Tag Tuesday: Ask, Me, About

So things have been a little crumby so I decided that I would do a tag. I know I've posted that I wanted to use this blog to have more of an impact and discuss topics I'm passionate about such as my epilepsy or equality but I just need something lighthearted at the moment. I'm also going to try and do a tag every Tuesday or every other Tuesday.

Ask

1. Sexual orientation

Straight

2.What I'm really bad at

Organisation, despite having OCD I also have a restless brain and can't seem to stay organised despite how much I try.

3.Description of my self esteem

Low, like rock bottom at times, there are times I feel bad about myself, my abilites and mainly my body, unless I know I've lost weight i.e. having to buy new clothes.

4.Favourite book

The Great Gatsby

5.Biggest turn offs

Nastiness, whether thats making judgements, generally being negative or making someones life worse. Younger guys, it might sound superficial but I just can't do it. Generally just acting like an idiot, like I can deal with a certain extent, but if you're going make ridiculous statements I just can't deal with it.

6.Description of my best friend

They're all beautiful, amazing, thoughtful, intelligent people who I adore.

7.Favourite Animal

Elephant

8.Someone I miss

Unfortunatly I never got to meet my granddad and my papa died when I was only 2 months, I have stories but I just wish I got to meet them. 

9.Reason behind my last break up

He was immature, a cheat, a liar and I'm not going to be treated like that
.

10.What I did yesterday

I went into town to pick up a few bits and bobs.

11.Greatest achievements
Surviving school, being almost 3 years into recovary and beating certain fears.

12.Description of who I dislike most
Catty, hypocritical and judgemental.

13.Favourite songs
Older Songs: Here and now, Slipping through my fingers, Summer of love and Spice up your life

New Songs: Secret Love Song, Love Yourself, Blank Space, Touch and Go and Wildest Dreams

14.Pets

I have a dog and a bird, I used to have a guinea pig and keep asking for more and another dog, however since I'm at uni mum thinks its not such a good idea.

Me

15.Favourite ice cream flavour
From the ice cream van: vanilla with bubblegum sauce and sherbet/fizz bits
Ben and Jerry's Karamel Sutra. Generally mint choc chip

16.Where I want to be right now
London, I am obbsessed with it and as I've written in other posts I want to live there.

17.Worst thing someone said to me
'You even failed at committing suicide'

18.I'll love you if..
Relationship wise: You actually know all of me down to what colour foundation I wear. We explore, you excite my mind.

Friend wise: You love disney, cope with my awkwardness/weirdness.

19.Future Plans
Move to London, have a career I love, explore, and just live my life.

20.Internal conflict I have
At the moment, I'm not sure how I feel about uni. I also consintely worry about life in general.

21.What I want to be

Happy, like I said I'm not sure about uni and I'm not sure who I want to be. I want to be as kind as I can be, I just want the best version of me.

22.Two Insecurities

My appearance and my abilities

23.If I won the lottery...
I'd go to Disney World and buy a house, I'd ideally be able to make it my dream home.

24.Description of my crush
Ambitious, intelligent, honest, funny and of course out of my league and I shouldn't fancy the guy.

25.Favourite thing about myself
My ability to face things that others couldn't deal with, general life hassles, my condition, my recovery. I don't let them get in the way of my life or my dreams.

26.Pet peeves
Arrogance, showing off, being judgemental, lying, winging, people who are unhygenic and/or lazy.

27.What I'm really good at
Messing up, that's my speciality, I should have an exceptional first degree in that.

About

28.Most traumatic experience
Years 8-10/11 in secondary school. Bullying, death threats, attacks aren't so fun.

29.Where I'd like to live
London.

30.Nicest thing that has been said to me

'Don't settle for a rock when you deserve diamonds' I've accepted some pretty rubbish things, I've thought I deserved them, I love hearing I've changed as well because I'm not exactly proud of the person I used to be.

31.Do I like where I am now

In respects to the person I am now, however in terms of where I live, no.

32.Biggest worry

Failing or not being able to achieve my dreams.

33.Something I'm waiting for

My future, for example I can't wait to move out properly or have a career that I love and enjoy.

34.Something I should've said a long time ago

'Thank you', I never told the people I was grateful for or the help they gave me when I had the chance. 

35.Last text message received

It was from my friend from uni.

