What Its Like Losing a Grandparent.

Losing my nan changed my life. For almost 3 months theres been a piece missing. At 21 I didn't expect to die or have someone around me die. It sounds silly but I just presumed whoever it was would be there. I am fully aware that it exists, its in the news, people I know have lost people close to them, and my nan wasn't the first family member I lost.

I had friends who lost grandparents, who had a vague idea that it was happening. I only had one grandparent, the others had died either whilst I was a baby/small child or my granddad died at a young age and so I never met him. I know people who've lost grandparents or relatives who they weren't close to, but after my nan passed, I re-evaluated everything. It seemed strange to me that someone could not be close or miss them, but thats because I saw or spoke to my nan every day, even when I left for uni. She is a part of almost every single childhood memory I have.

When she passed, I instantly grew up, in what felt like a second everything had changed. I had no warning, I went to work, she was ill but she was fine, I got off the bus to see paramedics speeding towards her house, I hadn't got the phone call but in me somewhere I just knew that it was for her, so I tried ringing home, I tried running. I eventually got there, whilst my family were worried (and I was as well) I just snapped into leader mode. I knew it was almost time for my nephews to pass on the way home from school, I knew their routine and that if something changed they'd question it and part of me hoped she'd be going in the ambulance and coming home in a car. When I got that phone call to say come up, I knew but part of me still had hope, part of me still hoped it wasn't real as we were taken to a private room to say goodbye. 

That night I called friends, family members all of who where in shock, all of which hoping she'd pull through until we got home to deliver the news. I guess in that moment I grew up not by choice but because I had to. I had gone to her for support my entire life, even if it was just for a moan, as a family we'd seen her deal with death to many times, we used to call her the expert. 

I was thankful for every small moment up until then, and although I didn't realise it at the time, I knew then. I was thankful my generation was 'obsessed' with documenting our lives and technology. That obsession allowed me to Skype or FaceTime my nan whilst I was at university, send photos and make sure she was part of my life regardless of distance. I could and keep photos and memories with me 24/7.

When she passed, she took a part of me with her, she took a piece of everyone she knew. She got to see so many things, and will see so much more watching over us. Whilst at uni I always knew my family came first but now I prioritise making memories, I try and worry less. I never understood grief until that day, I never understood what it was until the days, weeks and even now its been almost three months after. 

Grief is love with nowhere to go, and you expect the big things to get you, but its the little things. That night I had a vivid dream where I was talking to my nan at her kitchen table, I woke up thinking she was still here for a second until it hit me. Its going shopping and her not asking to see what I've brought or what I'd eaten in town. 

My nan prepared me and was there for most of the biggest adventures and biggest highs in my life, she waved me off to prom, she came to uni when I first moved into halls, she visited each flat, she was there waiting for me at her house after graduation. Yet the biggest loss and what seems to be the worst and biggest journey through life, she's not here guiding me, she couldn't prepare me for this, all I have is hope and little signs from her. I promised her I'd live a life she could watch and be proud of, I promised her through me she'd live on. Thats all I can do, I can't bring her back and the truth is she's probably happy, watching over with granddad, so making sure the life she see's is a good life that brings happiness and is something she can be proud of will be a new adventure. One she'll be there for even if its not physically.

Update: Mental Health

It's been a really long time since I published a blog post, in fact, to be honest its been a really long time since I whole heartedly did anything fully. I had so many plans for summer, but I don't think I've even done half of them. My mental health has taken a beating once again, I've spent the days in my pj's getting by, attempting to 'adult'.

I've been battling with my mental health for almost 10 years now, and although I am on medication it is a tricky thing trying to find a dose and treatment plan that works and won't interfere to much with my epilepsy treatment plan. 

I love blogging, but all the life has been sucked out of my recently, it takes me days to even get the energy to reply to an email. I have power through days, but I've had to put that into course preparation, family time etc. appointments so things like blogging that I do enjoy have had to take a back seat (again).

I need to find a way to deal with this, I need to find a way to cope, I need to find a way to develop healthy habits that are going to help my mental health. I am a bottler, I keep things in, I don't let my guards down easily, also I don't think the fact that when I was younger and sought help for my mental health it completely backfired, and generally things just got worse. However, clearly the techniques I have at the moment aren't working either. I have so many things I want to do and achieve but if I don't tackle these issues then I'm not going to be fit enough to do anything.

