Dear Ex

I saw a video called 'A letter to all the boys I loved' by Alexa Losey and it made me reflect on the ex's I thought I loved, thought loved me and those in between.

Dear Number 1,

You were my first everything. I thought you were good at one but I quickly learned you were just there for 1 reason. It was too late after that, you made me insecure about my body, its been so long now and those insecurities are still now. I hope you've learnt, I hope you've changed. However, your no longer a painful memory, your a lesson.

Dear Number 2,

Do you remember how you told me you were embarrassed to be seen with me without make up? I was so young and vulnerable. For years I wouldn't leave the house without a full face of make up, even if I was just going food shopping. I still can't go to uni without it, I'd rather be late.I thought you loved me for a while, yet you tried to control me. That isn't love, there's a difference between control and protective. I hope you never do that to anyone else, I hope it never happens to someone you love.

Dear Number 3, 

I was your one, I was your future. Those are some of the lies you told me. Like the time you couldn't see me because you were injured, you were just with another girl. Full of excuses. When I finally found the courage and finally listened to those around me and ended it, you tried to make me feel bad. You were so heartbroken, you were just sorry you got caught, that I wasn't being strung along. Your still with her, I hope the reminder of me reminds her that I had what she dreams of. That you can quite easily break her heart just as easily as you did mine.

To those in between and after. Most of you were one of the reasons I became broken and lost. The once bubbly girl I was, slowly disappeared. I was 'boring' so for a while I tried to be the life of the party, 24/7. I began to drink, way before I should. You never thought that your actions could have consequences. That cheating on me would lead to my trust in people would slowly decrease and my walls would grow higher and higher. Some of you have tried to contact me, but that door is shut, locked and the key has been thrown away. You can't take the good when you've not stayed for or caused the bad.

I'm still guarded but non of you will make me bitter. I won't wish you harm, I don't want what you did to me happen to you or someone you love. I won't stalk you or your girl, I won't try and become her. I will simply remember that I don't deserve to be treated like dirt. So I guess it should be Dear Number X thank you. You made me learn quickly.

Busy Little Bee

I won't lie to you, one of the reason's I love this blog is that it reminds me I haven't just wasted my life away and I have done things.

I have been on a protest (they call it demo, but we all know what it is), in London. I marched 2.4 miles, in the cold, surrounded by idiots telling me 'Students are protesting', and a leprechaun, who was predicting WW3. Other than that it was cool, I felt like I could tick something off my bucket list that I didn't know was on there. If that makes sense.

I got into the festive spirit some more, I had some Costa's hot chocolates (because I'm just not a coffee fan), I went to see the Christmas Lights and the Christmas Market.

I've had deadlines (I'm already done with 3rd year and term 1 isn't even over yet.) I've also been really drained, I don't know why but my body has needed a lot of TLC and has just been feeling so run down, so there have been days where I have had to congratulate myself for just being alive at the end.

I also feel like adult life is time consuming, and pretty soon you run out of time and you need an extra 10 or so hours in the day.

And my life is still going to be just as busy over the next few weeks and even over Christmas break. However, I am going to try and get myself in a routine ready for Christmas break, plus I'm hoping that might give my body a little break. 

When I say busy, I mean I'm going to London twice, in the next 20 days. In just under 2 weeks I'll be going to London for a little Christmas break/shopping/splurge. I will lose control of my spending which is why I am taking cash because then I won't go into money I need for things like food. 

Then a few days after that I have an interview for the postgraduate course I applied for in 19 days. 

I also have my final deadline in 166 days, which doesn't sound that close but I know its going to go by so quickly, so I need to focus on work, as much as I can, because I have the attention span of a goldfish. 

However, hopefully since I'm doing some more exciting things I can have some free time and I can blog and stuff. Plus I'm getting a nice, new, working laptop for Christmas (because this one is terrible, I would happily smash it to pieces with a bat), so it will give me an excuse to try it out.

Honesty

Honesty. It’s a funny thing, most of us pride ourselves on being an honest person, but yet where not completely honest all of the time. I like to think of myself as honest but then there are times when I’m stopped, not by anybody else but by myself, whether that is subconscious or not.

I can’t tell the guy I like just how amazing he is because I’m so scared I’m going to make a mess of it. I can’t even sign my name on this blog. This wonderful, little world I’ve created by and primarily for myself. As soon as I realised that this blog was getting bigger I decided to make it an anon blog because I was/am scared of people’s reactions. I am scared people who already know it’s me are biased when they praise me and scared of being so vulnerable. I guess I was vulnerable for so long, I was like an open wound, just left there to hurt and people took advantage of that or tried their best to make it work.

I want to change that, I want to overcome my anxiety and the deep rooted fear that being honest will leave me open and vulnerable. There’s times I wish I could be the drunk version of me all the time, so careful and so carefree all at the same time. The best of both worlds, she’s not perfect but she reminds me so much of the confident person I once was.

