Dear Ex

I saw a video called 'A letter to all the boys I loved' by Alexa Losey and it made me reflect on the ex's I thought I loved, thought loved me and those in between.

Dear Number 1,

You were my first everything. I thought you were good at one but I quickly learned you were just there for 1 reason. It was too late after that, you made me insecure about my body, its been so long now and those insecurities are still now. I hope you've learnt, I hope you've changed. However, your no longer a painful memory, your a lesson.

Dear Number 2,

Do you remember how you told me you were embarrassed to be seen with me without make up? I was so young and vulnerable. For years I wouldn't leave the house without a full face of make up, even if I was just going food shopping. I still can't go to uni without it, I'd rather be late.I thought you loved me for a while, yet you tried to control me. That isn't love, there's a difference between control and protective. I hope you never do that to anyone else, I hope it never happens to someone you love.

Dear Number 3, 

I was your one, I was your future. Those are some of the lies you told me. Like the time you couldn't see me because you were injured, you were just with another girl. Full of excuses. When I finally found the courage and finally listened to those around me and ended it, you tried to make me feel bad. You were so heartbroken, you were just sorry you got caught, that I wasn't being strung along. Your still with her, I hope the reminder of me reminds her that I had what she dreams of. That you can quite easily break her heart just as easily as you did mine.

To those in between and after. Most of you were one of the reasons I became broken and lost. The once bubbly girl I was, slowly disappeared. I was 'boring' so for a while I tried to be the life of the party, 24/7. I began to drink, way before I should. You never thought that your actions could have consequences. That cheating on me would lead to my trust in people would slowly decrease and my walls would grow higher and higher. Some of you have tried to contact me, but that door is shut, locked and the key has been thrown away. You can't take the good when you've not stayed for or caused the bad.

I'm still guarded but non of you will make me bitter. I won't wish you harm, I don't want what you did to me happen to you or someone you love. I won't stalk you or your girl, I won't try and become her. I will simply remember that I don't deserve to be treated like dirt. So I guess it should be Dear Number X thank you. You made me learn quickly.

Busy Little Bee

I won't lie to you, one of the reason's I love this blog is that it reminds me I haven't just wasted my life away and I have done things.

I have been on a protest (they call it demo, but we all know what it is), in London. I marched 2.4 miles, in the cold, surrounded by idiots telling me 'Students are protesting', and a leprechaun, who was predicting WW3. Other than that it was cool, I felt like I could tick something off my bucket list that I didn't know was on there. If that makes sense.

I got into the festive spirit some more, I had some Costa's hot chocolates (because I'm just not a coffee fan), I went to see the Christmas Lights and the Christmas Market.

I've had deadlines (I'm already done with 3rd year and term 1 isn't even over yet.) I've also been really drained, I don't know why but my body has needed a lot of TLC and has just been feeling so run down, so there have been days where I have had to congratulate myself for just being alive at the end.

I also feel like adult life is time consuming, and pretty soon you run out of time and you need an extra 10 or so hours in the day.

And my life is still going to be just as busy over the next few weeks and even over Christmas break. However, I am going to try and get myself in a routine ready for Christmas break, plus I'm hoping that might give my body a little break. 

When I say busy, I mean I'm going to London twice, in the next 20 days. In just under 2 weeks I'll be going to London for a little Christmas break/shopping/splurge. I will lose control of my spending which is why I am taking cash because then I won't go into money I need for things like food. 

Then a few days after that I have an interview for the postgraduate course I applied for in 19 days. 

I also have my final deadline in 166 days, which doesn't sound that close but I know its going to go by so quickly, so I need to focus on work, as much as I can, because I have the attention span of a goldfish. 

However, hopefully since I'm doing some more exciting things I can have some free time and I can blog and stuff. Plus I'm getting a nice, new, working laptop for Christmas (because this one is terrible, I would happily smash it to pieces with a bat), so it will give me an excuse to try it out.