So hopefully, I'll get better at this thing, hopefully I'll write a few blog posts before I start my course in a few weeks, but my priority needs to be things like the pre-course reading/assignment etc.

Officially A Graduate

On the 17th July 2017 I graduated Nottingham Business School with a 2.2 in Marketing. There were tears shed (in secret), reminiscing and celebrating we're all done.

Its crazy to think this time 3 years ago I was buying my last few bits for uni, preparing to move and waiting for my A-Level results.

Along those 3 years I've learned and gained so much. I talk about uni a fair bit here and the experience I had as it happened, but only now its all done can I look back on it as a whole. So in this blog I will touch on a few things.

Course/NTU

Firstly the course/NTU. Whenever I went to an open day at NTU it felt like I belonged, I looked wide eyed at my mum and knew the world was at my feet. It felt like home before I'd even got there, although I was local that was not the reason why. No other uni felt like NTU, I remember going to a open day at Hallam and we went to one session and I was like 'Mum I want to go, this place is not for me.' However whenever I heard about another event at NTU I was like 'Can we go?' 'Can we check this out, and do this.'

I remember being told I shouldn't pick NTU as my first choice but honestly I don't think there was anywhere else I would rather have spent my past 3 years. Nottingham is a beautiful city and NTU is a good uni. My course was versatile, I had choices, in my final year pretty much all my modules allowed me to focus on aspects or companies of interest. That made third year a lot less stressful, if you're researching and writing something your interested in it makes it easier. 

In addition to this I can honestly say I felt so comfortable at NTU and that was partially down to the staff. I remember being told at school 'Exams aren't really your forte, so you should focus on coursework' but at uni it was 'No you've got this, here's how we're going to tackle it.' I had a whole team of course staff and student support encouraging me and/or helping me. I can honestly say NTU cares about its students and not just the tuition fee's they bring, or at least my course team did. Before I got to NTU, they were talking to me about my needs in regards to my epilepsy, my depression and anxiety. They wanted the best out of me, which is obviously beneficial for them, the better I was, the better I performed, the better results they got. 

I never felt pressured, during my second year I had a rough time with my epilepsy, my medication was being increased every 2 weeks. I was experiencing horrific side effects (my memory was appalling I remember sitting in a lecture forgetting how to spell my last name) but thankfully my tutors have all been understanding of the fact my epilepsy or depression can get in the way and were happy to put plans into place for me. Without these plans or the support I received I can honestly say I would've had to make a decision between failing my degree or at least a year of it or my health. Anybody who knows me would know I am stubborn and there is a chance I'd of chosen the degree over my health.

My degree taught me transferable skills but also the struggles I faced taught me to reach out for help. When I felt like dropping out of my degree, or my mental health was taking a beating or my health was at a low. I knew something could be sorted with uni, it just meant that I had 1 less thing to worry about which made a massive difference.

The People

I have met some lovely people at NTU, and of course with that, some not so lovely people. I've had the joy to be part of NTU Drama for 2 years, Trent Tigerlillies as well as meeting people such as flatmates and course mates along the way. However, uni also made me realise how important the people I left at home were as well. 

Whilst being at uni, I realised that I also only had to surround myself with people who made me a better person, made me happy or had some kind of positive impact on my life. Its okay not to get along with someone, and you can say 'No' to having someone in your life, whether they've been in your life a short while or practically your whole life. 

For instance, during uni, several people have tried getting back in contact with me. One of these, was someone I once called my 'best friend' but during the years I'd given her several chances but the last time we 'fell out' was because I was talking to someone she didn't like (this was also during my A-Levels so we're like 16/17) and to me if someone who is supposed to be my friend of 10 years can do that I didn't need them anyway. Anyway, during uni they tried to get in contact again, and for a while I was like 'Ok, this is fine, we can be civil' but then it became toxic, she tried making me jealous over little things, acting like her life and achievements were far superior to mine. If I hadn't gone to uni I may not have realised that my achievements are just as relevant, and if she couldn't be happy for me then she had no place in my life. 

