Final Update : 20 Things To Do Before I Turn 20

So I turn 20 tomorrow, 2 decades old. I set myself 20 challenges and I didn't actively try in a way I just tried to gradually fix them day by day. Once I completed a challenge I decided not to stop there, and just continue.

I wanted to get out my comfort zone, and that has happened, I've walked home without having a little freak out at 4 am. Which is a lot better than making sure my mum or nan stay up until I come out of a gig so I can be on the phone and not get murdered. I am wearing clothes that last year I would've liked but wouldn't hSave worn because of people opinions.

I updated this last year saying I'd started a new sport, this helped me improve my health, my anxiety is slightly improving, whilst I was under my consultant before I never actually saw and after I didn't like the way I was treated by the nurse, I have now got an appointment with the consultant after her appalling behaviour. I'm eating more healthily and now have a Fitbit which tracks my sleep and can pick up on if I've had a seizure.

In terms of trying food I now like, Broccoli, Cauliflower, Brussels Sprouts where as a kid I would flat out refuse to eat them because they were 'disgusting'. Not sure if I ever actually tried them as a kid but still. However I don't like humus, I tried a bit of the lid and it went in the bin. I also saw the 5 new things relatively early into this.

Number 6 is a work in progress, I think it always will be. I can see I'm a better person than I used to be, and I can vaguely lower my walls. My skin is also a work in progress, I have started wearing a foundation with SPF and I think I've found some products that work for my skin, but that will probably change as usual.

My 5 lessons I've learnt; 

- 1. Some people are toxic, its okay to avoid these people.

- 2. I will always think the seaweed is greener in a different sea.

- 3. Love or true friendship is being able to tolerate and live with that person in harmony...I have not found these people.

- 4. I am restless and reckless, I'm not scared to do things I want to do even if things could turn bad (but not everything), I also don't like staying still, by that I have to move onto the next thing pretty quickly.

- 5. I do far to much thinking, like a lot, on the way to uni, it keeps me up at night as well.

As for writing, I've written essays, a little bit of the book, which I need to finish and start the next one. In terms of finishing what I started, in a literal sense of projects etc I haven't done that. In terms of old relationships people have tried to contact me. Those people are toxic to/for me so I cut it off once and for all.

Relaxing...binge watching Netflix of course, panicking about life, yes. However I have began to just not care, people's opinions don't matter as much to me now. I said I traced my family tree, I forgot the site, its all good.

Childhood memories; 

-Have a bad time with epilepsy and watch The Little Mermaid with Super Noodles and Sweetcorn - Check

- Have an EEG and MRI - Check

-Eat like a 3 year old - Obviously

-Watch old kids programmes...Yes

Letters...I wrote 1. I then realised my life was just normal and I'd probably remember it...I hope. Spend quality time with my family, going home and getting off the bus and having a 3 year old run up and hug you is such a good feeling. My family came down yesterday for my birthday. I've also managed to spend more time with my nan. However if I spend more than 2 weeks with them I want to escape from most of them and have my space back.

Confidence, that has improved, I still put myself down but that's okay I can work on that. Being happy. I've smiled. A Lot. I've laughed and socialised and its so good. I can be content just by going to make myself a cup of tea, in my flat, cuddled under my blanket.

Stand up for what I believe in, I've done that more, and more openly and hopefully without being abrupt. Smile, like I said I've done that, I've found more happiness (YAY!)

I've enjoyed my last year as a teenager, I've enjoyed dancing and laughing and the moments in between, it hasn't been perfect but nothing ever is.

Grown Up Stuff

It's occurred to me that I don't really deal with adult issues, or deep issues and even on here I keep things at a distance, trying not to put a barrier down. All I really do on here is rant or just put facts that pretty much anyone could guess. I still think that nobody is reading it and it's just me sat a computer just rambling and having a conversation with her. However by my stats its not, and its clearly not the people I know because 1) I don't know that many people and 2) I don't know anyone in some of the countries this is getting viewed in. 

I started this as just somewhere to vent and stuff but I have a voice on here. I have people willing to hear it and I'm not really using that opportunity very well. I'm not showing the real me. The real things that I worry or care about. 