I’ve written some pretty honest blog posts before but I’ve also held back, I’ve never really discussed the amount of battles I’ve faced or how many demons I’ve fought and the one’s I have, they haven’t been as detailed as they could.

I am a survivor. I have a story to tell and I should be screaming it from the rooftops, making sure that the pain and suffering I had to endure can be used for good.

I hold back from telling people my dreams, I stop myself because if I say it to others then what happens if it never happens. What if I can’t find love, or have my own little family? Honesty makes people vulnerable and that’s the bit I can’t deal with, I can’t deal with the lack of control, the openness. The fact that it means all your emotions, hopes and dreams are being handed over on a plate for someone to decide whether they’re going to enjoy the meal or throw it into the trash.

I understand that everything good worth having makes you vulnerable, scared, amazed and hopeful all at the same time. I know I need to deal with my fears and just take a leap of faith because I'm not sure whats more scary, letting someone know just how amazing I think they are or looking back and wondering about what could have been.

Uni Update

So I have moved into my new flat, while I was writing the last post I got my results and I passed. I have my timetable for 3rd year and I start in just over a week.

When I think that 2 years ago I was this excited fresher, ready to start a new adventure and now I'm having to think about a Research Project and life after uni is startling. It feels such a short while ago and yet at the same time it also doesn't feel like in around a year I will be a graduate.

The people I disliked last year have gone, I am aiming to become more organised (again). I am determined to make this year mine, even if I do have the tutor I dislike. So I'm going to make some goals for third year.

Stay Organised - I usually start of organised, and then dwindle into 'I'll do that later.' etc. Then get myself in a mess/panic and it all spirals out of control.

Take More Control - I had a few issues last year where people essentially just decided to take the mick. Even if I tried to stop it they would still continue. 

Go Out In Style - I want my last year to be the best. I want this to be THE year. The one where I rock it, I become the person I want to be, I have grown so much in the 2 years. Most people especially those close to me can see how much I've changed and tell me how far I've come, but its still not quite enough. So I will push myself and I will be able to look back and be able to say I did it the best way possible.

Of course I want a good grade and I want to go and pursue the dreams I have for after my time here but life isn't always about letters and numbers on a piece of paper.

Tag Tuesday: 108 Questions

So I've done as much prep and moving in as I can do for now, and I need a distraction since my results are due in 2 hours give or take. Therefore, I thought it might be a good idea to get back into 'Tag Tuesday'.

1) Are you really ready for 108 questions?

Yep

2) Was your last real relationship a mistake? 

Pretty much, I mean it made me happy for a while but,

it also made me miserable at times.

3) Who was your last relationship with?

 A guy I had a crush on for a long time,

shame it didn't live up to my expectations.

4) Who did you last say “I love you” to? 

Probably my nephews just before I left to go back to uni.

5) Do you regret it? 

Of course not.

6) Have you ever been depressed? 

Unfortunately yeah.

7) Are you a boy or girl?

Girl

8) Who is your best friend? 

The person who has been there no matter what,

I'd love to tell the world how amazing she is.

but I also don't want the world reading into her life. 

I chose blogging she didn't.

9) What is your relationship status?

Single

10) How do you want to die?

Peacefully, other than that I don't really know.

It's not something I've planned.

11) What did you last eat? 

Magic Stars.

12) Played any sports?

Only Burlesque, as a child I also did, gymnastics and karate for a while.

13) Do you bite your nails? 

When I don't have acrylics on, yeah. My mum has tried

everything, to get me to stop.

14) When was your last physical fight?

I can't remember, a long time ago,

so long that I was in school.

15) Do you have an attitude?

At times, but I also believe at times its necessary. 

16) Do you like someone?

I did but haven't seen them in a while, I could be seeing them soon,

so I guess we'll wait and see if I still feel the same.

17) What is your real name?

I don't feel like this is a first name basis, maybe by our third date.

19) Are you gonna get high later? 

No. I'm not about that life, each to their own, 

it's just not for me.

20) Do you hate anyone at the moment?

Hate's a strong word, I don't agree with some people, 

and I can find some people hard to tolerate but hate is a bit strong.

21) Do you miss someone?

Pretty much all the time.

 

22) Twirl or cut your spaghetti? 

Twirl...doesn't everybody twirl.

23) Do you tan a lot?

Call me 'Ghostie' I think it might be impossible for me to tan,

I tried fake tan and even then I'm still pale.

24) Have any pets?

Yes, they are my babies and I love them so much.

So much that I made my mum put my dog on Facetime instead of her.

25) How exactly are you feeling?

Content, yet reflective.

26) Ever eaten food in a car while someone or yourself is driving? 