However, on the other hand I also met someone I can call my best friend, like she has he flaws and we're both a bit of a muppet at times but thats because we actually love each other. She knows what makes me tick, what I love, my weird crushes and also loves swearing as much as me. Like we have each others backs and we both know that even if her new flatmates are lovely they won't beat our pizza nights or bonding over reality TV. 

Finishing University!

On Sunday 28th May I submitted my final assignment for my degree, its crazy to think this blog started as a hobby in my first year. Its crazier to think of the memories I've made and the people I've met over the past 3 years.

I have had my ups and downs, I have hated uni, I've wanted to leave, I have met some dreadful people who I will hopefully never see again (and for those on my course I intend to avoid them at graduation as well). However it has also been amazing, I've made a new best friend who I can trust, love and annoy.

I have had some amazing and weird nights out, I am proud to be pink. I've grown as a person, I've learnt so much more than the three levels of product or how to manage a brand. 

People might slag NTU off, because its a 'polytechnic' but in a few years I've gone from a girl who lost her confidence and her spirit, who had so little belief in herself and wasn't even planning on doing A-Levels let alone a degree. Yet here I am, I've completed my degree, I get my results in a week and graduate in almost a month. Its crazy thinking back to buying stuff for uni or going to my welcome week and being told about graduation and what to expect over the next 3 years. 

I remember being full of all these ideas about all the different societies I'd join and how much I'd do over the 3 years and how long away it all felt. I still remember going to NTU for open days being like this is my place, this is where I want to study but I did so much more than study for me NTU was an adventure. 

I'm not pro-uni but if you're considering it and its the right choice for you (i.e. career wise) then go for it and do not hold back it is an experience that you will treasure and look back on and be amazed. I will admit I remember thinking 'Can I go back to A-Levels again?' but I don't think I'd of changed it for the world. If I had done a placement year I wouldn't have met my best friend. If I had gone to a different uni I may not have joined a society like burlesque. Everything at NTU happened for a reason and admittedly even the not so enjoyable stuff or people taught me something.

So here's to NTU and 3 astounding years that I will always treasure.

Turning 21!

So almost 2 months ago I turned the grand age of 21, this post is definitely a bit late because it was also the middle of my assessments for uni. I had an amazing time with my friends and family and was truly spoilt. I went out at uni (which was eventful and entertaining) in a pretty dress and red lipstick and as it washy 21st my family threw me a party back home.

I danced to cheesy, old music like Steps and ate far too much cake, I think it took us just over a week between everyone to eat all the cake and cupcakes.

But turning 21 made me realise and appreciate so much, I am a perfectionist but the fact the cake turned out wrong (complete and utter disaster) I knew that the cake wasn't why people were coming. I got to dance with my nephews and try and teach them the cha cha slide, I got to be with people who I love and who love me back.

I didn't let my assignments take over (too much), I got told I didn't look a day over 18, and I did the adult thing and had water every other drink. I wasn't worrying about what others might think or say, I did what was right for me.

21 is going to be my year, I will graduate, start my PGCE, I already have so much to look forward to and I know its going to be amazing. However, it did made me realise I am definitely having to adult.

So here's to my second year in my twenties.

Disney Tag

I was going to do a 'approaching 21' post a while ago but uni and final year got in the way so I decided to do a lighthearted 'Disney Tag'. 

1. Favourite scene in a Princess movie?

Either the end of 'Part of your world' where Ariel is on the rock or the scene in Tangled with all the lights.

2. Favourite scene in a non Princess movie?

When Scar is defeated

3. Last Disney movie you watched?

Moana

4. Is your family Disney obsessed?

Not really.

5. How many times have you visited the parks?

Unfortunately 0

6. Which park is your favourite?

I want to go to Disney World the most.

