As you can see from the title of this post the content may be triggering, if it could or will be triggering to you, please do not continue.
Today, as it is every year it is Self Injury/Harm Awareness Day. It is a time people feel they can/should speak out and I don't think I've ever discussed or gone into depth on this topic on this blog. It's something I still feel vulnerable about when I discuss it, its something people did and still judge me for. It shocks people to see what a 'confident' person I am/was when they realise that in fact, I have 0 confidence or self esteem.
I've spoke about the bullying before, I've spoke about how bad it was. For the majority of my secondary school life I was hiding or fighting the urge to run or simply wishing it would stop even just for a day. It felt endless and I was so exhausted I feel like I had nowhere or no-one to turn to. So by the age of 12, I had discovered self-harm, I didn't realise I had the symptoms of depression, nobody did until it got so bad or they found out about the self harm. I wouldn't just cut, I would take steaming hot baths to the point when I got out my skin was as red as a lobster.
I used to trick people, I still trick people. When you say 'I've been in recovery for 3 1/2 years' or 'I have been cut free for 3 1/2 years' they presume you're fine, they presume you're getting better. That's because as soon as someone mentions self harm they just presume its cutting. They don't think about burning yourself in the shower, holding your wrist under water between 48 and 50 degrees Celsius, until you see you're skin goes red or until you can't bear anymore. They don't think about being so strict with your eating.
'Are things OK?' people ask when they realise or discover the fact I have mental health issues, they tread very carefully as they see this fragile person. However, as soon as you put on a smile and say the words 'Yeah, I'm fine', 'Everything's OK' they seem to believe you.
There was a quote I found when I was about 15/16 and I don't know who said it as it was under 'Unkown' but it was 'You say I'm always happy, and that I'm good at what I do, but what you'll never realise is, I'm a damn good actress too.' and for a long time that was my life. 5 years to be precise. I had a new teacher once, when I'd convinced everyone I was in recovery (for like the countless amount of times before), so they didn't know about my past, my addiction. When they found out they questioned why, when it got so bad, but you seemed so happy. I might not do drama anymore and I might have given up by then but everyday was a performance, the smile painted on the calm and confident act. The character I had developed, just to convince everyone.
'You're not fooling anyone' one person told me, yet I had doctors, my family and almost all the adults who were supposed to care for or about me convinced I was 'Fine' and 'Happy' I even managed to fool CAMHS. For half a decade I would use a blade as my comfort blanket. For most of my adolescence I felt the only option I had, the only way to numb the pain for a short amount of time was to harm myself. I was in a vicious circle of addiction and depression.
I have everything I've worked for and almost everything I've dreamed of, yet I'm still not happy. I still have to force myself some days to get out of bed, to shower, to get dressed, to go to uni. I was alive but not living. If you've ever seen skins, I was Effy, I was the girl with the broken heart and soul who would try and do anything to need the pain (along with the dark eyes and clothing to match). I was so young, I was so vulnerable and I was so afraid of the world.
After all that, after the last time I entered recovery, I decided to speak out, to show everyone that words can hurt, words can physically make you hurt. However, that just caused more pain, more words, more vulnerability and made me more scared of the world. So this time I haven't spoke up, not even on a blog where I don't know who's reading and who's reading don't know me. I even go under a different name so people are very unlikely to know who I am unless I told them.
Thats it though, people see the temporary or physical impact, they see the cuts and the scars but not the paranoia, anxiety, the vulnerability and how scary things can be. They don't see the daily battle not to pick up the blade or turn the water up. The people who caused pain get to forget, they don't remember the time they made someone feel so bad they couldn't see no light or end. The fight people have to put up.
A while ago I said I wanted to use the voice however big or small this blog gave me to try and make the world better. To raise awareness. To change what future generations have to put up with, to change the battles they face. So I guess what thats what this post was supposed to do, I could have written this any time, any year, but today has been hard, harder than before. I have struggled so much today and I honestly wondered how I'm going to cope if things get harder, but if I can use my story to make even one persons life better, to let them know they are not alone then that makes it better, that means all that pain wasn't as bad, the battles weren't wasted or worthless. If you need help, just reach out to someone a tutor, a person you trust or even an a service where you are anonymous like the Samaritans or ChildLine. It will get better. It won't last forever.
