Life Update

It's been a while since I've done a life update on this blog. So here is a brief summary of whats happened;

1. I started a postgraduate course at university. This was to help me enter my dream career, a dream I've had since I was 15. The reason I was so determined to do everything I had done up to that point.
2. I lost my Nan. There's been 2 posts on that so you can read those for the impact of that.
3. I finished my first placement. As my course is work based I had to complete 120 days of placement that was split 40 days for Placement 1 and 80 for Placement 2. I fell in love with placement 1, it showed me and affirmed why I chose that career, I felt I could make a difference. I was on track, I was happy.
4. I started placement 2. I hated every second of it. I wanted to leave so many times. It got me down, I began to dread every day of placement, I considered giving up my dream, finding an alternative dream, but I stuck it out as much as I could. It had a detrimental impact on my health though.
5. I turned 22. I played Taylor Swift's 22 on repeat, spent too much money and it was a chance to let my hair down and de-stress.
6. I dropped out of my course. I'd completed the days but when your seizure control is decreasing, you're being demotivated, demoralised and someone else tells you if it was two school students it would be bullying. When someone has a power complex and is determined to make your life difficult, to be contradictory, its time to evaluate what is best. Leaving the course and re-starting is the best option for me. 

Thats it so far, the end of 2017 and 2018 has been ROUGH. Life is going to get better, I mean there has been the odd good thing but I'm too scared that vocalising them will only jinx it. However those events taught me: who's there for me, nobody should be treated the way I have been treated. I'm stronger than I thought, I've conquered so much, I'm still standing and I'm still fighting.

Grief Six Months On

Its six months since my Nan left us, so much has happened. We played Dani and Lizzy's 'Dancing in the Sky' for her, because everything is different, there is an emptiness. Theres questions. There's waves where it gets worse, where you think, she's missing all of this.

She never said goodbye, we had no idea. I've needed her so much these past six months, I've gone from having my life pretty sorted to having it thrown into the air. I've been used to coming in from wherever, going to see her everyday and her comforting me or just talking to me to nothing in an instant. I still remember little conversations.

When she left us, I promised I'd make her proud. I thought that meant graduating but it turns out it seems to be doing whats best for me. I've tried to live my best life. I've grown, I've done whats made me happy.

I never thought leaving university would be the best solution, I never thought I'd be in a situation again where every weekday I dreaded getting up or the person who counts the hours until finishing time. Who got that Monday dread but instead of it being a Sunday night it was Sunday to Thursday. That one place, one person could reduce my seizure control, have such a detrimental impact on my confidence and mental health.

I know she'd have hated seeing that, she always wanted me to be safe and happy. However, she would be happy to see me let go of my ghosts, to find amazing, supportive friends. That I stood my ground and by my beliefs, that I haven't lost myself like I have so many times. I've not relapsed. I took control as much as I could, I spoke up even if the people I spoke up to didn't do enough. I gave 100%.

Each day I still grieve because each day there's something to tell her, show her, or a memory to be made, but she will live on for the rest of my life. I have her spirit, her fight, her faith in love. I'll never stop telling stories of her, I'll be unapologetically me. I'll always rise above whatever obstacle I'm facing. That brings a little comfort. I'm not a religious person, but I believe in heaven and hell. I believe she's with my Grandad, they're finally reunited after too many years apart. That she's with me. She's watching over me. She can hear me talk to her. I just hope she passes that spirit on to the future generations.

I hope she helps me find a love like her and my Grandad had, that for the rest of my life I make her proud, I make her smile, I make her laugh but more importantly she knows how much I loved her, how much her death broke me but also made me.

Grief has taught me so much, its changed me, it will continue to change me, but I know it will make me stronger.