I am 19. I am a student. I have fought...a lot, I am not confident, I can act, I can pretend I am but every actress eventually takes of her costume. I hate the fact that I can't tell someone 'I like you and you're pretty awesome' no matter how many people go 'You should tell him.' I have lost count of the things I'd change about myself and I like to pretend I am this cold hearted person so that nobody will want to get close and people won't hurt me. I hate that even though I begin to lose myself when I drink, this never really goes away. I won't go out without make up and that is one thing that scares me most, that someone will one day have to see me without it. Nobody knows all of me, nobody knows I am scared. Scared of being hurt, scared of losing the battles I face. Scared I'll never truly be happy, that everything in life will just go by me. I hate rejection, not just from guys but people in general, no in fact life in general. 

I tell other people things I should be telling myself 'Tell him you like him, what have you got to lose?' but even when other people tell me I push them off 'That guy is looking at you' he's not looking at me, he's looking at someone or something else but not me. Never me. If he talks to me I think he's joking, which can help in certain situations. I hate to feel trapped, I like having an escape route at all times. I like to feel in control. I like distractions, I like pretending these things aren't happening. Crowds help except they don't help the anxiety. 

I do have happy days though next to my desk is a photo board (it should be used for a calender and stuff but I've got better priorities). I look at them and I get sentimental. 

I have a photo there of my Nan and the Granddad I never got to meet, he died before any of his grandchildren were born, before any of his children were adults. The last 2 years he lived on half a heart but him and my Nan married when she was 19. He worked at the pit all of his working life and my Nan always tells me how no man can ever compare or what an amazing father, and that to me that's love, seeing someone talk about the way she talks about him, with love and loss in her eyes, making sure he stays alive in everyone else.

I have a lot of photo's of my nephews, who steal my phone to take selfie's or watch Netflix, or my eldest nephew's drawings from school. Photo's of London because that is my happy place, that is where my heart becomes 5 again and I just become free or the zoo to remind me of the job I loved (who doesn't love a job where you get to go to the zoo?).

Next to my bed are quotes from films or books that I can look at as I wake up in the morning, which is a lot prettier than a blank wall. I have days were all I do is put comfy clothes on and just watch films in my duvet with a cup of tea. I love that I get to live independently and unlock the door with the key to my flat. I love to write and have times where all I do is write segments of the book I try and write. I reminisce and that helps because old me was an idiot, well more of an idiot. 

I have rent to pay, food to buy and make, decisions that only implicate me and only I can make. I have doctors appointments and scans and I have to do them for me now, not because my mum makes me. I decided I wanted to step out my comfort zone and in a way I have, I just need to jump over those hurdles.

Life sucks but the guy who's looking your way may not be looking at that chair or the person behind you, he could be looking at you. That girl who compliments you on your outfit, is probably genuine. It's perfectly acceptable to blast Steps or My Chemical Romance, it is definitely acceptable to say 'No I deserve better' or just 'No'. I hate saying no, but as much as I love spending time with people there are some days where all I want is a book and a film. I don't particularly listen to other people very well either, if people have faith in me, its because they're pretending. Unfortunately that is because I let other people write my story for so long they're words just aren't becoming undone. 

I've wasted so much time bottling this version of me when I could of been using it to let people know that its fine, they're not alone. Nobody is and life can be suckish and dark and crumby but that doesn't matter You might come from a working class family but you can still make something of yourself. You might hate yourself but somebody will always love you, you just might not have found how to switch on the light. If I can not post crumby vague stuff and let down some (baby steps) of my walls then I'm sure you can find a little happiness in your life. They're is someone worse than you, I don't mean with poor living conditions but I'm talking morally, you might do things your not proud of but I'm guessing you're not reading this from a jail cell or are a criminal master mind, so you're all good.

So I'm going to delete all the stupid blog posts and for everyone I'm going to (well try) post a better one, not grown up but not pointless. This will be a long process.

Equality

So I did a previous post stating that I was a feminist and because of that it meant that I want equality regardless of what that means, whether its good or bad.

