Dear Ex

I saw a video called 'A letter to all the boys I loved' by Alexa Losey and it made me reflect on the ex's I thought I loved, thought loved me and those in between.

Dear Number 1,

You were my first everything. I thought you were good at one but I quickly learned you were just there for 1 reason. It was too late after that, you made me insecure about my body, its been so long now and those insecurities are still now. I hope you've learnt, I hope you've changed. However, your no longer a painful memory, your a lesson.

Dear Number 2,

Do you remember how you told me you were embarrassed to be seen with me without make up? I was so young and vulnerable. For years I wouldn't leave the house without a full face of make up, even if I was just going food shopping. I still can't go to uni without it, I'd rather be late.I thought you loved me for a while, yet you tried to control me. That isn't love, there's a difference between control and protective. I hope you never do that to anyone else, I hope it never happens to someone you love.

Dear Number 3, 

I was your one, I was your future. Those are some of the lies you told me. Like the time you couldn't see me because you were injured, you were just with another girl. Full of excuses. When I finally found the courage and finally listened to those around me and ended it, you tried to make me feel bad. You were so heartbroken, you were just sorry you got caught, that I wasn't being strung along. Your still with her, I hope the reminder of me reminds her that I had what she dreams of. That you can quite easily break her heart just as easily as you did mine.

To those in between and after. Most of you were one of the reasons I became broken and lost. The once bubbly girl I was, slowly disappeared. I was 'boring' so for a while I tried to be the life of the party, 24/7. I began to drink, way before I should. You never thought that your actions could have consequences. That cheating on me would lead to my trust in people would slowly decrease and my walls would grow higher and higher. Some of you have tried to contact me, but that door is shut, locked and the key has been thrown away. You can't take the good when you've not stayed for or caused the bad.

I'm still guarded but non of you will make me bitter. I won't wish you harm, I don't want what you did to me happen to you or someone you love. I won't stalk you or your girl, I won't try and become her. I will simply remember that I don't deserve to be treated like dirt. So I guess it should be Dear Number X thank you. You made me learn quickly.