Healing Not Healed

In my 22, nearly 23 years of living life has dealt me some rubbish cards. In the last 10 years I have dealt with a lot and whenever you talk to someone, it could be anyone and I could be speaking about anything its 'How are you holding up?' 'I hope you're getting through/over it?', what I've realised in the past few months though is you never really get over it, over anything. They'll always be a reminder.

I'll never get over being bullied because I have anxiety due to that, and when I finally became a happy, confident, bubbly person again after years of trying to become that person, it was taken away again. Something/someone else happened and I became a recluse. I couldn't bare to see people and had to force myself to talk to people I'd known for years or even to go outside and face the day. 

I'll never stop grieving because I have all this love and it has nowhere to go and yes I'm thankful for the memories but when Mercedes was talking to Nana McQueen in Hollyoaks, I couldn't help but think 'What I would give for just one more day, one more conversation.' 

I'll never forget the hurtful, damaging comments my ex's said to me. I know they're not the truth but I will always carry them with me. I know I'm not dumb, I proved that when I got my degree. I don't value their opinion anymore, but they left their mark.

I may be strange but I don't think I'll ever be healed. It's like my heart and soul are a mirror, they've been shattered and although each time I've picked the pieces up and glued them back together the best I could, you can still see the cracks and the dried glue. 

I will never forget all of the tears, the breakdowns, the self harm. I will never forget the lows even when I'm at my highest. Only I will know how sorry I am for pushing people away when they were trying to be there for me, how confusing and painful all that was. But I will also not burden people with that because as a society we expect people to heal within a certain time.

If I said all those things, that I am still haunted just not as frequently, that I still think about pretty much one of those things each and every day I would be told 'But it was years ago.' or asked 'Aren't you over that yet, it was years ago?'. So I'll say 'I'm fine.' or 'Everything's OK.' and I know I will never be 'healed' and thats ok because all of those things are a part of who I am, not one single thing defines me, but if they hadn't happened, if they didn't leave me a little bit hurt or broken then I would not be the 22 year old girl that I am and on those good days I am fierce and I am proud of who I am and the choices I made and who I'm turning out to be. And that, that is all what matters. 

So here's to not being healed, for growing constantly, for wounds being open, for them serving as a reminder that pain exists and it won't always feel as bad as the initial hit. Heres to healing even if we'll never be healed.

2018 Favourites

I started this blog so I could have a place that I could write about things I loved and was passionate about and whilst I do use it for that I still don't discuss certain things like beauty, fashion, music or books. So I thought I would change that and to kick things off I'd write a post about things I've loved in 2018.

Film and TV

Mamma Mia Here We Go Again

Me and my mum went to see this at the cinema and I fell in love with it, the storyline, the costumes the soundtrack it all just fitted so well. Despite the fact some people got irate at plot holes in the story line such as the order Donna met the dad's, I thoroughly enjoyed it and would watch it time and time again.

Black Lightning

I only started watching this because my mum was watching it but I soon became hooked. I don't really enjoy watching things like this but the characters and the storyline was so catching.

13 Reasons Why

13RW is such a bizarre thing for me, like Hannah I suffered with/have depression, fortunately unlike Hannah my attempts were unsuccessful. For me its intriguing to think of what could've happened and it serves as a reminder of what I could've left behind and that no matter what they'll always be an element of devastation.

Casualty

This is something I only got into because I wanted something easy to follow on a Saturday night, I watched it on and off in the past. I started getting into it during the storyline of Alicia's rape. The storyline was written and executed amazingly. It explored taboo/untold topics of rape, how the victim may feel, how the attacker may react, how those around you could react. It has done other storylines incredibly well but this one got me hooked. If you're one for dipping in and out of things I'd definitely suggest casualty.

Food and Drink

Gin

More specifically flavoured gins. I'm not a massive drinker but I love flavoured gins like pink gin, lemon drizzle gin. They taste amazing and they also look pretty.

Cheese

I have consumed waaaayyy too much cheese over Christmas, including plum chutney cheese, gingerbread cheese, white chocolate and caramel cheese and I loved them all. Cheese is just heaven and involved in many of my favourite foods. I love it, I always have even if my skin doesn't.

Slimming World

Towards the end of 2018 I started Slimming World, I didn't join a group I figured it out by myself and had lost around 1 stone before Christmas. I love some of the meals, I love knowing whats going into my food and I love having a reason to buy new clothes. I also have a slight obsession, I've seen people suffer with illnesses and if theres anything I can do to make sure I'm the healthiest I could be then I'll give it a go.

Beauty

Urban Decay All Nighter

This has been my safety net for the whole of 2018. It kept my make up on and I felt refreshed whenever I sprayed my face with it despite it being one of the hottest summers the UK had experienced in years.

Disney Beauty

More specifically Mad Beauty and Primark's collaborations with Disney. I've loved face masks, false lashes, false nails. I even invested in some Disney Spectrum brushes. Disney and beauty are 2 of my favourite things so to have them combined is lovely.

Too Faced Better Than Sex Mascara

If I haven't been wearing mascara I've been wearing this, it was the first high end product I've repurchased and despite wearing it almost every single day it still lasted me longer than almost every other mascara I've tried. From the first use I had a wow moment as it made my lashes pop. Its also fairly easy to remove which is always a bonus.

Hair

Scrunchies

Need a way to quickly accessorise your hair, grab a scrunchie. Need something to tie your outfit together, grab a scrunchie. Want to tie your hair up, you guessed it grab a scrunchie. They're cheap and so versatile and also very nostalgic.

Argan Oil

As someone who bleaches her hair its obviously important to look after it and whilst shopping in the summer I found the perfect solution. Whilst browsing in Superdrug I noticed they had a 3 for 2 offer on hair products and since I was buying 2 things I thought I would try their 10 in 1 multipurpose pray and it makes my hair feel shiny and healthy. After years of using detangling spray on my knotty hairI I have found the perfect one in this spray it also helps that it smells good.

Fashion

Gym Leggings

Sssh, its a secret I have an obsession with these even if I don't go to the gym. They're comfortable and the perfect choice for a day of getting stuff done.

Borg Denim Jacket

This jacket is possibly one of the best purchases made in 2018. Its so versatile and warm, easy to put on as well as going perfectly with a pair of black jeans or skirt. 

Jumper Dresses

The perfect comfortable yet stylish outfit. I love switching them up and wearing them with tights and knee or thigh high boots as well as leggings and ankle boots for something a little bit more casual.

So there it is, a few of my favourite things from 2018. Hopefully 2019 will be full of more wonderful things.