Yes I would like it to be acceptable for girls and women to wear what they want, after all its common sense in the winter we'll wear jumpers but we're not going to do that when the sun is shining. We also actually wear outfits for ourselves, okay we may make a little more effort if we fancy someone or we're going on a date but again that is our choice.

However, equality also applies for men, that means that a man should be entitled to spend the same amount of time with his child as the mother. A man should not have to live up to the expectations of being 'manly' it is acceptable to cry and perfectly fine if they don't have a six pack.

I want equality, I want the girls that paint their faces to feel as equally important as the ones who don't and are 'naturally beautiful'. I want a man to feel it is acceptable to hurt and that he doesn't have to be 'macho'.

I guess I believe in this because I've felt that, I've felt less equal to a guy and I know that it sucks, which means I don't want anyone to feel like that whether they're male or female.

I want everyone to feel as if they deserve better, I don't want it to be acceptable for a man to be dismissed if he has been attacked. I don't want No to mean 'Convince me' no matter what gender. However I can only come at this from my point of view.

As a student I like to go out and socialise, and there is always at least one creepy guy in the bar, and grabbing a girls arm is probably not going to convince her and if she says no she means it and is not playing hard to get. I've also seen guys accosted by women, not all guys are going out just to attract a girl, they are probably going out to enjoy themselves.

Feminism is often seen as being biased and essentially complaining but is it too much to ask that everyone is treated the same. If a guy is treated like a slave why should he treat his partner like they deserve the world. Feminism is more than wanting women to be treated better, it is not an excuse for us to be treated better than men. Things should be equal whether that is promotions, wages, prison sentences or punishments or just life in general.

I'm not asking to be saved, I'm not asking to be treated any better, I just want every one to be treated like a human being.

The Past, The Present and The Future

Recently some people have got a little confused between what is in the past, the present and what will be in the future. So I thought I would just clarify it.

The Past

A few years ago I will admit I was a person I couldn't be proud of, I was weak no matter how much I tried to be strong. That's okay though. It wasn't the right time, the right place or the right people. Then again there are 2 past versions of myself. There is the broken girl who had her world crumble, and she just didn't know how to build it up, I couldn't find the voice I had before that. However before her was a 'gobby, happy little girl' my family have videos of me just dancing and twirling and singing where I could, they have pictures of me in costume for school productions or whatever. I guess the main period of time that changed was the ages of 11-13 when I did a complete 180. I was completely different which brings me to the present.

The Present

I am 19 going on 20. I am both an introvert and an extrovert, I guess both those people combined themselves. I can retract me and put those walls back up until I'm in Rapunzel's tower. I can also be the girl screaming at a concert, singing into her hair brush, dancing around her room. Thankfully that is slowly becoming the person, thankfully the toxicity that once filled my life is disappearing, I am not scared to stand up for what I believe, or to voice my opinion, or wear whatever I like (Thankfully that isn't neon fishnet gloves any more). Things change as do people. However although my behaviour may change that doesn't mean my morals do.

The Future

I don't have a crystal ball so forgive me if in 10 years time this isn't right but if its anything like the last 5 years then everything will be okay. If I continue to stand strong, I continue to fight for what I believe in, I continue not accepting any less than I deserve. Well then life should be pretty good. 10 years ago I was 9 going on 10. I was living freely obsessed with a side ponytail and I was quite happily just jumping on my trampoline my biggest life choice was if I used an orange or red crayon whilst listening to The Black Eyed Peas.

I can completley understand people using someones past to make judgements and that is fine but don't throw their mistakes in their face. Don't hold it against them. Don't think that the person they once were is an accurate description of who and where they are now. I have changed so much, I acceptt my past, I accept people are aware of the mistakes I've made but if you want to tell me I'm still the same person I was at 12 as I am at 19, then please don't expect me to welcome you into my life. People say we only except what we think we deserve, well I've learnt that I deserve more than toxicity, more than judgemental people who are simply going to remind me of how bad things used to be, who try to fit me in that box and stay in that box, probably just to make themselves feel better about themselves. Thats not cool, I don't want that in my life. I am not ashamed of the person I was nor am I proud but I accept that person, just as I accept the person I am now and hopefully the person I become.