7. Cinderella’s castle or Sleeping Beauty’s castle?

Cinderella's

8. Favourite animal themed movie?

The Lion King

9. Favourite Disney movie from the 1950’s?

Cinderella or Peter Pan

10. Favourite Disney movie from the 1960’s?

101 Dalmatians 

11. Favourite Disney movie from the 1970’s?

The Aristocats or Bedknobs and Broomsticks

12. Favourite Disney movie from the 1980’s?

The Little Mermaid

13. Favourite Disney movie from the 1990’s?

Mulan

14. Favourite Disney movie from the 2000’s?

Finding Nemo 

(there was far too many to chose from so I did 'eerie meenie')

15. Favourite Disney movie from the 2010’s?

Brave

16. Favourite non-human character?

Stitch

17. If you could trade lives with one character which one and why?

Moana, I love flower crowns, and the beach so I would happily trade lives with her.

18. First Disney orientated memory?

I remember having dreams about the 3 fairies from Sleeping Beauty teaching me to fly, or dressing up as Cinderella at parties. I remember being obsessed with Pocahontas and having a Pocahontas room but they're all quite vague and I'm not sure which was first.

19. Would you get married/have your honeymoon at one of the parks?

I don't know, considering I'm single its not something I've planned.

20. If you could date one of the characters, who would it be and why?

Flynn/Eugene because I think life would be very entertaining with him

21. Would you name your child after one of the characters?

Again, not something I've thought of really, however I am getting 2 new pets and they're going to have Disney names (and my pets are basically my children right now)

22. Favourite villain?

Ursula, although I kind of hate her as well. 

23. If you could have two characters from different movies meet, who would they be and why?

Rapunzel and Ariel, I feel like they have/would have a lot in common and would get so excited.

24. Are there any characters who didn’t have a romance but you wish had?

I feel Moana and Maui might make a good couple, but I also like the fact they're just friends so I guess not.

25. Favourite sequel?

The Cinderella sequels and The Little Mermaid sequels

26. Least favourite sequel?

I don't know, I haven't watched a sequel in ages if I'm honest

27. Have you ever met any of the characters at the parks?

Evidently not.

28. Favourite live action Disney movie?

Cinderella (I still need to watch BATB)

29. Favourite soundtrack?

At the moment, Moana.

30. What are your top three favourite Disney songs?

How Far I'll Go

Hakuna Matata

Almost There

31. Mickey or Minnie?

Minnie

32. Which Disney movie do you think is overrated?

Frozen, I like it but there are also other films/characters that deserve so much more credit (For example, there were princesses before Elsa like Mulan and Merida that were independent women)

33. Which Disney movie do you think is underrated?

Mulan, Pocahontas or Brave

34. If you could be a face character at one of the parks, who would you be and why?

Ariel, she has always (and probably will always be) been my favourite princess/character.

35. If you could be in any scene from any Disney movie, which would it be and why?

'Part of your world' or when Peter and everyone are flying over London to Neverland

36. Which movie do you find the most nostalgic?

The Little Mermaid

37. Favourite Pixar movie?

Brave (even though I usually forget that's a Pixar film)

38. Least favourite Pixar movie?
A Bug's Life

39. Are there any Disney movies that you haven’t seen?
Quite a few actually, one of them is The Rescuers

40. Is there a scene or movie that makes you cry?
Not really. Bambi used to when I was a child

41. Is there a song that makes you cry?
No, I usually just sing and/or dance a long.

42. Favourite Disney prince?
Flynn or Eric

43. Which character do you relate to the most?
Ariel I think

44. Do you own any clothing that’s Disney themed?
Yes, possibly too much - in fact I'd say at least 75/80% of my PJ's are Disney

45. Favourite villain song?
Poor Unfortunate Souls/Mother Know's Best

46. Most iconic kiss?
In general it has to be Cinderella and Prince Charming

47. Favourite sidekick?
Flounder or Pua

48. Favourite Princess and why?
Ariel

49. Funniest Disney scene?
I don't know if its the funniest for me but the one that sticks out most is 'What do you want me to do dress in drag and do the hula?' also Flynn's narration in Tangled

50. Favourite Disney movie and why?
The Little Mermaid, I'm not sure why its just always been my favourite no matter what age.

Self Harm Awareness Day

**Edit I started writing this post on the 1st of March but I just wrote so much it ended up being finished and posted just after midnight on the second.

As you can see from the title of this post the content may be triggering, if it could or will be triggering to you, please do not continue. 