36.What I hate about myself
I let things like my low esteem get in the way at times.

37.What I'm wearing
Minnie mouse pj bottoms and a Peter Pan top.

38.Words that upset me
Failure, Worthless, Hopeless, Ugly and the nickname I was called by the people who bullied me.

39.What I hated most about school

The fact that most of my year and other years bullied me, I got death threats, nothing was done, I used to get the blame. The fact my self harming wasn't taken seriously, certain staff didn't have faith in me until I proved them wrong, and then they 'always believed in me'. One member of staff also told me I 'deserved everything that happened/was happening.'

40.The last thing I ate
Oreo doughnut.

41.Last thing I drank
Water to take my medication.

End of Second Year

I had my final exam on Monday 6th June, my assignments have all been handed in. So far my grades are still higher than those I got in first year. Maybe its because I stressed less, I'm not sure how it works, this year I socialised more, went out more and still need to improve on my organisation, but something worked.

This year is 30% of my degree, so whilst my grades have improved it does not mean that I can just rely on those for my final grade. 

Second year has been a weird one, I keep discovering new things or rediscovering old things about myself. I met some lovely people this year. I still have the same plan, certain elements or timings have changed once...okay maybe a couple of thousand times and nothing is set in really set in concrete. 

I have learnt a few things;

1. I am so determined to move to London, it is one of the main things I think about, I cannot express the amount of love I have for London.
2. Its okay to be selfish, selfish doesn't have to be a bad thing, if my relationship with someone is toxic for me its okay to cut that off. 
3. I'm also very independent. I like living away from home, I love my family but I love my space, I love doing my own thing and living in my own space.
4. I am restless, I don't think I can feel content for a long while, I just keep on dreaming and reaching for the next step.
5. I feel happier, the depression can still come and take control.

I am not a fan of uncertainty, and second year has seen me face a lot of it, I have had scans, new treatment plans, as well as uni stuff like placement stuff. Second year really has managed to push me. Thankfully, I have managed to survive it. 

There is still a lot more work that needs doing, and its not going to be easy but it will be worth it. It feels that I'm now in my twenties and I'm heading towards my final year of my degree at NTU. 4 years ago I was a mouthy, determined 16 year old who was ready to start her A-Levels, who wanted to go to NTU and be a student and get a degree. A lot has happened since then and yet it feels like only yesterday. 

Its strange to think that in a few more years time I'll be a graduate looking back on now. Things could and probably will change all over again and hopefully I'll still be writing this blog (maybe more regularly, who knows miracles could happen).

I guess for now though the only thing I can do is hold tight, enjoy the ride, see what life brings and try and make it the best it can be.

Final Update : 20 Things To Do Before I Turn 20

So I turn 20 tomorrow, 2 decades old. I set myself 20 challenges and I didn't actively try in a way I just tried to gradually fix them day by day. Once I completed a challenge I decided not to stop there, and just continue.

I wanted to get out my comfort zone, and that has happened, I've walked home without having a little freak out at 4 am. Which is a lot better than making sure my mum or nan stay up until I come out of a gig so I can be on the phone and not get murdered. I am wearing clothes that last year I would've liked but wouldn't hSave worn because of people opinions.

I updated this last year saying I'd started a new sport, this helped me improve my health, my anxiety is slightly improving, whilst I was under my consultant before I never actually saw and after I didn't like the way I was treated by the nurse, I have now got an appointment with the consultant after her appalling behaviour. I'm eating more healthily and now have a Fitbit which tracks my sleep and can pick up on if I've had a seizure.

In terms of trying food I now like, Broccoli, Cauliflower, Brussels Sprouts where as a kid I would flat out refuse to eat them because they were 'disgusting'. Not sure if I ever actually tried them as a kid but still. However I don't like humus, I tried a bit of the lid and it went in the bin. I also saw the 5 new things relatively early into this.

Number 6 is a work in progress, I think it always will be. I can see I'm a better person than I used to be, and I can vaguely lower my walls. My skin is also a work in progress, I have started wearing a foundation with SPF and I think I've found some products that work for my skin, but that will probably change as usual.

My 5 lessons I've learnt; 

- 1. Some people are toxic, its okay to avoid these people.

- 2. I will always think the seaweed is greener in a different sea.

- 3. Love or true friendship is being able to tolerate and live with that person in harmony...I have not found these people.