UPDATE: 20 Things To Do Before I Turn 20

Okay this is a few weeks late, but better late than never, its a little over 3 months until my 20th, and I have made a little bit more progress since last time.

Number 3 has made a little progress and also had a little bit of a set back. Turns out my medication isn't working as well as it should, that was obvious since I was still having seizures, however my OCD has got a little better, and so has the anxiety, it might not be a massive improvement but any is better than none.

I've continued to work on number 4 and started to eat vegetables I used to eat, that is despite protesting how much I hated them for years, although I'm still yet to try food that I can't pronounce.

Number 6 is definitely a working progress, I am becoming more happy with the person I've become but I can still be pretty critical of myself.

For number 8 I have learnt 2 new recipes, although I'm yet to try one out, but the first one was successful so I'm hopeful for the second.

Number 9 was to write, and I have actually made progress with the book I started to write, although it definitely isn't enough.

In terms of finishing 5 things that I started, I decided to turn Christmas wrapping into a project and decorated everyone's differently, I also started to make a travel list, I have completed it for now however I know that this will gain additions over time.

Over Christmas it also got pretty nostalgic, reliving some happy memories, it also included watching my favourite Christmas film which has never actually changed.

I have obviously written more with making progress on my book, travel lists and a few other things.

I've definitely spent more quality time with my family over my Christmas break, since in June/July I'll be starting placement, this is definitely important.

In terms of confidence, I feel it has improved a little more for whatever reason, don't get me wrong I still have bad days but I have managed to survive without make up for a little while. For me this is a big deal since it has acted as a sort of security blanket for so many years.

In terms of general happiness, I feel like this has improved although I have forgot to see if I've smiled at something everyday...obviously.

I've also made progress with number 18, I know that I need to stand by what I believe in, no matter what that is. I also feel like this has possibly contributed into me feeling more happy and content.

SMILE...I have definitely smiled a lot in 2015 compared to other years, but this can always be improved. After all laughter is the best medicine for anything.

Enjoying my last year has definitely been started and I definitely intend to improve on this even more.

So overall I have a little over 3 months to complete 5 things and improve on the others, which I think is doable. I'll try and keep this update, especially if I manage to complete this before I turn 20.

Favourites

Since I had some spare time and have a certain song in my head I thought I would answer some 'Favourites' questions, I've already answered a few before (I think), but others are new and quite a few are dependant on my mood so they may have changed. I tried to stick to one favourite per question but I couldn't so here's a list.

1. What is your favourite drink?

Fizzy Drink; I am currently can't get enough of Fanta, like I just want it constantly, but that only started about 1 week or so ago, usually is Raspberry Diet Coke, I tried it on my last visit to London and its been my favourite ever since.

Hot Drink; Tea with honey and milk, Green tea or Hot Chocolate

Still Drink; Juice, Cherry juice, Raspberry + Cranberry juice for some reason I love it, my teeth not so much.

2. What is your favourite song at the moment?

Since I love music from pretty much any genre there's quite a few however I can narrow it down(ish).

McFly Song; Obviously

Musical Song: Slipping through my fingers - Mamma Mia

Acoustic - Sometimes its Hard - Jamie Lawson

Rock(is)- She moves in her own way - The Cooks

Honey I'm Good - Andy Grammer

Basically there isn't one it depends what mood I'm in or what's stuck in my head

3. What is your favourite book?

The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald, I have an extract from my favourite quote tattooed on my ribs. I do love most books I read, I find it easy to fall in love with books and have done since I read Rainbow Fish but The Great Gatsby resonated somewhere within me.

4. What is your favourite colour?

I don't really have one, it is usually dependant on several things, i.e I love my Rose Gold phone but in terms of decorating/home ware I love neutrals such as greys and muted tones and as for make-up, it is dependant on the season. 

