollercoaster recently, I got my offer from one of the worlds leading universities for my next degree, yay!

However, my depression has also been bad recently, theres been times when its felt like someone is squeezing my heart. Its like in Once Upon a Time, when the Evil Queen is squeezing peoples hearts just before she crushes them, its like that constantly. I've reached out for help, as much as I've tried to avoid it over the years, tried to muddle through. I knew it was better than struggling, like I have been.

I have also learned another very important lesson, I need to be selfish, I need to look after myself and my health (including my mental health) and make it a priority. In the past I have prioritised things before my health (education, other commitments etc), but I have realised that if I am not well in myself I won't perform my best. 

Therefore, in order for me to be and do my best I just have to do whatever that means, if thats letting a few people down now and then because of a seizure or panic attack or my depression is over whelming me, thats got to be okay. I don't want to keep prioritising other things and suffering myself which in the longer term will only make the situation as a whole worse, and just end up being a vicious circle.

Thankfully, I had a meeting at uni today to sort some of the stuff out, hopefully this will reduce some of the stress, depression and anxiety. I feel like I should of done it sooner, like in first year instead of waiting this long, but I didn't think I needed and after past experiences I didn't feel like I could trust someone in that position again.

Hopefully the rest of 2017 will be kinder, more gentle.

What I Got For Xmas 2016/London Haul

So I decided instead of doing two separate blogs I would simply combine them into one post. I also decided it would take far too long to take individual photos of everything I got/brought. Therefore since theres a few things I've brought myself from London or wherever I will put a * next to the item if I brought the item myself. Also I tried to write about or at least list everything but it was so long so I've shortened it.

1. MacBook Air

 Whilst this was my main Xmas present from my Mum, Nan and Uncle I also contributed money towards this as my family are working class and don't earn a lot of money. Yes I could have brought a different/cheaper laptop but this one was best suited to my needs.

2. Toni and Guy Straighteners

My good pair of straighteners are slowly breaking so I decided to replace them with the Toni and Guy fluid metal straighteners, these are perfect for travelling as they come with a travel case and a heatproof mat. Also they have really pretty plates.

3. Real Techniques Bold Metals Brushes

I wanted them because I can never have enough make up brushes and they're pretty and I love the Real Techniques I already own.

4. Make Up Organisers

Essentially I don't have a lot of storage space at uni and I was looking into little boxes or something to store my make up in, however I am really fussy and couldn't find ones I liked enough or cheap enough. So my mum decided to buy me clear, acrylic make up storage to keep my make up in.

5. Make Up Sponges

I got a Real Techniques Miracle Complexion sponge and a generic sponge, I do get through sponges so quickly, however amazingly I have never had a Real Techniques sponge.

6. Mermaid Blanket

I am cold blooded and I love mermaids so what better to buy me than a blanket shaped as a mermaids tail, and in the same/as close to Ariel's tail.

7. Ariel Soft Doll

Sticking with the Ariel/Little Mermaid theme my lovely nan also got me the Ariel doll in the pink dress. I've been after this since April and it only recently came into my local Disney Store, I wanted this specific one because for prom 4 years ago I decided to DisneyBound as Ariel in her pink dress.

8. Ariel Mug

I fell in love with this Ariel mug in London, so my mum got it me as a stocking filler, its also a pearlescent turquoise colour inside and shaped more like a teacup than a mug.

9. Ariel Bath Fizzers and Face Cloth

10. Mermaid and Fairy Bath Fizzers

I've never seen these before but essentially you put them in the bath and they fizz away and once they've disappeared you get a mermaid or fairy (depending on which one you get). I can not wait to try these out and see what they smell like.

11. Zoella Lazy Days Reed Diffuser

I love this scent, however I'm not allowed candles at my flat at uni so a reed diffuser seemed the perfect solution.

12. Zoella Lazy Days Gift Set

I love this scent, candles and socks so this seemed like the perfect combination

13. Zoella Stationary Gift Set

This set is full of sticky notes, comes in a hard, solid case, in a gorgeous design and is small enough to fit in a handbag, or not take up to much room on my desk.

14. Zoella 'These 3 Beauties' Make Up Bags*

I am always looking for or buying bags like these, I love the design so when I spotted them on sale I just couldn't resist.

15. Ted Baker Sweet Treat Duo

I love Ted Baker scents, they're handbag sized, never too strong but long lasting and when someone gave me the Mia and Polly set I was overjoyed.

16. Ted Baker Mini Trio Sprays

Unlike the Mia and Polly set these bottles are made out of plastic, this along with their size makes them perfect to throw in your handbag. 

17. Ted Baker Bag*

I got this bag in London, I've been looking for a good, solid, large black bag for a while. I love my other 2 Ted bags so the choice for this one was pretty easy. At first I was unsure of the gold hard ware because I'm not a big gold type of person, I definitely prefer rose gold, silver or copper. However I am completely over that and love my new bag.

