Healing Not Healed

In my 22, nearly 23 years of living life has dealt me some rubbish cards. In the last 10 years I have dealt with a lot and whenever you talk to someone, it could be anyone and I could be speaking about anything its 'How are you holding up?' 'I hope you're getting through/over it?', what I've realised in the past few months though is you never really get over it, over anything. They'll always be a reminder.

I'll never get over being bullied because I have anxiety due to that, and when I finally became a happy, confident, bubbly person again after years of trying to become that person, it was taken away again. Something/someone else happened and I became a recluse. I couldn't bare to see people and had to force myself to talk to people I'd known for years or even to go outside and face the day. 

I'll never stop grieving because I have all this love and it has nowhere to go and yes I'm thankful for the memories but when Mercedes was talking to Nana McQueen in Hollyoaks, I couldn't help but think 'What I would give for just one more day, one more conversation.' 

I'll never forget the hurtful, damaging comments my ex's said to me. I know they're not the truth but I will always carry them with me. I know I'm not dumb, I proved that when I got my degree. I don't value their opinion anymore, but they left their mark.

I may be strange but I don't think I'll ever be healed. It's like my heart and soul are a mirror, they've been shattered and although each time I've picked the pieces up and glued them back together the best I could, you can still see the cracks and the dried glue. 

I will never forget all of the tears, the breakdowns, the self harm. I will never forget the lows even when I'm at my highest. Only I will know how sorry I am for pushing people away when they were trying to be there for me, how confusing and painful all that was. But I will also not burden people with that because as a society we expect people to heal within a certain time.

If I said all those things, that I am still haunted just not as frequently, that I still think about pretty much one of those things each and every day I would be told 'But it was years ago.' or asked 'Aren't you over that yet, it was years ago?'. So I'll say 'I'm fine.' or 'Everything's OK.' and I know I will never be 'healed' and thats ok because all of those things are a part of who I am, not one single thing defines me, but if they hadn't happened, if they didn't leave me a little bit hurt or broken then I would not be the 22 year old girl that I am and on those good days I am fierce and I am proud of who I am and the choices I made and who I'm turning out to be. And that, that is all what matters. 

So here's to not being healed, for growing constantly, for wounds being open, for them serving as a reminder that pain exists and it won't always feel as bad as the initial hit. Heres to healing even if we'll never be healed.

2018 Favourites

I started this blog so I could have a place that I could write about things I loved and was passionate about and whilst I do use it for that I still don't discuss certain things like beauty, fashion, music or books. So I thought I would change that and to kick things off I'd write a post about things I've loved in 2018.

Film and TV

Mamma Mia Here We Go Again

Me and my mum went to see this at the cinema and I fell in love with it, the storyline, the costumes the soundtrack it all just fitted so well. Despite the fact some people got irate at plot holes in the story line such as the order Donna met the dad's, I thoroughly enjoyed it and would watch it time and time again.

Black Lightning

I only started watching this because my mum was watching it but I soon became hooked. I don't really enjoy watching things like this but the characters and the storyline was so catching.

13 Reasons Why

13RW is such a bizarre thing for me, like Hannah I suffered with/have depression, fortunately unlike Hannah my attempts were unsuccessful. For me its intriguing to think of what could've happened and it serves as a reminder of what I could've left behind and that no matter what they'll always be an element of devastation.

Casualty

This is something I only got into because I wanted something easy to follow on a Saturday night, I watched it on and off in the past. I started getting into it during the storyline of Alicia's rape. The storyline was written and executed amazingly. It explored taboo/untold topics of rape, how the victim may feel, how the attacker may react, how those around you could react. It has done other storylines incredibly well but this one got me hooked. If you're one for dipping in and out of things I'd definitely suggest casualty.

Food and Drink

Gin

More specifically flavoured gins. I'm not a massive drinker but I love flavoured gins like pink gin, lemon drizzle gin. They taste amazing and they also look pretty.

Cheese

I have consumed waaaayyy too much cheese over Christmas, including plum chutney cheese, gingerbread cheese, white chocolate and caramel cheese and I loved them all. Cheese is just heaven and involved in many of my favourite foods. I love it, I always have even if my skin doesn't.