Yep, in pretty much everyone's car that I've ever been in.

27) Ever made out in the bathroom?

Eww...germs, toilets..just no.

28) Would you take any of your exes back?

I'd rather have food poisoning or something.

29) Are you scared of spiders?

Yeah, all though I wasn't as a kid.

30) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

Maybe, I guess it depends on what time I'd be going back to.

31) Do you regret anything from your past? 

A lot. Some deep things and some not so deep stuff.

32) What are your plans for this?
I'll presume 'this' means The Little Daisy.  

So originally this was going to be a way I could show my interests to the world, like beauty and photography as well as document my life and voice my opinion. 

That didn't happen, well not the way I planned it. So I guess I could do that but I just want this to grow, not even in followers or readers but grow into something I can look back on and be proud of. Whatever that is.

33) Do you want to have kids? 

I always say this but it depends,

like I don't want to bring a child into a life it doesn't deserve.

 

34) Did you ever kiss someone whose name starts with an M?

Yes.

35) Do you type fast?

Sort of, but I used to type even faster, it also depends on what I'm doing/typing.

36) Do you have piercings? 

Yep and most of them are on one ear.

37) Want any more?

A couple more wouldn't hurt.

38) Can you spell well?

(Okay, I'll admit I first thought it meant the word 'well')

Not as well as I used to (I blame auto correct and Google).

39) Do you miss anyone from your past?

Yes.

40) What are you craving right now? 

Nothing really. I only ate a short while ago.

41) Ever been to a bonfire party?

Yep, mum used to have them at our house as a child.

43) Have you ever been on a horse? 

Yep

44) Kissed someone in a pick up truck?

No.

45) Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

I don't think so.

46) Have you ever been cheated on?

Yes. 

47) Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

Nope, not even happy tears.

49) Would you live with someone without marrying them?

Sure, its 2016 why not. 

50) What should you be doing?

Nothing, I should relax and use this time away from uni to relax but that won't happen until after my results go online.

*I interrupt this post because I got impatient and went to check my results to see if they got uploaded early and I PASSED!*

 

51) What’s irritating you right now?

Nothing...I'm on Cloud 9.

52) Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts? 

Yes.

53) Does somebody love you?

I'd like to think so,

unless you mean in a relationship way then probably not. 

54) What is your favourite colour?

At the moment, grey I think.

55) Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?

Nope, never.

 

57) Do you have trust issues?

Yes.

60. Do you have a good relationship with your parent(s)?

Most of the time, yes.

62) Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you?

Hopefully not.

63) Who was the last person you cried in front of?

My mum, I think.

64) Do you give out second chances too easily?

Sometimes.

 

65) Is it easier to forgive or forget?

Neither. They're both equally as difficult.

66) Is this year the best year of your life?

Hopefully.

67) What was your child nick name?

Sweet-Pea of my mum (my birth mother).

Munchkin and Pain.

68) Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

Nope and I don't intend to.

70) Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

When I'm the perky, happy, hopeful version of my self, yeah I do.

 

71) What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

Took my make up off/showered

(I like to take my make up off, shower then do it again).

73) What is bothering you?

Just a little issue with my timetable but that's it.

74) Have you ever been out of your state?

I don't live in the USA so we'll go with city, so yes.

75) Do you play the Wii?

Not any more.

76) Are you listening to music right now?

No I am watching Netflix

77) Do you like Chinese food?

Yes

78) Do you know your fathers birthday?

Yep, only because its 2 day's after my birds though.

79) Are you afraid of the dark?

Not really, walking alone in the dark yeah, but being in a dark room no.

80) Is cheating ever okay?

Never, just leave, in the end it causes a lot less pain and is less messy.

81) Are you mean?

I don't really like to think of myself as mean.

82) Can you keep white shoes clean?

Look I clean them, that's as much as I can do. On the plus side you can tell how loved my converse are.

84) Do you believe in true love?

Yes and no, I believe you still have to work at it,

you can't just give up at every hurdle.

 

88) Do you like the outside?

Yes.

 

89) Are you currently bored?

Nope, just happy.

90) Do you wanna get married?

Maybe.

91) Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

I don't know it depends on the situation and person its either cute or creepy.

 

92) Are you hungry?

No

93) Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight?

Eww and that's a bit too much information for the internet, no matter who answers.

 

94) What makes you happy?

Passing my exams, my nephews, elephants, autumn, London, shopping.

.

95) Would you change your name?

I used to dream about changing it but I don't know if I would now.

96) Ever been to Alaska?

No

98) Do you watch the news? 

Yes, occasionally.

99) What’s your zodiac sign? 

I'm on the cusp of Aries and Taurus.

100) Do you like Subway?

Yes!

101) Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

Yeah.

102) Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Don't have one, so I don't know.

103) Do you talk like your friends?

Yeah, well sometimes, it depends on the situation.