- 4. I am restless and reckless, I'm not scared to do things I want to do even if things could turn bad (but not everything), I also don't like staying still, by that I have to move onto the next thing pretty quickly.

- 5. I do far to much thinking, like a lot, on the way to uni, it keeps me up at night as well.

As for writing, I've written essays, a little bit of the book, which I need to finish and start the next one. In terms of finishing what I started, in a literal sense of projects etc I haven't done that. In terms of old relationships people have tried to contact me. Those people are toxic to/for me so I cut it off once and for all.

Relaxing...binge watching Netflix of course, panicking about life, yes. However I have began to just not care, people's opinions don't matter as much to me now. I said I traced my family tree, I forgot the site, its all good.

Childhood memories; 

-Have a bad time with epilepsy and watch The Little Mermaid with Super Noodles and Sweetcorn - Check

- Have an EEG and MRI - Check

-Eat like a 3 year old - Obviously

-Watch old kids programmes...Yes

Letters...I wrote 1. I then realised my life was just normal and I'd probably remember it...I hope. Spend quality time with my family, going home and getting off the bus and having a 3 year old run up and hug you is such a good feeling. My family came down yesterday for my birthday. I've also managed to spend more time with my nan. However if I spend more than 2 weeks with them I want to escape from most of them and have my space back.

Confidence, that has improved, I still put myself down but that's okay I can work on that. Being happy. I've smiled. A Lot. I've laughed and socialised and its so good. I can be content just by going to make myself a cup of tea, in my flat, cuddled under my blanket.

Stand up for what I believe in, I've done that more, and more openly and hopefully without being abrupt. Smile, like I said I've done that, I've found more happiness (YAY!)

I've enjoyed my last year as a teenager, I've enjoyed dancing and laughing and the moments in between, it hasn't been perfect but nothing ever is.

Grown Up Stuff

It's occurred to me that I don't really deal with adult issues, or deep issues and even on here I keep things at a distance, trying not to put a barrier down. All I really do on here is rant or just put facts that pretty much anyone could guess. I still think that nobody is reading it and it's just me sat a computer just rambling and having a conversation with her. However by my stats its not, and its clearly not the people I know because 1) I don't know that many people and 2) I don't know anyone in some of the countries this is getting viewed in. 

I started this as just somewhere to vent and stuff but I have a voice on here. I have people willing to hear it and I'm not really using that opportunity very well. I'm not showing the real me. The real things that I worry or care about. 

I am 19. I am a student. I have fought...a lot, I am not confident, I can act, I can pretend I am but every actress eventually takes of her costume. I hate the fact that I can't tell someone 'I like you and you're pretty awesome' no matter how many people go 'You should tell him.' I have lost count of the things I'd change about myself and I like to pretend I am this cold hearted person so that nobody will want to get close and people won't hurt me. I hate that even though I begin to lose myself when I drink, this never really goes away. I won't go out without make up and that is one thing that scares me most, that someone will one day have to see me without it. Nobody knows all of me, nobody knows I am scared. Scared of being hurt, scared of losing the battles I face. Scared I'll never truly be happy, that everything in life will just go by me. I hate rejection, not just from guys but people in general, no in fact life in general. 

I tell other people things I should be telling myself 'Tell him you like him, what have you got to lose?' but even when other people tell me I push them off 'That guy is looking at you' he's not looking at me, he's looking at someone or something else but not me. Never me. If he talks to me I think he's joking, which can help in certain situations. I hate to feel trapped, I like having an escape route at all times. I like to feel in control. I like distractions, I like pretending these things aren't happening. Crowds help except they don't help the anxiety. 

I do have happy days though next to my desk is a photo board (it should be used for a calender and stuff but I've got better priorities). I look at them and I get sentimental. 

I have a photo there of my Nan and the Granddad I never got to meet, he died before any of his grandchildren were born, before any of his children were adults. The last 2 years he lived on half a heart but him and my Nan married when she was 19. He worked at the pit all of his working life and my Nan always tells me how no man can ever compare or what an amazing father, and that to me that's love, seeing someone talk about the way she talks about him, with love and loss in her eyes, making sure he stays alive in everyone else.