Slimming World

Towards the end of 2018 I started Slimming World, I didn't join a group I figured it out by myself and had lost around 1 stone before Christmas. I love some of the meals, I love knowing whats going into my food and I love having a reason to buy new clothes. I also have a slight obsession, I've seen people suffer with illnesses and if theres anything I can do to make sure I'm the healthiest I could be then I'll give it a go.

Beauty

Urban Decay All Nighter

This has been my safety net for the whole of 2018. It kept my make up on and I felt refreshed whenever I sprayed my face with it despite it being one of the hottest summers the UK had experienced in years.

Disney Beauty

More specifically Mad Beauty and Primark's collaborations with Disney. I've loved face masks, false lashes, false nails. I even invested in some Disney Spectrum brushes. Disney and beauty are 2 of my favourite things so to have them combined is lovely.

Too Faced Better Than Sex Mascara

If I haven't been wearing mascara I've been wearing this, it was the first high end product I've repurchased and despite wearing it almost every single day it still lasted me longer than almost every other mascara I've tried. From the first use I had a wow moment as it made my lashes pop. Its also fairly easy to remove which is always a bonus.

Hair

Scrunchies

Need a way to quickly accessorise your hair, grab a scrunchie. Need something to tie your outfit together, grab a scrunchie. Want to tie your hair up, you guessed it grab a scrunchie. They're cheap and so versatile and also very nostalgic.

Argan Oil

As someone who bleaches her hair its obviously important to look after it and whilst shopping in the summer I found the perfect solution. Whilst browsing in Superdrug I noticed they had a 3 for 2 offer on hair products and since I was buying 2 things I thought I would try their 10 in 1 multipurpose pray and it makes my hair feel shiny and healthy. After years of using detangling spray on my knotty hairI I have found the perfect one in this spray it also helps that it smells good.

Fashion

Gym Leggings

Sssh, its a secret I have an obsession with these even if I don't go to the gym. They're comfortable and the perfect choice for a day of getting stuff done.

Borg Denim Jacket

This jacket is possibly one of the best purchases made in 2018. Its so versatile and warm, easy to put on as well as going perfectly with a pair of black jeans or skirt. 

Jumper Dresses

The perfect comfortable yet stylish outfit. I love switching them up and wearing them with tights and knee or thigh high boots as well as leggings and ankle boots for something a little bit more casual.

So there it is, a few of my favourite things from 2018. Hopefully 2019 will be full of more wonderful things.

Thank U, Next

After listening to Ariana Grande's 'Thank U, Next' and becoming a little bit obsessed with it I thought I would take inspiration for it and write my own 'Thank U's' to the people/things  that I'll be leaving in 2018.

Dick.

You fooled some people with your lies and cover, but you couldn't fool me. 5 months of hell   and digging the knife in wasn't enough for you. I think you even believed yourself at times but thats ok because you taught me that I can survive pretty much anything. You're not having anymore time or energy from me so 2018 is where you'll stay because I'm getting better not bitter.

Kent.

6 whole months. 6 months you strung me along to literally just stop. I gave you the benefit of the doubt but you liked control, you liked to feel you were better, to try and make me feel worse. You taught me something though and that was your mistake. You taught me that I know how I deserve to be treated, and what I want and you weren't/couldn't give me that. So thank you, thank you for making me realise how far I've come.

Mo.
You didn't do anything majorly wrong, you also tried to be there, but you were thoughtless and careless at a time when I was so fragile and for me that showed everything. It showed me that you weren't there because you wanted to be there for me more you needed me to be there for you.

I'm so grateful you three showed me your true colours and taught me things about myself. I'm so thankful there is a group bigger than these three of people who will/are no longer a part of my life. 

So 2018 thank you, next.

*Names have been changed.

Changes

I used to think my life was so repetitive, especially when I was younger, I had the same classes, same teachers, wore the same type of clothes/colours to school, had the same friends, some even from before nursery. Ate at pretty much the same time everyday, went for a walk at the same time everyday. It was mundane and boring. Even as I got to uni in the beginning I would stick to the same trusted favourites, favourite bars, favourite shops despite having so much more choice than before, but as I sit here now I realise how much can change in such a short while.