Today, as it is every year it is Self Injury/Harm Awareness Day. It is a time people feel they can/should speak out and I don't think I've ever discussed or gone into depth on this topic on this blog. It's something I still feel vulnerable about when I discuss it, its something people did and still judge me for. It shocks people to see what a 'confident' person I am/was when they realise that in fact, I have 0 confidence or self esteem.

I've spoke about the bullying before, I've spoke about how bad it was. For the majority of my secondary school life I was hiding or fighting the urge to run or simply wishing it would stop even just for a day. It felt endless and I was so exhausted I feel like I had nowhere or no-one to turn to. So by the age of 12, I had discovered self-harm, I didn't realise I had the symptoms of depression, nobody did until it got so bad or they found out about the self harm. I wouldn't just cut, I would take steaming hot baths to the point when I got out my skin was as red as a lobster. 

I used to trick people, I still trick people. When you say 'I've been in recovery for 3 1/2 years' or 'I have been cut free for 3 1/2 years' they presume you're fine, they presume you're getting better. That's because as soon as someone mentions self harm they just presume its cutting. They don't think about burning yourself in the shower, holding your wrist under water between 48 and 50 degrees Celsius, until you see you're skin goes red or until you can't bear anymore. They don't think about being so strict with your eating.

'Are things OK?' people ask when they realise or discover the fact I have mental health issues, they tread very carefully as they see this fragile person. However, as soon as you put on a smile and say the words 'Yeah, I'm fine', 'Everything's OK' they seem to believe you. 

There was a quote I found when I was about 15/16 and I don't know who said it as it was under 'Unkown' but it was 'You say I'm always happy, and that I'm good at what I do, but what you'll never realise is, I'm a damn good actress too.' and for a long time that was my life. 5 years to be precise. I had a new teacher once, when I'd convinced everyone I was in recovery (for like the countless amount of times before), so they didn't know about my past, my addiction. When they found out they questioned why, when it got so bad, but you seemed so happy. I might not do drama anymore and I might have given up by then but everyday was a performance, the smile painted on the calm and confident act. The character I had developed, just to convince everyone.

'You're not fooling anyone' one person told me, yet I had doctors, my family and almost all the adults who were supposed to care for or about me convinced I was 'Fine' and 'Happy' I even managed to fool CAMHS. For half a decade I would use a blade as my comfort blanket. For most of my adolescence I felt the only option I had, the only way to numb the pain for a short amount of time was to harm myself. I was in a vicious circle of addiction and depression.

I have everything I've worked for and almost everything I've dreamed of, yet I'm still not happy. I still have to force myself some days to get out of bed, to shower, to get dressed, to go to uni. I was alive but not living. If you've ever seen skins, I was Effy, I was the girl with the broken heart and soul who would try and do anything to need the pain (along with the dark eyes and clothing to match). I was so young, I was so vulnerable and I was so afraid of the world.

After all that, after the last time I entered recovery, I decided to speak out, to show everyone that words can hurt, words can physically make you hurt. However, that just caused more pain, more words, more vulnerability and made me more scared of the world. So this time I haven't spoke up, not even on a blog where I don't know who's reading and who's reading don't know me. I even go under a different name so people are very unlikely to know who I am unless I told them.

Thats it though, people see the temporary or physical impact, they see the cuts and the scars but not the paranoia, anxiety, the vulnerability and how scary things can be. They don't see the daily battle not to pick up the blade or turn the water up. The people who caused pain get to forget, they don't remember the time they made someone feel so bad they couldn't see no light or end. The fight people have to put up.

A while ago I said I wanted to use the voice however big or small this blog gave me to try and make the world better. To raise awareness. To change what future generations have to put up with, to change the battles they face. So I guess what thats what this post was supposed to do, I could have written this any time, any year, but today has been hard, harder than before. I have struggled so much today and I honestly wondered how I'm going to cope if things get harder, but if I can use my story to make even one persons life better, to let them know they are not alone then that makes it better, that means all that pain wasn't as bad, the battles weren't wasted or worthless. If you need help, just reach out to someone a tutor, a person you trust or even an a service where you are anonymous like the Samaritans or ChildLine. It will get better. It won't last forever.