I have a lot of photo's of my nephews, who steal my phone to take selfie's or watch Netflix, or my eldest nephew's drawings from school. Photo's of London because that is my happy place, that is where my heart becomes 5 again and I just become free or the zoo to remind me of the job I loved (who doesn't love a job where you get to go to the zoo?).

Next to my bed are quotes from films or books that I can look at as I wake up in the morning, which is a lot prettier than a blank wall. I have days were all I do is put comfy clothes on and just watch films in my duvet with a cup of tea. I love that I get to live independently and unlock the door with the key to my flat. I love to write and have times where all I do is write segments of the book I try and write. I reminisce and that helps because old me was an idiot, well more of an idiot. 

I have rent to pay, food to buy and make, decisions that only implicate me and only I can make. I have doctors appointments and scans and I have to do them for me now, not because my mum makes me. I decided I wanted to step out my comfort zone and in a way I have, I just need to jump over those hurdles.

Life sucks but the guy who's looking your way may not be looking at that chair or the person behind you, he could be looking at you. That girl who compliments you on your outfit, is probably genuine. It's perfectly acceptable to blast Steps or My Chemical Romance, it is definitely acceptable to say 'No I deserve better' or just 'No'. I hate saying no, but as much as I love spending time with people there are some days where all I want is a book and a film. I don't particularly listen to other people very well either, if people have faith in me, its because they're pretending. Unfortunately that is because I let other people write my story for so long they're words just aren't becoming undone. 

I've wasted so much time bottling this version of me when I could of been using it to let people know that its fine, they're not alone. Nobody is and life can be suckish and dark and crumby but that doesn't matter You might come from a working class family but you can still make something of yourself. You might hate yourself but somebody will always love you, you just might not have found how to switch on the light. If I can not post crumby vague stuff and let down some (baby steps) of my walls then I'm sure you can find a little happiness in your life. They're is someone worse than you, I don't mean with poor living conditions but I'm talking morally, you might do things your not proud of but I'm guessing you're not reading this from a jail cell or are a criminal master mind, so you're all good.

So I'm going to delete all the stupid blog posts and for everyone I'm going to (well try) post a better one, not grown up but not pointless. This will be a long process.

Equality

So I did a previous post stating that I was a feminist and because of that it meant that I want equality regardless of what that means, whether its good or bad.

Yes I would like it to be acceptable for girls and women to wear what they want, after all its common sense in the winter we'll wear jumpers but we're not going to do that when the sun is shining. We also actually wear outfits for ourselves, okay we may make a little more effort if we fancy someone or we're going on a date but again that is our choice.

However, equality also applies for men, that means that a man should be entitled to spend the same amount of time with his child as the mother. A man should not have to live up to the expectations of being 'manly' it is acceptable to cry and perfectly fine if they don't have a six pack.

I want equality, I want the girls that paint their faces to feel as equally important as the ones who don't and are 'naturally beautiful'. I want a man to feel it is acceptable to hurt and that he doesn't have to be 'macho'.

I guess I believe in this because I've felt that, I've felt less equal to a guy and I know that it sucks, which means I don't want anyone to feel like that whether they're male or female.

I want everyone to feel as if they deserve better, I don't want it to be acceptable for a man to be dismissed if he has been attacked. I don't want No to mean 'Convince me' no matter what gender. However I can only come at this from my point of view.

As a student I like to go out and socialise, and there is always at least one creepy guy in the bar, and grabbing a girls arm is probably not going to convince her and if she says no she means it and is not playing hard to get. I've also seen guys accosted by women, not all guys are going out just to attract a girl, they are probably going out to enjoy themselves.

Feminism is often seen as being biased and essentially complaining but is it too much to ask that everyone is treated the same. If a guy is treated like a slave why should he treat his partner like they deserve the world. Feminism is more than wanting women to be treated better, it is not an excuse for us to be treated better than men. Things should be equal whether that is promotions, wages, prison sentences or punishments or just life in general.

I'm not asking to be saved, I'm not asking to be treated any better, I just want every one to be treated like a human being.

The Past, The Present and The Future

Recently some people have got a little confused between what is in the past, the present and what will be in the future. So I thought I would just clarify it.