I never fully understood how they say your whole world can turn upside down in a moment. I got why people felt that but it had never happened to me. Everything always seemed to happen after having time to prepare. I had members of my family with cancer, it gave us time to prepare for their death. I knew when I hadn't done well on an exam or as well as I wanted and could prepare for that.

However I couldn't prepare for my Nan's death, she was seen by a doctor only 15 minutes before the ambulance was called, a friend had resuscitated her whilst the ambulance was on their way. I'd called from work to see how she was as we were waiting for the doctor. I didn't know I would drop out of uni until the day I sent that email. All within just under 6 months. Within 10 months things I never thought would happen did. I left a dream behind, I for once let go of education, something that brought so much pain but so much joy. I was putting myself and my health first. 

I felt so low, despite somethings being my decision. I was saddened it had come to this, I felt ashamed that I'd given up but relieved I wasn't going through the torture I felt for so long anymore. I wasn't a failure but I was full of 'What if's?' I finally began to smile but my confidence disappeared. In one week I began to fall out of love with my dream career, I began to smile again, feel relief and my health and mental health improved rapidly.

One person, one event can change everything, for better or worse. At the same time, one decision you make can change your life instantly. Leaving a toxic relationship, crossing the road when you see traffic running, going on that spontaneous trip, getting into someones car who's been drinking or starting that new diet.

Its important to be cautious with the decisions we make and try and make the best ones for us, even if its within a split second.

Life Update

It's been a while since I've done a life update on this blog. So here is a brief summary of whats happened;

1. I started a postgraduate course at university. This was to help me enter my dream career, a dream I've had since I was 15. The reason I was so determined to do everything I had done up to that point.
2. I lost my Nan. There's been 2 posts on that so you can read those for the impact of that.
3. I finished my first placement. As my course is work based I had to complete 120 days of placement that was split 40 days for Placement 1 and 80 for Placement 2. I fell in love with placement 1, it showed me and affirmed why I chose that career, I felt I could make a difference. I was on track, I was happy.
4. I started placement 2. I hated every second of it. I wanted to leave so many times. It got me down, I began to dread every day of placement, I considered giving up my dream, finding an alternative dream, but I stuck it out as much as I could. It had a detrimental impact on my health though.
5. I turned 22. I played Taylor Swift's 22 on repeat, spent too much money and it was a chance to let my hair down and de-stress.
6. I dropped out of my course. I'd completed the days but when your seizure control is decreasing, you're being demotivated, demoralised and someone else tells you if it was two school students it would be bullying. When someone has a power complex and is determined to make your life difficult, to be contradictory, its time to evaluate what is best. Leaving the course and re-starting is the best option for me. 

Thats it so far, the end of 2017 and 2018 has been ROUGH. Life is going to get better, I mean there has been the odd good thing but I'm too scared that vocalising them will only jinx it. However those events taught me: who's there for me, nobody should be treated the way I have been treated. I'm stronger than I thought, I've conquered so much, I'm still standing and I'm still fighting.

Grief Six Months On

Its six months since my Nan left us, so much has happened. We played Dani and Lizzy's 'Dancing in the Sky' for her, because everything is different, there is an emptiness. Theres questions. There's waves where it gets worse, where you think, she's missing all of this.

She never said goodbye, we had no idea. I've needed her so much these past six months, I've gone from having my life pretty sorted to having it thrown into the air. I've been used to coming in from wherever, going to see her everyday and her comforting me or just talking to me to nothing in an instant. I still remember little conversations.

When she left us, I promised I'd make her proud. I thought that meant graduating but it turns out it seems to be doing whats best for me. I've tried to live my best life. I've grown, I've done whats made me happy.

I never thought leaving university would be the best solution, I never thought I'd be in a situation again where every weekday I dreaded getting up or the person who counts the hours until finishing time. Who got that Monday dread but instead of it being a Sunday night it was Sunday to Thursday. That one place, one person could reduce my seizure control, have such a detrimental impact on my confidence and mental health.

I know she'd have hated seeing that, she always wanted me to be safe and happy. However, she would be happy to see me let go of my ghosts, to find amazing, supportive friends. That I stood my ground and by my beliefs, that I haven't lost myself like I have so many times. I've not relapsed. I took control as much as I could, I spoke up even if the people I spoke up to didn't do enough. I gave 100%.

