Honesty

Honesty. It’s a funny thing, most of us pride ourselves on being an honest person, but yet where not completely honest all of the time. I like to think of myself as honest but then there are times when I’m stopped, not by anybody else but by myself, whether that is subconscious or not.

I can’t tell the guy I like just how amazing he is because I’m so scared I’m going to make a mess of it. I can’t even sign my name on this blog. This wonderful, little world I’ve created by and primarily for myself. As soon as I realised that this blog was getting bigger I decided to make it an anon blog because I was/am scared of people’s reactions. I am scared people who already know it’s me are biased when they praise me and scared of being so vulnerable. I guess I was vulnerable for so long, I was like an open wound, just left there to hurt and people took advantage of that or tried their best to make it work.

I want to change that, I want to overcome my anxiety and the deep rooted fear that being honest will leave me open and vulnerable. There’s times I wish I could be the drunk version of me all the time, so careful and so carefree all at the same time. The best of both worlds, she’s not perfect but she reminds me so much of the confident person I once was.

I’ve written some pretty honest blog posts before but I’ve also held back, I’ve never really discussed the amount of battles I’ve faced or how many demons I’ve fought and the one’s I have, they haven’t been as detailed as they could.

I am a survivor. I have a story to tell and I should be screaming it from the rooftops, making sure that the pain and suffering I had to endure can be used for good.

I hold back from telling people my dreams, I stop myself because if I say it to others then what happens if it never happens. What if I can’t find love, or have my own little family? Honesty makes people vulnerable and that’s the bit I can’t deal with, I can’t deal with the lack of control, the openness. The fact that it means all your emotions, hopes and dreams are being handed over on a plate for someone to decide whether they’re going to enjoy the meal or throw it into the trash.

I understand that everything good worth having makes you vulnerable, scared, amazed and hopeful all at the same time. I know I need to deal with my fears and just take a leap of faith because I'm not sure whats more scary, letting someone know just how amazing I think they are or looking back and wondering about what could have been.