The Past

A few years ago I will admit I was a person I couldn't be proud of, I was weak no matter how much I tried to be strong. That's okay though. It wasn't the right time, the right place or the right people. Then again there are 2 past versions of myself. There is the broken girl who had her world crumble, and she just didn't know how to build it up, I couldn't find the voice I had before that. However before her was a 'gobby, happy little girl' my family have videos of me just dancing and twirling and singing where I could, they have pictures of me in costume for school productions or whatever. I guess the main period of time that changed was the ages of 11-13 when I did a complete 180. I was completely different which brings me to the present.

The Present

I am 19 going on 20. I am both an introvert and an extrovert, I guess both those people combined themselves. I can retract me and put those walls back up until I'm in Rapunzel's tower. I can also be the girl screaming at a concert, singing into her hair brush, dancing around her room. Thankfully that is slowly becoming the person, thankfully the toxicity that once filled my life is disappearing, I am not scared to stand up for what I believe, or to voice my opinion, or wear whatever I like (Thankfully that isn't neon fishnet gloves any more). Things change as do people. However although my behaviour may change that doesn't mean my morals do.

The Future

I don't have a crystal ball so forgive me if in 10 years time this isn't right but if its anything like the last 5 years then everything will be okay. If I continue to stand strong, I continue to fight for what I believe in, I continue not accepting any less than I deserve. Well then life should be pretty good. 10 years ago I was 9 going on 10. I was living freely obsessed with a side ponytail and I was quite happily just jumping on my trampoline my biggest life choice was if I used an orange or red crayon whilst listening to The Black Eyed Peas.

I can completley understand people using someones past to make judgements and that is fine but don't throw their mistakes in their face. Don't hold it against them. Don't think that the person they once were is an accurate description of who and where they are now. I have changed so much, I acceptt my past, I accept people are aware of the mistakes I've made but if you want to tell me I'm still the same person I was at 12 as I am at 19, then please don't expect me to welcome you into my life. People say we only except what we think we deserve, well I've learnt that I deserve more than toxicity, more than judgemental people who are simply going to remind me of how bad things used to be, who try to fit me in that box and stay in that box, probably just to make themselves feel better about themselves. Thats not cool, I don't want that in my life. I am not ashamed of the person I was nor am I proud but I accept that person, just as I accept the person I am now and hopefully the person I become.

UPDATE: 20 Things To Do Before I Turn 20

Okay this is a few weeks late, but better late than never, its a little over 3 months until my 20th, and I have made a little bit more progress since last time.

Number 3 has made a little progress and also had a little bit of a set back. Turns out my medication isn't working as well as it should, that was obvious since I was still having seizures, however my OCD has got a little better, and so has the anxiety, it might not be a massive improvement but any is better than none.

I've continued to work on number 4 and started to eat vegetables I used to eat, that is despite protesting how much I hated them for years, although I'm still yet to try food that I can't pronounce.

Number 6 is definitely a working progress, I am becoming more happy with the person I've become but I can still be pretty critical of myself.

For number 8 I have learnt 2 new recipes, although I'm yet to try one out, but the first one was successful so I'm hopeful for the second.

Number 9 was to write, and I have actually made progress with the book I started to write, although it definitely isn't enough.

In terms of finishing 5 things that I started, I decided to turn Christmas wrapping into a project and decorated everyone's differently, I also started to make a travel list, I have completed it for now however I know that this will gain additions over time.

Over Christmas it also got pretty nostalgic, reliving some happy memories, it also included watching my favourite Christmas film which has never actually changed.

I have obviously written more with making progress on my book, travel lists and a few other things.

I've definitely spent more quality time with my family over my Christmas break, since in June/July I'll be starting placement, this is definitely important.

In terms of confidence, I feel it has improved a little more for whatever reason, don't get me wrong I still have bad days but I have managed to survive without make up for a little while. For me this is a big deal since it has acted as a sort of security blanket for so many years.

In terms of general happiness, I feel like this has improved although I have forgot to see if I've smiled at something everyday...obviously.

I've also made progress with number 18, I know that I need to stand by what I believe in, no matter what that is. I also feel like this has possibly contributed into me feeling more happy and content.

SMILE...I have definitely smiled a lot in 2015 compared to other years, but this can always be improved. After all laughter is the best medicine for anything.

Enjoying my last year has definitely been started and I definitely intend to improve on this even more.

So overall I have a little over 3 months to complete 5 things and improve on the others, which I think is doable. I'll try and keep this update, especially if I manage to complete this before I turn 20.