18. Marc Jacobs Daisy Dream

This is the perfume that every time I pass it on a counter or whatever I just have to smell it, its long lasting, smells heavenly and comes in the most beautiful bottle. I was lucky enough to get the 100ml bottle so this should last me a while.

19. Soap and Glory 'The Whole Glam Lot'

This tin is full of goodies from face wash, to mascara and even hand sanitiser. The tin is shaped like a suitcase and can definitely be used time and time again even after the products are long gone.

20. Soap and Glory 'Fame and For Tune'

Not only does it have a variety of minis in it, this tin plays music. I have used this to bug my family. It has miniatures from its original and Sugar Crush collections.

21. Soap and Glory 'Pink Twice'

Mini/Handbag size hand and foot creams, the hand cream will come in extremely useful as I am constantly using hand sanitiser throughout the day. This unfortunately leaves them dry if I don't use hand cream.

22. Lush

I got most of the Lush Xmas Collection of my family (there's some products I can't use because I'm allergic to certain ingredients) including some new ones to try and some of my trusty favourites. I also got some things from the Oxford Street store including bath oils and the Golden Summers bath fizzer.

23. Tsum Tsums*

I got the Dumbo, Flounder and Dory bags, as well as other Tsum Tsums including the Christmas Collection, these additions take my collection up to 177 Tsum Tsums. Some of the Tsum Tsums I brought myself others were stocking fillers.

24. Now Thats What I Call Disney

Because you can never have enough Disney music in your life.

25. Tragus Bars and Nose Studs

I'm always losing nose studs, they just fall out without me noticing and I don't have a spare triages bar.

26. Chocolate/Drinks/Sweets

27. Pandora Love and Guidance Charm

I got the charm placed on a necklace, the chain wasn't as long as I expected it to be, however I am still in love with it.

28. Clothes*/PJ's/Fluffy Socks/Socks/Slippers

*Most of the Clothes I brought from London and include the rose sweatshirt, Burgundy roll neck, jeans and playsuit

29. Elephants

I love elephants so I got brought a variety of little elephant things from a jewellery/ring holder to a little Xmas Dumbo.

30. Microwave Warmers

I got a Unicorn and a Pug microwavable warmer, essentially its a microwave friendly teddy that acts similar to a hot water bottle.

As for the other things I brought in London it was mainly the Ted Baker bag, Cath Kidston x Disney overnight bag in the Mickey in London Print and the Naked 2 palette. I hope everyone got what they wanted, I was definitely spoilt but my family also have the habit of buying little things all year round. Its also not the money that counts, Christmas should be about spending time with those you love and care for.

Dear Ex

I saw a video called 'A letter to all the boys I loved' by Alexa Losey and it made me reflect on the ex's I thought I loved, thought loved me and those in between.

Dear Number 1,

You were my first everything. I thought you were good at one but I quickly learned you were just there for 1 reason. It was too late after that, you made me insecure about my body, its been so long now and those insecurities are still now. I hope you've learnt, I hope you've changed. However, your no longer a painful memory, your a lesson.

Dear Number 2,

Do you remember how you told me you were embarrassed to be seen with me without make up? I was so young and vulnerable. For years I wouldn't leave the house without a full face of make up, even if I was just going food shopping. I still can't go to uni without it, I'd rather be late.I thought you loved me for a while, yet you tried to control me. That isn't love, there's a difference between control and protective. I hope you never do that to anyone else, I hope it never happens to someone you love.

Dear Number 3, 

I was your one, I was your future. Those are some of the lies you told me. Like the time you couldn't see me because you were injured, you were just with another girl. Full of excuses. When I finally found the courage and finally listened to those around me and ended it, you tried to make me feel bad. You were so heartbroken, you were just sorry you got caught, that I wasn't being strung along. Your still with her, I hope the reminder of me reminds her that I had what she dreams of. That you can quite easily break her heart just as easily as you did mine.

To those in between and after. Most of you were one of the reasons I became broken and lost. The once bubbly girl I was, slowly disappeared. I was 'boring' so for a while I tried to be the life of the party, 24/7. I began to drink, way before I should. You never thought that your actions could have consequences. That cheating on me would lead to my trust in people would slowly decrease and my walls would grow higher and higher. Some of you have tried to contact me, but that door is shut, locked and the key has been thrown away. You can't take the good when you've not stayed for or caused the bad.

I'm still guarded but non of you will make me bitter. I won't wish you harm, I don't want what you did to me happen to you or someone you love. I won't stalk you or your girl, I won't try and become her. I will simply remember that I don't deserve to be treated like dirt. So I guess it should be Dear Number X thank you. You made me learn quickly.

Busy Little Bee

I won't lie to you, one of the reason's I love this blog is that it reminds me I haven't just wasted my life away and I have done things.