104) Have you ever seen someone you knew & purposely avoided them?

Yeah, especially back home.

105) Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? 

No.

106) Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

Probably someone at uni (well near uni).

107) Does it matter if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes?

Nope.

108) Can you count to one million?

Yep

I'm back...again!

Okay, so its been a while since I last posted, unfortunately when my uni results came in I failed a module (not spectacularly, only a few marks off which I think is more annoying/worse than getting 0). Therefore I had to focus on my resit, which was this week. 

However, even with failing that module my grade still improved from first year. The truth is, this year I wondered what I was doing at uni. Was it worth it? I've wondered whether I was good enough? Whether my dreams could be enough to keep me there, keep me motivated. I remembered and looked back at 16 year old me. I remembered how driven I was, how sure I was, the life I had and the life I wanted.

I knew my family would only want me to be happy, I am so lucky to have a supportive family. I met people at uni who said that they had a family who would be disappointed in them if they didn't go to or complete uni.

My mum will be the proudest parent at graduation, she already is, she doesn't know it all. She knows about the bullying, the death threats, the relapses, the self esteem issues, the things I gave up. Obviously she also knows about all of the health problems and most of the ones I could face.

She has hopes and dreams for me, but she wouldn't be upset if I didn't follow them. Of course she'd love to see me everyday/most days but knows I am restless, I have wings that are ready to fly and dreams that I wouldn't be able to achieve in my hometown.

I see my nephews growing up quickly, with wonder and curiosity in their eyes, the innocence and pureness of unbroken souls. I want to show them that they can do whatever they want, that if they dream big enough and work as hard as they can no hurdle will be to big. They're miracles and fighters. 

Haunted pasts don't have to define someone, I can do this, I can achieve my dreams, I can fight and I can win battles. Recovery is a daily struggle, simple things can trigger me, it took me so hard to not see everyday objects as ways to cope or as a comfort.

I miss the sassy, unbroken,hopeful person I once was. Life is full of hurdles, but this set back will only make victory even sweeter.

So here's to third year, the stresses, the highs, the memories and more importantly the final chapter of my journey at NTU.  

Tag Tuesday: A-Z of things I love

So I decided to do the A-Z tag of things I love for 'Tag Tuesday'.

A.

Autumn, it is the perfect in between its not extremely hot or cold, the fashion is so good and versatile. I love seeing the leaves change colours and it means the countdown to Christmas begins.

B.

Burlesque, it gave me so much confidence this year.

C.

Carbs, I tried the ketogenic diet to see if it would help my epilepsy, I didn't last a week before I gave in.

D.
Disney, it just makes me happy, no matter how old I am.

E.
Elephants. I'm slightly obsessed with them.

F.
Food, just food in general, I don't have a favourite.

G.

Going out, whether its shopping or simply going for a walk or picnic, I love just being out, unless its raining or cold.

H.
Hope, I have had depression for 8 nearly 9 years now so when I have hope or days of happiness it feels so good.

I.

Imagination, it has no limitation, it goes on forever and I guess that makes me happier, it has resulted in so many of my traits or interest like reading, writing and things such as films etc.

J.
Jokes, especially inside ones, those always feel more special.

K.

L.
London, I've said it before but I don't feel as anxious there and it just makes me happy.

M.
Make-up, it allows me to be creative and helps me to feel better.

N.
Nuggets, at the moment I may be a little obsessed, I don't have a favourite food but whether I have the chance I will have nuggets (battered not bread crumbs).

O.

P.
Pintrest, all my boards are private but I have so many boards, it is so good for inspiration or useful tips.

Q.
Quitting, I've realised, even more so recently that its okay to let things or people go that don't make you happy. If they're toxic or generally make you feel crumby then its okay to let them go and quit.

R.
Reality TV, it might be cringe but certain shows make me feel more content with my life and appearance. Its easy to watch which is perfect when you've had a stressful day.

S.
Shopping, which probably is one of the reasons I love London, it also was something I took into consideration when applying for uni.

T.
Ted Baker, I have a slight obsession its okay though.

U.

Unicorns, I don't even think I need to explain this.

V.
Vacations, even if its just to the local beach I just love exploring, seeing more than my home town.

W.
World Buffets, what is better than being able to eat Chinese food, pizza, sushi and dessert all at the same time. 

X.
Xmas, okay technically it should be spelt with a C, but its the same word and I love it. The food, the shopping, the music, giving gifts to the people I love it always feels so magical.

Y.
YouTube, like pinterest it has pretty much everything. It also allowed me to find a community of people who are lovely and kind and a result of that is that I now have some more amazing friends.

Z.
Zoo's I love animals and I get just as excited as the children who are there do. Especially with the elephants.

I want Tag Tuesday to be a fun, easy, and just something that lets me forget the stresses of life for a little moment.