5. What is your favourite animal?

Elephant, Lion, Giraffe, Seahorse....although I have elephants scattered everywhere at uni, but I also have a seahorse tattoo. I also love dogs, mainly my dog but dogs in general, guinea pigs, I also have a cockatiel (he's grey and white with one black feather) so as you can guess I love birds (not pigeons they scare me a little when they fly near me). Essentially I should own a zoo or a farm...

6. What is your favourite perfume?

Victoria Secrets Noir Tease, Total Attraction, Endless Love and Aqua Kiss

Marc Jacobs Daisy Dream

Christina Aguilera Signature

7. What is your Favourite Food?

.Pizza Express is the only Margherita Pizza I will eat. I love Chips, Cheese and Gravy, Bacon Cheese Burger, Sour Patch Kids, Cheese Dog, back home I have a sausage roll with tomato sauce and cheese in a roll/cob/bap (whatever you want to call it), stuffing, Yorkshire puddings. I realise my standard is basically long as it has cheese its good for the majority of things.

8. What is your favourite casual clothes shop?

Primark, if that fails New Look. I used to change my style so much I could never justify spending a vast amount on clothes, plus you can't beat Primark's 300 denier black tights. I also go through shoes really quickly so for my casual day-to-day slip on shoes I'll also head to primark. I do like the style or clothes in other but considering I could change my mind by the time it comes to wearing the item again a year later I can't justify spending a vast amount on clothes unless it is a statement item (i.e. a coat or black dress) I can wear it all year or along those lines.

9. What are some of your favourite TV shows?

I've binge watched all 7 series of Skins recently, I also love Friends, Mrs Browns Boys, Call the Midwife, Educating....(Yorkshire is my favourite series so far), Sherlock, Waterloo Road, Jeremy Kyle is a guilty pleasure, Hollyoaks, The Simpsons (I can recite most episodes word for word or tell you what will happen)

10. What is/are your favourite musicals?

Les Misérables, Mamma Mia, Shrek and The Addams Family 

11. What is your favourite film(s)?

Pretty much all Disney films,  Harry Potter series (Prisoner of Azkaban has always been my favourite) and The Addams Family

So they're my current favourites, some of them have never changed and have been my favourite for as long as I can remember, some change daily like my favourite songs. 

UPDATE No2: 20 Things To Do Before I Turn 20

In my last update I said I had either completed or started number 5 which was to see 5 new things, I had started number 12 which was tracing my family tree, I had begun 13 by feeling nostalgic and reliving childhood memories and finally I started to stand up for what I believe in which also allowed me to tick off number 18. That also meant I was also 1/5 of the way through my list. Since that update I have managed to tick of some more things on my list.

The first one I managed to tick off my list was number 2, since going back to university, I have started a new sport and I love it so much, I never associated P.E or sport with relaxing because I just never really found a sport I liked that much in Secondary School. For at least 1 hour of the week I can forget the stress or worries I have and just have fun and relax which is actually bliss.

I have also vaguely ticked number 4 off, I did try a new food (a cannoli, better than I ever imagined and have been wanting to try this since my obsession with the Cake Boss series'), however I can pronounce that and do still want to try food I wouldn't usually eat.

I have also started number 7, I still keep getting mini break outs however I have found make up products that don't seem too heavy and skin care that doesn't seem to be having an adverse impact on my skin so I'm hoping that will improve some more.

The final two I have managed to tick of were relax, get out of my comfort zone and write letters, I still get stressed however I have found some relaxing scents, relaxing tea etc. so it is slowly improving, I also feel like I get the most stressed at night so try and de-stress the most here, I also feel as if coming back to uni, having to walk further to and from uni, finding a sport I enjoy etc. has helped improve things as well by making me have more time in the day to think and plan ahead, waking up earlier etc. In terms of getting out of my comfort zone, I am pretty much a jeans sort of girl and I always love the idea of dresses and skirts but I'm simply not used to them, but since coming to uni I have not only wore my old skirts/dresses what I had but I've also bought some new ones and I'm wearing them on a pretty regular basis. I also have started writing letters so that can also be ticked off.

So in total I have now ticked off 10 of my 20 things, which means I am half way through my list with 4 months and 16 days left. I will ideally update this after Christmas provided I've actually ticked off more things.