I have been on a protest (they call it demo, but we all know what it is), in London. I marched 2.4 miles, in the cold, surrounded by idiots telling me 'Students are protesting', and a leprechaun, who was predicting WW3. Other than that it was cool, I felt like I could tick something off my bucket list that I didn't know was on there. If that makes sense.

I got into the festive spirit some more, I had some Costa's hot chocolates (because I'm just not a coffee fan), I went to see the Christmas Lights and the Christmas Market.

I've had deadlines (I'm already done with 3rd year and term 1 isn't even over yet.) I've also been really drained, I don't know why but my body has needed a lot of TLC and has just been feeling so run down, so there have been days where I have had to congratulate myself for just being alive at the end.

I also feel like adult life is time consuming, and pretty soon you run out of time and you need an extra 10 or so hours in the day.

And my life is still going to be just as busy over the next few weeks and even over Christmas break. However, I am going to try and get myself in a routine ready for Christmas break, plus I'm hoping that might give my body a little break. 

When I say busy, I mean I'm going to London twice, in the next 20 days. In just under 2 weeks I'll be going to London for a little Christmas break/shopping/splurge. I will lose control of my spending which is why I am taking cash because then I won't go into money I need for things like food. 

Then a few days after that I have an interview for the postgraduate course I applied for in 19 days. 

I also have my final deadline in 166 days, which doesn't sound that close but I know its going to go by so quickly, so I need to focus on work, as much as I can, because I have the attention span of a goldfish. 

However, hopefully since I'm doing some more exciting things I can have some free time and I can blog and stuff. Plus I'm getting a nice, new, working laptop for Christmas (because this one is terrible, I would happily smash it to pieces with a bat), so it will give me an excuse to try it out.

Honesty

Honesty. It’s a funny thing, most of us pride ourselves on being an honest person, but yet where not completely honest all of the time. I like to think of myself as honest but then there are times when I’m stopped, not by anybody else but by myself, whether that is subconscious or not.

I can’t tell the guy I like just how amazing he is because I’m so scared I’m going to make a mess of it. I can’t even sign my name on this blog. This wonderful, little world I’ve created by and primarily for myself. As soon as I realised that this blog was getting bigger I decided to make it an anon blog because I was/am scared of people’s reactions. I am scared people who already know it’s me are biased when they praise me and scared of being so vulnerable. I guess I was vulnerable for so long, I was like an open wound, just left there to hurt and people took advantage of that or tried their best to make it work.

I want to change that, I want to overcome my anxiety and the deep rooted fear that being honest will leave me open and vulnerable. There’s times I wish I could be the drunk version of me all the time, so careful and so carefree all at the same time. The best of both worlds, she’s not perfect but she reminds me so much of the confident person I once was.

I’ve written some pretty honest blog posts before but I’ve also held back, I’ve never really discussed the amount of battles I’ve faced or how many demons I’ve fought and the one’s I have, they haven’t been as detailed as they could.

I am a survivor. I have a story to tell and I should be screaming it from the rooftops, making sure that the pain and suffering I had to endure can be used for good.

I hold back from telling people my dreams, I stop myself because if I say it to others then what happens if it never happens. What if I can’t find love, or have my own little family? Honesty makes people vulnerable and that’s the bit I can’t deal with, I can’t deal with the lack of control, the openness. The fact that it means all your emotions, hopes and dreams are being handed over on a plate for someone to decide whether they’re going to enjoy the meal or throw it into the trash.

I understand that everything good worth having makes you vulnerable, scared, amazed and hopeful all at the same time. I know I need to deal with my fears and just take a leap of faith because I'm not sure whats more scary, letting someone know just how amazing I think they are or looking back and wondering about what could have been.

Uni Update

So I have moved into my new flat, while I was writing the last post I got my results and I passed. I have my timetable for 3rd year and I start in just over a week.

When I think that 2 years ago I was this excited fresher, ready to start a new adventure and now I'm having to think about a Research Project and life after uni is startling. It feels such a short while ago and yet at the same time it also doesn't feel like in around a year I will be a graduate.

The people I disliked last year have gone, I am aiming to become more organised (again). I am determined to make this year mine, even if I do have the tutor I dislike. So I'm going to make some goals for third year.

Stay Organised - I usually start of organised, and then dwindle into 'I'll do that later.' etc. Then get myself in a mess/panic and it all spirals out of control.

Take More Control - I had a few issues last year where people essentially just decided to take the mick. Even if I tried to stop it they would still continue. 

Go Out In Style - I want my last year to be the best. I want this to be THE year. The one where I rock it, I become the person I want to be, I have grown so much in the 2 years. Most people especially those close to me can see how much I've changed and tell me how far I've come, but its still not quite enough. So I will push myself and I will be able to look back and be able to say I did it the best way possible.

Of course I want a good grade and I want to go and pursue the dreams I have for after my time here but life isn't always about letters and numbers on a piece of paper.