To My 15 Year Old Self

To my 15 year old self,

You're 16 soon and your entire world is changing, but don't worry you get what you want, that's not to say you didn't have help or work your backside off to get there though. You're so excited for prom, you have your dress. You're trying so hard with your recovery. You are doing amazing, the bad news is you slip up, the good news is in 1 weeks time we'll be 18 months into recovery.

You've left the alternative phase where you wear electric blue extensions, backcomb your hair to shreds and try and find the best black skinny jeans. You're also about to dye your hair dark red...this will take us 2 years to get out. 

You're trying to decide between doing A-Levels at College or sixth form, you decide sixth form and between year 11 and sixth form you have some amazing times, you make memories you will hold onto forever. You will hate sixth form (well some of it...) However, if you go to college, you won't race chairs in the IT room with your best friend or discover your love for The Great Gatsby (this will also be your 4th tattoo) not too mention the fact your sixth form floods on your final week. Although you have so many bad memories of school, which sadly we still can't forget, you can't forget the good, whether it is your Prom night or the informality of Year 11 flexi-fridays. At the end you'll be proud that you did it, against all of the odds. These memories still make us smile.

We're half way through our first year at Trent, your plans changed but you are happy. You never changed your mind from Trent, people tried to alter your opinion but from you always had your heart on Trent. Freshers week was amazing (apart from the anti bio-tics). 

Mansfield will always be your hometown but you're a city girl at heart (until you need your washing done), right now you're preparing for your GCSE's. You get what you want. Each results day you leave with a smile on your face. Right now you're so hopeful yet doubtful. You're excited for summer, having 3 months off seems so exciting but it goes by so quick and pretty soon you'll start sixth form with your girls right by your side.

But it won't always be a smooth road, you're still scared, still hurting, but you need to know that's normal. You miss the girl you used to be before, she's gone. You're trying to pretend your fine. You get angry so easy, you're broken and you're not letting anybody fix you. You're getting better though. It will stop eventually, I promise. You flinch and panic at so many things. We're trying to beat this now. You miss being on stage but you're so scared now. We have anxiety now, you're confidence is rising though. Unfortunately, it won't get much higher. You will have bad days and better ones. 

We're happy now though. We're getting better. You hope life will never change but know it will. We still hate change. We still panic if it changes last minute. You're so carefree and seem to forget the world is watching. You go to school in your black skirt and converse, you dance in the middle of the street next to a main road with your best friend and sing louder than a lions roar. Fits of laughter, the memories still bring a smile to our face. Everyone thinks you're barking mad and we still are but in that moment you were free, you let go. You saw hope. 

But even though you won't listen, and I'm still not sure whether I'd take your pain away because life's good now and I don't know where we'd be with out it, please remember:

• Its okay to let people in- they want to help you, they won't hurt you, I know you're so scared that they will, you've been hurt before and you're broken for it but you won't get fixed until you let that pain go. Stop running away. Face your fears. It will get better. It did.
• Grab hold of life- you're so scared of change, scared of slipping up, letting go of the act that everything's fine its making it worse. We remember the bad times and the good. Make the good ones outweigh the bad ones. Dance in the middle of the street. Wear the clothes you want. Get the piercing, that tattoo you've got, you'll get more and they will all represent something significant in your life. You're life is going to be full of memorable moments. Enjoy them now, not in 3 years time.
• Don't stop daydreaming- you're the girl that has random daydreams and spontaneous idea's, we still do, and that's got us here so far. You're good at them, you enjoy them carry on.
• Don't let anyone define you- You're vulnerable right now (although you won't admit to it), unfortunately you let people get in your head. Occasionally that can be good, but it can also be bad. Thankfully, you're already stubborn and independent (this stubbornness and independence will increase, don't fret). But people will put doubts into your head. Be very careful in Sixth Form. You're going to have some big decisions to make there, and people will try and sway you. Whether its their opinions on your body/image/style, this is your choice, as is the uni you attend.
• DON'T DYE YOUR HAIR RED- Yes you will look like the little mermaid at prom but this will take several attempts of bleaching it to get the redness out, this will leave your hair damaged and. Put the hair dye down.

But overall, you're doing good, you're beginning to care less about what others think and find your own path in this world, in about 7 months you will start your first part-time job, this will bring you so much happiness and show you what you really want in life. Enjoy it while it lasts, enjoy it all.

Stay Strong,

18 year old you