I never asked for my secrets to be passed on like a game of Chinese whispers,
I never asked for people to say words that cut like knifes,
I never asked for death threats,
Yet by 12 I got them all.
I never asked to be pressured into things I didn't want to,
I never asked to be alone in a corner with him,
I certainly never asked him to kiss me,
And yet he did.
I didn't want or need part time friends,
I shouldn't have had to deal with such toxic relationships so young,
I didn't asked to be judged by the people who I thought would always be there for me,
I never asked for those things, but I got them,
I didn't want people to go out of their way to try and harm me,
I never wanted that to lead to anxiety or depression,
I didn't ask for some of the adults who had a
duty of care to let me down when I needed them,
But for those people I 'deserved' what I got.
I never thought I'd be addicted to a blade,
I never wanted to learn how to hide and heal cuts,
I never wanted to feel so low,
And at the time I couldn't decide whether or not I wanted to stop.
I never wanted wooded areas to remind me of trauma,
I wish the people around us had said something.
Entering wooded areas remind me of how in one second life can change,
I never asked him to touch me,
In fact I told him 'No' I made it clear not to touch me.
But he did.
I never wanted to be broken,
I never wanted to feel shame and disgust,
I never wanted to be damaged
But I am.
Because I am broken and damaged I have changed,
I am cautious of people, even those who want to be 'friends',
I panic if I can't see an exit,
I've not had a boyfriend since I was 15 because I don't know if he
caused to much damage.
I felt shame because I was made to believe everything I never asked for was my fault,
I was made to feel shame because I gave in to a boy,
all because I was too scared to say 'No'.
I was made to feel weak because I couldn't just quit,
I was made to feel ashamed because I 'misjudged' the situation,
because when I finally was strong enough to say 'No' I was
just 'playing hard to get and didn't mean it'.
But I did.
So now I'm broken, I'm cut up into tiny pieces,
and that might not have been my decision,
but it's my decision to choose to live and not simply survive.