Each day I still grieve because each day there's something to tell her, show her, or a memory to be made, but she will live on for the rest of my life. I have her spirit, her fight, her faith in love. I'll never stop telling stories of her, I'll be unapologetically me. I'll always rise above whatever obstacle I'm facing. That brings a little comfort. I'm not a religious person, but I believe in heaven and hell. I believe she's with my Grandad, they're finally reunited after too many years apart. That she's with me. She's watching over me. She can hear me talk to her. I just hope she passes that spirit on to the future generations.

I hope she helps me find a love like her and my Grandad had, that for the rest of my life I make her proud, I make her smile, I make her laugh but more importantly she knows how much I loved her, how much her death broke me but also made me.

Grief has taught me so much, its changed me, it will continue to change me, but I know it will make me stronger.

What Its Like Losing a Grandparent.

Losing my nan changed my life. For almost 3 months theres been a piece missing. At 21 I didn't expect to die or have someone around me die. It sounds silly but I just presumed whoever it was would be there. I am fully aware that it exists, its in the news, people I know have lost people close to them, and my nan wasn't the first family member I lost.

I had friends who lost grandparents, who had a vague idea that it was happening. I only had one grandparent, the others had died either whilst I was a baby/small child or my granddad died at a young age and so I never met him. I know people who've lost grandparents or relatives who they weren't close to, but after my nan passed, I re-evaluated everything. It seemed strange to me that someone could not be close or miss them, but thats because I saw or spoke to my nan every day, even when I left for uni. She is a part of almost every single childhood memory I have.

When she passed, I instantly grew up, in what felt like a second everything had changed. I had no warning, I went to work, she was ill but she was fine, I got off the bus to see paramedics speeding towards her house, I hadn't got the phone call but in me somewhere I just knew that it was for her, so I tried ringing home, I tried running. I eventually got there, whilst my family were worried (and I was as well) I just snapped into leader mode. I knew it was almost time for my nephews to pass on the way home from school, I knew their routine and that if something changed they'd question it and part of me hoped she'd be going in the ambulance and coming home in a car. When I got that phone call to say come up, I knew but part of me still had hope, part of me still hoped it wasn't real as we were taken to a private room to say goodbye. 

That night I called friends, family members all of who where in shock, all of which hoping she'd pull through until we got home to deliver the news. I guess in that moment I grew up not by choice but because I had to. I had gone to her for support my entire life, even if it was just for a moan, as a family we'd seen her deal with death to many times, we used to call her the expert. 

I was thankful for every small moment up until then, and although I didn't realise it at the time, I knew then. I was thankful my generation was 'obsessed' with documenting our lives and technology. That obsession allowed me to Skype or FaceTime my nan whilst I was at university, send photos and make sure she was part of my life regardless of distance. I could and keep photos and memories with me 24/7.

When she passed, she took a part of me with her, she took a piece of everyone she knew. She got to see so many things, and will see so much more watching over us. Whilst at uni I always knew my family came first but now I prioritise making memories, I try and worry less. I never understood grief until that day, I never understood what it was until the days, weeks and even now its been almost three months after. 

Grief is love with nowhere to go, and you expect the big things to get you, but its the little things. That night I had a vivid dream where I was talking to my nan at her kitchen table, I woke up thinking she was still here for a second until it hit me. Its going shopping and her not asking to see what I've brought or what I'd eaten in town. 

My nan prepared me and was there for most of the biggest adventures and biggest highs in my life, she waved me off to prom, she came to uni when I first moved into halls, she visited each flat, she was there waiting for me at her house after graduation. Yet the biggest loss and what seems to be the worst and biggest journey through life, she's not here guiding me, she couldn't prepare me for this, all I have is hope and little signs from her. I promised her I'd live a life she could watch and be proud of, I promised her through me she'd live on. Thats all I can do, I can't bring her back and the truth is she's probably happy, watching over with granddad, so making sure the life she see's is a good life that brings happiness and is something she can be proud of will be a new adventure. One she'll be there for even if its not physically.